Swallow Your Pride. Swallow The Pill.

Posted byFractured Faith BlogPosted inA Fractured FaithTags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have felt my mood spiralling steadily downwards throughout the week. This has trickled into my writing which has been largely negative and downbeat. I don’t apologise for this as I have always said I would write honestly on this blog. Those who choose to read it see the good, the bad and the frequently ugly. Warts and all. I spent too long living a lie on social media so this latest incarnation is, if nothing else, a truthful one.

The reason for this? Quite simple really. I never bothered to order my repeat prescription for Escitaloprem which I take on a daily basis to combat OCD, Anxiety and Depression. It’s one little, white pill a day but they make all the difference to my mood and outlook on life. Without them I start to feel irritable, edgy and miserable within a few days. Negative thinking takes over and the familiar voice in my head starts to whisper those familiar words.

You’re useless. You’re a failure. You’re a laughing stock. You’re hopeless. You’re a terrible husband, father and son. You are an utter nobody. You are a sad, little man going through yet another mid life crisis. You can’t write and you will never make a second career from it. You have no friends and there is a very good reason for that. They all saw through you, saw you for the fool you were. Nobody wants anything to do with you. You are nothing.

I could go on but I’m sure you get my drift. When I’m at home with Fionnuala and the kids I feel safe and loved. But the moment I step out of the front door it sets in. This overwhelming fear. I compare myself to others and every time fall painfully short. Former friends snub me. Others would cross the road if they saw me. Messages are not returned and phone calls are not picked up. Outside of my family I am lonely and unwanted. This came to a head last Saturday when I ran a half marathon along with 3500 other people and didn’t speak to another person the entire time I was there.

I avoided people I used to run with. I hid in my car before the race and left the moment I crossed the finishing line instead of hanging around to mingle and chat like everybody else. It is a dark cloud, a black dog and it envelops everything in its path. This continued into my working week. I have been largely disinterested and demotivated, plodding through the motions. I have to get up and go to work for my family. Today I forced myself to pick up the phone and re-order the prescription. I will get it tomorrow and know I will be back on an even keel by the weekend.

It annoys me that despite my wonderful wife and children I still need that pill. Despite holding down an important and respected job I still need that pill. Despite my running and writing which are incredible stress busters I still need that pill. Despite all the many positives I have going for me I have still found it difficult to look in the mirror this week. I still feel an outsider, a loser, a nobody. All because I chose not to swallow a little, white pill. The crutch that I fear I will have to lean upon for the rest of my days.

I’m a husband and I struggle with my mental health. Im a father and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a son and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a blogger and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a marathon runner and I struggle with my mental health. I’m an aspiring author and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a Christian and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a well paid manager and I struggle with my mental health. I struggle when I don’t take the pill.

I need to swallow my pride and swallow the pill. It restores me to who I want to be. The pill and nothing else. Not work, not church, not anything. The pill. We need to accept sometimes that we are powerless to depression and need to accept all the help we can get. If you’re in a similar situation tonight I would implore you to swallow your pride and swallow the pill. If it’s what you need to function and face the world. Don’t be an idiot like me. Order you prescription. Collect your prescription. Take your prescription. Please.

Please feel free to share your own experiences of prescription medication below. This blog was written to support and encourage within our community.

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

119 thoughts on “Swallow Your Pride. Swallow The Pill.”

    2. I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. I have to say that our theories on meds are the opposite. I have always thought that if you were miserable and taking a pill would make it go away, that was a great blessing, and why wouldn’t someone take it and be thankful for it? Although I don’t understand your thought process, here’s something that might help. Would you expect high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, or other diseases to just go away on their own with no treatment? Mental issues are diseases as well and need medical treatment to get better. I’m glad you decided to take your “little white pill”, and hope that it gives you the relief you need and deserve!

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  2. Comming to terms with requiring medication to function has been something I’ve always dealt with. After a really bad bout of major depression including hospital stays and leaves of absence from work, my medicine trials are SO important to me. I do hope one day I’ll be able to do it all on my own, but if I can’t, that’s okay too. We are not broken or weaker than others. Be thankful we have these little white pills to make us the best we can be 🤙🏼

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  4. Reblogged this on LTWrites and commented:
    I thought this was worth reblogging because it speaks on the issues honestly. Swallow your pride and swallow that damned pill. Or pills in my case, until they get the concoction right. Thank you Fractured Faith for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. I’m currently taking my meds every other day in order to stretch it out. My Medicaid expired, and I can’t afford health insurance at the moment. I’m afraid not to have my meds because they do keep me level. I won’t be able to attain the insurance until after July. This scares me just a little.

