Battle Of The Biscuit Tin

I once consumed an entire packet of ginger snap biscuits in the space of a few minutes because the voice in my head told me to. It is one of my most distinctive OCD memories. I didn’t want to eat them. I don’t particularly like ginger snap biscuits. But I had to eat them. Either that or be consumed with overwhelming waves of anxiety for the remainder of the evening. When OCD is master of your mind you learn quickly to bend the knee. Or it will destroy you. 

You see OCD is a sly and slippery adversary. Just when you think you have it pinned down in one respect, it will seamlessly reshape and attack you from a different angle, effortlessly sliding its rapier blade beyond your defences. Cutting deep and drawing blood. It is a relentless opponent. It never tires and it never grows bored. It will grind you into the ground. It knows no mercy.

On this occasion (many, many years ago before I met Fionnuala) it was preying on my obsession with my weight. I have always worried over this and, as such, have often had an unhealthy relationship with food. Before I discovered running I would indulge in crash diets interspersed with sporadic outbreaks of binge eating where I would comfort eat in order to allay the feelings of despair threatening to submerge me.

Just as much of my OCD is numerically triggered so it was with my binge eating. On this occasion I had set my latest diet a wholly unrealistic target of 1500 calories a day. I meticulously maintained a record of how many I was consuming and if it were to go even 10 calories over the prescribed amount the day would be constituted a failure and I would have to face the consequences. In this instance not one but two days of chaotic binge eating, where I would literally wolf down everything within sight.

It had to be two days. And if at the end of those I had failed again then the next punishment would be four days. And so on. Odd numbers would not suffice which I found wryly ironic as so many of my other obsessions focused around the numbers three and five. But OCD is not a rational adversary its unpredictably making it an even more formidable foe. How do you defeat an enemy who penned the rule book and who can rip it up and start again at the slightest whim.

To make the challenge even more fun, at the end of the two days (or four or maybe eight if it were feeling particularly mischievous) the OCD would make me follow a bewildering series of routines in order to kill the obsession to binge. This is where the compulsion bit comes in. I would have to eat two biscuits before I went to bed so that I could go to sleep with a clear head and wake up the next morning ready to climb back on the crash diet wagon again.

The biscuits would have to be from the same packet. I had to memorise the brand of the biscuit and the company that made them; right down to the exact spelling and any punctuation on the packaging. If I forgot or the fog of OCD tricked me into thinking I had forgotten I would have to start again with another two biscuits. Do not pass go. Do not collect ยฃ200.

I would have to hold the biscuit a certain way before I placed it in my mouth. My feet would have to be positioned in a certain manner with all my toes in constant contact with the ground. I was not allowed to spill crumbs. Nor leave the room until the entire biscuit was consumed. I was not allowed to perform the routine seated. Nor talk to anyone while performing it. If I fell prey to any of these rigid regulations I would have to start again. 

The routine was mentally exhausting. Every time I thought I had nailed it the voice would rhyme off some petty misdemeanour and coldly order me to start all over again. There was no margin for error nor appeal process. Before I knew it, minutes would have become hours and I would find myself surrounded by dozens of biscuit wrappers. I ate until I felt physically nauseous while on the inside my soul curled into a tight foetal ball and weeped silently for it all to end.

That was then and this is now. Thanks to prayer, the support of loved ones and medication the OCD (not my OCD as I disown it) rarely flares up now. Like alcoholism though or drug abuse I do not believe you can be totally cured of it. It is still there, lurking, just waiting for a chink in your armour where it can burst through and wreak havoc. It is dormant but not dead. It fights a guerilla war now, sniping from the fringes of my consciousness.

Even to this day I don’t like ginger snap biscuits. The memories repulse me. It was a type of self harm. I performed the compulsive rituals in order to gain temporary release from the unrelenting pain that this mental illness brings. And like any form of self harming it has left scars. Scars heal but they never truly go away. Which is good because I don’t want them to. I need them. 

I need the memories. I need every last excruciating one in microscopic detail. So that I never go back from whence I came, so that I never allow the passage of time to dilute or gloss over the horrors of those evenings standing by the biscuit tin. I won that battle but it was a pyrrhic one. Because this is one war that will never end and one enemy who will never surrender.

What are your thoughts on this post? Please comment below as I would love to hear them.

