Dawn Manoeuvres

Over the last few mornings I have launched covert dawn operations at chez Black as I have attempted to extricate myself from the house and head off to work without waking Fionnuala and the kids who are still on their Easter break. As I normally move around the house with all the finesse of a hamstrung hippopotamus this has required previously untapped resources of stealth and balance on my part. But, all round good guy that I am, I resolved to be as quiet as Quiety the Mouse so as not to disturb their slumbers.

I ironed shirts, raided sock drawers and packed gym bags on tip toe avoiding squeaky floorboards with the grace of the nimblest of ninjas. I put the bins out and you could have heard a pin drop…. if I’d had one to drop. I waa Silent Stephen performing backward flips and forward rolls with the athleticism of an Olympic gymnast. Alright I may have made that last bit up but you get my drift. Whereas our house around 6:30 am on a week day normally resembles Piccadilly Circus at rush hour it has been an oasis of calm these last two mornings.

As I drove into work I reflected proudly on my efforts, pleased that all my sneaking about had achieved its goal of allowing the rest of the family a lie in. Apart from Charlie the Dog but he needed out for a wee anyway and had been giving me strange looks from his cage as I crept around the kitchen. I shared my toast with him which seemed to buy his acquiescence so all was well. Yes I was like the incredibly quiet cat who got the cream as I hurtled down the road towards the office.

But then it hit me. A few years ago I spent most of my life sneaking around the house. But for entirely selfish, as opposed to selfless, reasons. Back then my very existence was founded upon lies, secrets and deception. It became second nature to me. I told so many lies that I even believed them myself half the time. Much of my time was spent either concealing the truth or struggling to remember the nonsense I had come out with for fear of being tripped up. I felt increasingly unhappy and depressed about the life I was leading. I was a fraud and a failure. My mental health suffered and I simply could see no way out.

Things inevitably came to a head and I was dragged out into the light as opposed to of my own volition. Whilst incredibly painful at the time for myself and my loved ones we emerged on the other side stronger and wiser. I came to realise that living a double life was neither clever nor exciting. The only person I was fooling was myself. I was travelling in increasingly decreasing circles and becoming a prisoner in a cell of my own making. I was miserable and forever in fear of being found out. I was sick. Sick of myself and sick of the direction in which my life was heading.

Nowadays I don’t keep secrets. There is great freedom in waking up in the morning and not worrying about what I said or did yesterday. It was an exhausting existence and one I would not recommend to anybody. If this post strikes a chord with you I want to tell you that you’re not alone and it’s not too late to turn your circumstances around. Stop and think of the damage you are causing. To yourself and others. You have a choice. Either you can continue as you are in which case I can guarantee you the situation will only deteriorate. Or you can be brave and make a decision to change.

It might be painful. Oh who am I kidding, it will be painful. But the long term gain will outweigh the short term pain even if it might not seem that way at the time. Shake off the shackles of secrecy and stride into a sanctuary of safety and serenity. Cut your ties with toxic relationships and walk away from the demons of your past. Your present is bright and your future is even brighter. You are better than this and you were created to achieve so much more than skulk in the shadows. You need to hold your head high and walk out of the self inflicted storms you are wandering through aimlessly.

So what do you reckon? Are you going to start today? By ditching that rucksack on your back which has been weighing you down for so long. By kicking it to the kerb and starting afresh. Afraid to take that leap of faith? Feel there is too much at stake and you can might lose everything? Believe me it’s nothing compared to what you will lose if you allow the status quo to continue unchecked. You will be found out. It’s only a matter of time. Make the change today. Now. Before it is too late. Before you’ve allowed it all to slip through your fingers.

What are your experiences of lies and secrets? Have you been a victim or a perpetrator?

Are you in a dark place now? Are you willing to change?

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

17 thoughts on “Dawn Manoeuvres

  1. Having exposed every narcissist in my life, going no contact with my sister, step son and in laws was very, very painful indeed. Am I happy? You bet your sweet apple I am!!! Great post. xo


  2. You are definitely right. It might be a little difficult but I think we all need to have a discovery of ourselves and how things matter. I am happy that you achieved that! Great post!


  3. The truth will out … isn’t that what they say? Something like that and yes I believe the truth always will come out in the end and the lies revealed. I have recently been the victim of a couple of family members who are controlled by a narcissist who have not exactly lied to me for the last few months, just been ‘economical with the truth’. I am angry and hurt. In truth, that’s an understatement. I know they are controlled by the narcissist in their lives but I am struggling to move on from this. My ex husband cheated and lied too so perhaps this has stirred up unpleasant memories.


    1. Sorry, typing from phone and pressed send … I think that for you to have turned your life around must have been so desperately hard and yet a stunning achievement. You should be proud and rightly so 😘


  4. This writing has stirred thoughts up with ALOT of the readers. Also me. I also had to cut off ties to family members, for my sanity, the pain and guilt was almost unbearable. Time went by, and my life is so wonderfully improved. I led a sneaking around life back when I was in my twenties. Newly married, I got out of work at midnight. Went to the bar pub with friends till 2 a.m. we all went to one of our friends house, and continued the party til 5 a.m. or so. I had to sneak in my house so not to wake my new husband….change and set back the clock to say I came home after work…sneak back to the front door. Slam the door, walk heavily to the bedroom so to wake my husband. He always leaned up, looked at the time…seen that I came straight home from work…said good night, love. I repeated it to him. I set the clock to the correct time and went to bed……and was proud how sneaky I was. We call it Karma here in the USA. What goes around, comes around. Years later had a husband that waited til I fell asleep, and was sneaky and left house at night for all the night and then I thought he got himself off to work, he’d come home at 7p.m. til 10 p.m. I fell asleep, he left…the truth came out eventually. I NEVER knew …and still don’t know if that happened like twice…or every night I was married to him…Karma…it will get you…sooner or later.


  5. I wanted to say also, I have a good chance of losing my vision, and it’s pretty scary. Surgery can’t help me. Every year since 6 yrs old my vision got alittle worse. Now I am 60. Almost legally blind…..typing white letters on this black background REALLY REALLY is clear and easy to read. !!! Thank you fractured faith…this is really cool and I will try to get my smart phone set to this. I never would have thought of typing white on black. THANKS


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