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    3. It’s a crime and a sin how healthcare financing is mismanaged in the USA. I’m one of the lucky few who qualified for SSDI the first time I applied (although the process was needlessly long and drawn out, I did not have to hire an attorney), but they don’t authorize Medicare for two whole years afterwards, so that was a difficult time for me. It’s as if the government bean counters are hoping the disabled will die, first.

      Have you looked into prescription assistance programs, like https://www.goodrx.com/ ? Some of the drugs I take are not covered by Medicare, and I get discount coupons that save a lot of money.

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      1. I was approved for SSDI, but according to them I earn too much, therefore they took my Medicaid away from me. I’m too young to collect from Medicare, and the cheapest insurance is close to $250 a month. I still have my rent, and regular bills to pay for, so they don’t take all of that into consideration.
        I did look into goodrx and it did help a little, but not enough. My medication out of pocket was over $120 this month. Our system is far beyond broken.

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      2. It took 2 years and the help of a disability attorney for me to be approved for Medicare. But, thanks to the draconian regulations of our government drones, I was unable to receive any sort of financial assistance because I “didn’t have enough quarters earned in the correct time period.” Well, ummm, depression will do that to you! Interrupt your life, your employment. Some years better than others. Several in patient stays, ECT, every class of antidepressants multiple times, deep brain stim surgery, and ketamine infusions. All of this ongoing. And I don’t qualify for assistance because I was too SICK to feed into social security in the “required time period.” Do y’all see the twisted logic of this?? Oh, but I do qualify for the chance to pay Medicare insurance premiums, thus getting health insurance thru Medicare. And I pay for this with….? My part time little jobs that I hang onto for as long as I can mentally and physically tolerate it. I’m also a chronic pain patient. I was denied even being considered for Medicare as I was struggling to get into the clinical study just to have the opportunity to get the deep brain stim surgery. A requirement to be in it was “demonstrating” my actual depression (presence of) over a 3 month period. Continuous suicidal thoughts. When I was finally given the go ahead by the study team, the cost for the surgery was $21,000. No, study surgery is not always covered which is a common misconception. Then, 3 staph infections requiring emergency surgeries on the DBS system followed. To put it succinctly (ha!), Depression and anxiety have stolen the majority of my life from me. ECT took care of a large chunk of my memory. I forgot why I started this rant, but probably to let off steam but also to provide a reality check regarding all the “assistance” our government really gives us. Anyway, my blog is my attempt to help others as well, FF. Something about your litany of self-doubts I strongly identify with. Yes, I feel exactly like that a lot.

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  7. PS.. I fight through bipolar without medication as I never found one that really worked for me. Some days it’s a battle, other days I’m a mess but ok, some days I’m fine.. To read your words, I feel this amazing feeling of ‘I’m not alone’, and I appreciate that.

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  9. I have my prescription for OCD / anxiety sitting in my drawer because I dont want to depend on medication to make me feel better, But i feel like I’m failing. Plus I get anxious just thinking about taking medicine… Ugh such a struggle. Thank you for sharing your story

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    1. Please take our blogger’s advice! It is not a sign of weakness to control OCD/anxiety with medication. On the contrary, it’s a sign of strength. It’s “normal” people who don’t understand how brain chemistry works who make the afflicted ones feel “dependent” is a bad word. If the brain soup isn’t seasoned properly, life doesn’t taste good. Like a great chef, season your soup!

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  10. I can relate. I don’t know if you’re at the point that I get to where I’m coming out of the fog and reflecting on it, but seems like you are close. When I am in that stage I marvel at how when you’re IN IT, you believe those lies your brain tell you, but then when you’re OUT of it, you know they are lies. Our brains are fascinating and scary.

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  12. I’m on prescription medications for bipolar, adhd, depression and anxiety. A couple of years ago I just decided to stop taking them. I was sick and tired of taking them every day. It was awful. The side effects from stopping them cold turkey were awful. I realized it just wasn’t worth it.
    It’s a chemical imbalance that we have and we have to remember that. There is nothing wrong with taking medication. God created man with the ability to make these medications, did he not? 🙂
    I will be praying for you! Remember this: You are NOT nothing! You are loved by God and your family. You are someone special! God created you and made no mistake!

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  13. I was so disappointed when my doctor finally said it’s time to try a prescription… but now that that I’ve found the one that works best for me, I couldn’t be more thankful for that day. I am finally able to be me. I have my bad days still sure, but on the good days, they’re really good.