42 thoughts on “Battle Of The Biscuit Tin

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  1. I am sure you are on to something important, disowning the thing that afflicts. I am sure also of the truth that our addictions have been permanently wired by repetition. Thank God He can sort out this paradox. It’s just one reason we need a power greater than ourselves!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can totally relate. OCD is such a horrific nightmare, that is impossible to explain in its relentlessness and full horror to someone who has not experienced it. for most of my life I struggled with it on my own, but I have been so relieved recently to get help with the housework from autism services – the OCD makes it take so long to do on my own. Keep up the fight – you’re doing great!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Prayers ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป I admit just reading about your struggle wore me out mentally. I pray for a complete and total healing of your mind and freedom to enjoy life for the sheer joy of Gods Glory, no longer a slave to numbers, routines, or rituals…Amen!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This episode occurred many years ago and thankfully I hope never go back to that place. You can never become complacent, however, as it is literally a heartbeat away. Thank you for your prayers. Battle of the Biscuit Tin will probably pop up in my first novel which I have just started writing.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand the struggle, and I feel deeply for your pain. I pray for a continued hedge of protection over you from this monster. I have gone through some struggles with my son with OCD. It is beyond comprehension the nightmares this evil can do. He will go days without sleeping because something inside tells him can protect his sister and I from some hidden evil or imaginary murderer waiting outside for him to let his guard down. He obsessively checks doors and windows and turns on every light. It’s a repetitive thought that must be followed by an equally repetitive action. It’s heartbreaking. But God is greater!!! You are and will be such a blessing to so many people who feel alone in this. I am def praying for you as you write your book ๐Ÿ™‚


    1. Thank you. Your prayers are much needed and appreciated. Performing a routine in order to protect loved ones is a common OCD trait. The main character in my novel also has to perform a certain routine on a daily basis in order to protect someone who he is emotionally attached too. I hope one day to send you a signed copy of it. โค๏ธ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Fortunately for me, I’ve never really had to deal with OCD. Other than a compulsion to close closet doors, even if they are in someone else’s home, it just isn’t there for me. I suspect, though, that is stems from the same parts of the brain that give me my depression, anger and anxiety. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think it’s amazing you were able to overcome such a difficult feat. It’s not the easiest to go through something like that, and then be open enough to share. Thank you for sharing! I think the story will help many!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Helping others understand, “No, you’re not alone.”


  7. I don’t have any experience of OCD, but I have anxiety, which can lead to periods of depression. When I’m anxious and/or depressed, I have a constant battle with binge eating, which then leads to self loathing, and a vicious circle then begins. I really appreciate you writing about your experiences, and can relate to not being complacent about health.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It was foreign, so it didn’t “make sense” to me exactly. My weaknesses flow in a different direction. But it was very well described. But your post offered a window in.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I love your metaphors. So many people fail to recognize how serious compulsion disorders are. I’m glad you found a treatment regimen that worked for you. It also sounds like you’ve built a wonderful support network. I wish you all the best my friend. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This is intense. I recall as a kid having some silly repetitive things I needed to do. I also recall thinking at the time if I didn’t force myself to stop, it would possibly become obsessive. There’s a certain relief in reading your post. Great reading! Thank you.


  10. An OCD compulsion is just like an addiction. In fact I’m sure it is one. You may always have OCD but you have it …it doesn’t have you. Know that each day is a choice. God bless you for your candor.


  11. I won’t say that I understand your struggle, but I can relate to some bits of how you described your OCD. Actually I can relate to elements of anxiety, ADHD and OCD, all probably at lower levels than people who suffer from extreme cases of each. I don’t really fit into any one of those boxes neatly.

    Anyway, I’m glad to see that you’ve found that you can combat your OCD with prayer and meditation. I have been trying the very same thing.


  12. Wow a powerful read that I identified with greatly. Especially in times of stress. I find its much easier for it to rear its ugly head and regain the control so hard fought for.


  13. FIrst off, thanks for the like on my video poem “Today I’m Depressed”.

    Secondly, this post really hit home. My 19yo son was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of 6 and OCD at the age of 8. He has had many debilitating episodes with his OCD and is now also battling severe social anxiety. Great post.

    And finally, I just thought I”d add that Ireland is my dream destination – the home where I’ve never lived that I miss the most. One day, I will live there. It’s my dream.

    Thanks for reading. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    Peace, Ginger


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