That Back To School Feeling

The hatchlings return to school this week and you can feel the autumnal crackle in the air as another soggy Irish summer drips to an end. This summer has been one of illness, chaos and upheaval for us. We have struggled to make sense of it all and at times have felt adrift, spinning helplessly from one crisis to the next. The lack of control as to what disaster life can gleefully throw at you next has been disconcerting and downright frightening at times.

The kids have suffered as much as anyone as their summer has mostly consisted of trips to visits sick family members. I can just see the classic first day back at school question now being directed towards them. ‘Where did you go on your summer holidays?’ Answer – the hospital. We have had some fun day trips but, truth be told, the holiday period has been a bit of a damp squib for them. Fionnuala and I both feel bad about this but it really has beyond our control.

It came as no surprise then that all three of them are looking forward to going back. Adam is excited about starting at a new class, Hannah can’t wait to see all her friends again and Rebecca is buzzing at experiencing life as a Year 7 ‘big girl.’ In fact the only person more looking forward to seeing them return is their mother who has been cheerfully counting down the days to their return. We love them dearly but the three of them have been at each other’s throats of late due to the cabin fever which has been enforced upon them.

Looking forward to going back to school is an utterly alien experience to me. I used to dread it and the smell of fresh leather or a crisp, white shirt can trigger dire memories even now. If Christmas Eve was heaven then this other ‘night before’ was distinctly hellish. You see I was bullied at school and painfully shy. If you were not a rugby star at the grammar school I attended then frankly you didn’t exist. I loved rugby but was rubbish at it; which makes it even more bizarre that Adam shows such potential. No, I was more at home throwing a twenty sided dice in the Dungeons & Dragons Society than a rugby ball on the playing fields. 

It gladdens me that the hatchlings do not have to go through the ‘night before’ misery that I endured year after year. And I am proud that we have raised such confident, outgoing and self assured little people. They are an incredible blessing to us and, no matter how grim life might appear, they put it all into a more positive light. It is one less thing to worry about as, believe me, we have enough on our plates at the moment. With room for seconds. 

Fionnuala and I face our own ‘back to school’ experience this coming weekend. After eight months without a church we are dipping our toes back into the waters and returning this Sunday. We left our original church for a variety of reasons which I won’t go into as I don’t wish for this post to turn into a mud slinging exercise. We thought we had found a wonderful replacement but it then closed unexpectedly leaving us confused and more than a little lost.

Did God not want us to be church goers? Had we plans for us which went beyond the traditional Sunday morning experience. In the intervening months, if anything, we have felt closer to God than ever before. If we hadn’t left church then this blog would probably have never been born. And we have certainly leaned heavily on Him to get us through the annus horriblis that has been 2017. 

But we have both felt that something has been missing. Having a faith involves a 24/7 relationship with God. It is not just rocking up to a building every Sunday morning and pretending to everyone that your life is wonderful while they pretend back to you that their life is even more wonderful. It goes beyond pretending to pray and mumbling your way half heartedly through a few songs. It is not standing afterwards bitching about ‘so and so’ and complaining about how you got nothing out of the sermon. 

Churches are more than buildings and churches are more than the people who inhabit them. Church is life and truth and freedom. It is about helping others and putting total strangers in need before yourself. It is about willing yourself to forgive when every fibre in your body screams ‘NO’. It is about loving people who you don’t particularly like. Church is not boring, it is truly revolutionary. To follow Jesus is to rip up the rule book of life and go completely against the earthly grain.

These are some of the truths Fionnuala and I have learnt during our enforced sabbatical. And sometimes God removed us from the unhealthy church environment we were in, in order to allow us to grow as individuals, as couples and as a family. Because otherwise we would not have made it through this year. God has some pretty ‘out there’ thinking but it all falls into place eventually if you just keep plugging along, living life according to His will.

Why are we bothering to go back then? Why endure the social awkwardness of being the new kids on the block again? Given that we feel we have been spiritually bolstered and refreshed during the intervening period. Well, to be honest I’m not exactly sure. It could be another unmitigated disaster. I could be blogging next week about what a horrendous mistake we made.

But something had been nagging at the both of us to try again. Maybe we were simply not in the right church community last time. Or maybe we were not in the right mindset and God had to bench us for a quarter and give us a good talking to before throwing us out onto the field of play again. But whether church was not ready for us or we were not church here we are again. Ready to set foot back on the merrygoround again.

You might love your church. You might never be out of the place and sit on every sub-committee there is to sit on. You may feel totally at home there surrounded by incredible people. Or you might hate church. You may be at home now reading this, licking your wounds and vowing never to darken the doors again of a community where image and self were more important than humility and compassion. You may have never been to a church but be curious. You may have never been to a church and wild horses could never get you to set foot in one.