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  16. I’m on the same medication. I’m male, brother, son ,father, lover. Last Monday I ran out. By Wednesday I wanted to kill at least two people and one was me.
    But I’m okay now.
    Thank you for your loving article.
    One day at a time, we write.
    love alwaz
    mike

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  17. I too sometimes just forget or for some reason dont take my medication even though I know it is vital for my mental health. Why do we still feel ashamed that we even need to take it…if we had a physical illness and needed meds, we wouldn’t think twice! It is difficult to get past this ashamed mind set, that we are some how inferior to others because of our mental health issues. I feel you focus on the negatives (again like me) You detail that you were unhappy that you didn’t speak to another on your run, you should have been basking In glory that you did the run at all! sending hugs and positive thoughts.

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  18. Good Morning Sir, As per usual you have penned a wonderful piece. You connected with me on this site when I first started to write here and it has made such a huge difference to me. You have made comments on my pieces when I have needed it. I read your work every time you blog and find something in each of them….you make me ask questions, make me feel wonderful about what I have achieved, me feel good that I continue to try. I am a 50+-year-old woman from the other side of the world, and I am very grateful that you have your blog and you are so amazingly honest for it allows me to feel better about myself when I have those bad days as I know that there are others somewhere on this huge, big planet that is also as isolated as I am. So thank you for your raw honesty, for the fact that you are sharing your inner you that most keep locked away. I am going to remind you too of the fact that you had me talk myself into going to my local hospital and asking for help inside of ending my life…I, for one, think that is a HUGE victory for you as a wonderfully caring man.

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  19. What people often don’t realize is that mental health is not just in the mind. When there is infection in your body, there is something there that isn’t supposed to be. You take medicine to get rid of it. Though it is more complicated and there are external triggers and other things people need to keep in mind, sometimes the issues with mental health are the results of our bodies not having something they need or producing too much of something (hormones or other chemicals). Whatever the reason for this, the answer is to fix those levels. That means taking medicine, just like you would if you were getting rid of an infection. Yes, we need to do the other things that help support our mental health like eating right, keeping good sleeping habits, getting rid of triggers, exercising, seeing a counselor, or whatever else we may need. But that one little pill can do wonders for our ability to do those things.

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  21. I love how honest you are.
    Thankfully I am reminded to take my pill if I don’t. The nightmares don’t stop unless I swallow that darn thing. I too struggle with knowing this may be my forever. I have to remind myself it’s not me, it’s my chemistry, or my hardwiring. I try to be sympathetic with myself as I would for another person. I’ve been told one too many times that with my past and now the PTSD, panic, depression, and agoraphobia “they” ( doctors and therapists) are surprised I’m not dead or addicted in order to self medicate. As horrible as that makes me feel there is the silver lining. We recognize the issue, we spoke up, we asked for help. I know that takes more courage than just living the way we do. People like us are the strongest people I know.

    And for the record I would totally read your book. I don’t like fiction, but even it was fiction I’d read it.

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    2. My young son struggles. I’m here to learn how to help him. Our family is relying on people like you to help us get through it. Everyday. Doctors and programs aren’t working. Learning management skills from others, is.

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  22. Very honest of you, everyone has something they rely on. It is not a flaw, a weakness, and those that matter are not ashamed of you because you take it. You have many strengths and admitting you need it is just one of them 😊

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          1. 😂 I only ever say my full name at work “hello I’m Louise and I’ll be doing your training today” I’ve been Lou for as long as I can remember unless I’m being formal.

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  27. I tried the old will power over pill power approach several times, have the scars and wreckage to prove it. Once you finally find that right med that gives you a fighting chance to approach “normal” take it faithfully and go from there!

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  28. I was terrified before I started taking medication for depression. Would it make me worse? How bad will the side effects be? How many will I have to try? Luckily for me, the first prescription worked and the side effects gradually wore off. My dosage was raised slightly and now I work every day to improve what the medication doesn’t.

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  29. I really liked this. A loved one of mine struggles on a daily basis with depression and anxiety. I think the world of them, and wish they could see themselves in the same light I do, but that is rarely the case. I’m rooting for you, and I’m sure you’ve heard it enough, but the pills aren’t a crutch, they’re a treatment. You don’t have to swallow your pride, but be proud that you are actively taking steps to fight your condition and be the person you want to be for your family. I’m sure they think the world of you regardless, but I’m also sure they appreciate your fight.

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  30. you are brave. and chemical imbalances are not the fault of the sufferer. be grateful and be proud of your achievements. medication is good for your productivity, and there is nothing wrong with it.