Whatever your preference church is there. And always will be. Because it is a manifestation of God. He is always there, whatever your view of Him. I have loved Him and I have cursed Him. It matters not a jot. Nothing can change His being just like nothing can change his love for you. So we go back to church this Sunday with a mixture of hope and trepidation. But secure in the knowledge that He is with us whatever happens.

Proverbs 3:5-6 ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.’

What are your memories of that ‘back to school’ feeling?

Do you do good church? Or have you had bad experiences there? Maybe you have never set foot in one. What are your views on the church today?

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

23 thoughts on “That Back To School Feeling

      1. Towards the end, when you switched gears and started talking about going back to a new church on Sunday- I think that should have been a different post entirely. Like, I see how it can “fit in” in terms of Sunday school. However it was just suddenly off topic. Just a thought!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I loved our church in Arizona, and it’s been difficult for me to find something where I am. Because I keep comparing. And I know I can’t do that. But still. I want to go back to church, but it’s difficult when it brings back memories and makes me cry as I sit there. I will just let God lead me, whatever that may mean.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s good to read a post with such honest sharing. My blog was born from a time of deep trials. Don’t exactly relate to the school thing – I loved school and the first day was always exciting. “Church” can be troublesome…so often there is little resemblance to what God established through the Apostles….a place of brotherly fellowship, growth in the word of God, and most important – shepherds that are God led. Church (especially in the U.S.) is often big business…the opposite of godly surrender! At Times Square Church we do have a visiting pastor ftim Ireland whom we love dearly, Pastor Nick Cassidy in Cork.
    Sorry if I wrote too much! May the Lord speak to your hearts and encourage you in every way .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My wife has always wanted to go to that church! She loves NYC so it’s interesting that you have that Irish connection. Thank you for taking the time to reply. No I didn’t mind the long reply. The longer the better as far as I’m concerned. ๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Having spent 40 years of my life working in churches both as paid staff and as volunteer I can understand your hesitation. I am on sabbatical from it myself. The thing is church is made up of people and people are flawed. Each church has a different hierarchy. There are people there to love and people to avoid. Each has their own demons. The church that I retired from after 20 years as Parish Nurse had wonderful people and confusing management. Yes, churches are managed….usually by those elected depending on the denomination. However this is done the rule can follow “power corrupts etc.” The thing to remember is that we cannot be a Christian in isolation. We are called to be in community. Find one whose overall view of being a Christian jives with yours and just help those who are in need and you will have those who will respond. Live out Christ’s call to love. Sorry this is so long.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. We haven’t ventured out yet in the new area. It is hard. Having a home church where my parents are. Leaving the other church I settled in when I lived in Arkansas. Adjustments are definitely not easy. I’ve read a really good post by AmazingTangledGrace and it was about what church used to represent (community) versus what many churches represent now. Truth be told, I’m looking for community in church. If I can’t find it because people have become attached to routines and deeds in a building, then it isn’t where I need to be. But true followers of Christ will be few and in-between. By no means, however, is it a reason to give up ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope this year improves for you guys; from what you said I think it has been, which is good! Btw, are you over your chest infection yet?
    I think by the end of summer, I’m ready to be in a routine again, but it’s still not the most fun routine ๐Ÿ˜‰. There are prod and cons to all churches, I think, but I love our pastor and many other people in the church. There are bad things too, though, but I won’t go into those, lol.


  6. I loved the community I was in. They seemed to have accepted me for who I am, tainted by the world. I took about 4 years to really open up to them but when I got sick, each one left and I’m still alone to now. I have anxiety around ‘church people’ now and feel sick to my stomach stepping near a church, any church. I keep feeling like they’re all judging me and talking about me when I don’t know these people, they’re strangers! I’m even afraid of the cashier at the supermarket. The people from church hurt me way more than my secular friends. I’ve been told that they have been secretly praying for me. My response? Oh so Jesus taught you to SECRETLY pray for your sick friends and to not call or text them at all, cut off all contact, but the important thing is they’re SECRETLY praying for you? Hah. What a joke. Anyway just sharing my story of my experience. Maybe like you said, wrong place wrong time.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi from Oklahoma, USA-

    I love that you included Proverbs 3:5-6 in your post, two of the few Bible verses I have memorized and say aloud every day because they are powerful reminders that God’s got our back even when we don’t understand His ways.

    Hubby and I haven’t gone to weekly church services in 8 years, but are considering a non-denominational church in the town we recently moved to. We listen to a lot of sermons on the radio and enjoy our own Bible study every day. I hope you’ll like the church you’re going to check out and will post your thoughts about it.

    And…two answers to your school question, same reaction but for different reasons: 1) As a kid, the beginning of each school year was exciting! 2) As a Mom of 4 kids (all grown now), the beginning of each school year was exciting…in a relieving kinda way!

    God bless you and your family.


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