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  31. I know people have different ways of handling their mental issues, and sadly, denial is a well beaten path. I hope there is a way to touch them and melt their defenses and just accept that it’s okay to gey help. It’s okay not to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist anyway. I hope together, we help the others.

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  32. Reblogged this on and commented:
    I wanted to share this because I want something like it on my blog. I want this rant that says, I am a normal person and I still struggle with mental illness. Medication can be very hard to cope with sometimes, and I know that for me personally, I find it making me feel like less of a person at times because I have to depend on (not one, but 11, unfortunately) little pills everyday to be a “normal”, functioning human being. BUT, as Fractured Faith Blog so beautifully has written it here, sometimes we have to swallow our pride along with the pill. Sometimes… no, actually, all of the time, our health is more important than our pride. We are no less of a person because of the medicine we have to take. You are taking care of your mind just like (I hope) you take care of your bodies.

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  33. I swear we are related by DNA. Ha I have been on Zoloft since 2001 (prior to that prozac from 96-01). They didn’t want me taking Prozac while pregnant with my last child. I made it cold turkey for five months and then I walked into the OB office and said “i want this baby to die, so my life can return to normal!” I wish I could say I was exaggerating but I wasn’t. I filled Zoloft that day.
    These days I’m terrible about remembering to take it. After about five days I hate everyone, everyone is a moron and everything gets on my nerves. I will think when did I last take my medication. You’d think I would learn but I don’t.
    No amount of running, awesome family and friends, etc can control these feelings and thoughts. I’ll be on this until the day I die unless I want to live all by myself and never speak to anyone.
    Take the pill! No one ever tell us we didn’t need insulin!
    Hope this helps!

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  34. Many people who suffers from mental health issues face this exact question. Why when I have (insert your own good “thing” here) do I still have depression, or anxiety or bipolar or OCD.

    I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we may never understand our own “why”, but if we want to get better we have to do what works for us- whether it’s therapy, medications, writing, drawing or a combination of any of those or something else entirely. I’ve accepted I will never be “cured” but I hope I can be better.

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  35. Great article. It’s just brain chemistry. It’s not your fault and no big deal. The pill is no different than eating fruit, vegetables and drinking water. The only reason you struggle with it is because of the stygma in the media. Take the pill and run. It’s no big deal. You got this.

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  36. You are most Definately not alone, I often am lapsy daisy in ordering my repeat prescription and then I run out and then the world is against me and the negative thoughts come back being lapsy daisy just isnt worth it, thoughts are with you x

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  37. It took me a while to realise it was my brain and body’s chemical producing ability that was failing and not providing me with enough of the right chemicals in my brain just to be able to feel able, let alone normal….whatever that is!☺ It’s really just like someone with diabetes who injects insulin or any other imbalance like this. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bright side. I take a lot of heavy medication but without it I surely would be dead. But I’m here because of those little white pills too. Thank you so much for sharing this☺

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  38. I read this the other day and was still thinking about it because I connected to so much you said. Believe me, you are not an idiot at all. I think many of us mental illness patients go through this. It is pride because we feel that we have lost because we need something to help us win this battle. Plus, many of us our perfectionist. We can’t accept that we can’t just willpower us out of this. For me, it has been a long road to accepting that my mental illness is not just about working hard and it will just go away. It is not like getting that final A. It is a continual battle which doesn’t have end point maybe. For me, that has made that pill easier to swallow somehow. Anyway, lovely piece of writing. 🙂

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  39. Well Thank you for writing so Honestly. It is a cool drink of water to many thirsty souls to have a person express inner truth to an outer world.
    Well I know your struggle with mental health issues and especially you statement … “I’m a Christian and I struggle with my mental health…

    It is here, within this statement that most of the angst comes from for me in such times. Yet you are not alone and from here, That you are a Christian, also comes all your hope in this life, and for the eternal reality of heaven. Christ “our hope” is a reality.
    Let me speak as a “commonwealth brother” in Chris”. First of all from the “Commonwealth of Chris”t Himself and also from the commonwealth as a “Canadian in the commonwealth with you U.K blokes. Lol.

    Let me recommend a book to you, if it will help to some degree.
    Martyn Lloyd Jones– “Spiritual depression”.

    Not to say that the “white pill ” could be done away with but I have found tremendous help from Christian writers from Here (North America) and abroad U.K. and a real help in the Puritans.
    John Owen and Richard Baxter.

    For us, as Christians it is all about “union with Christ”,

    what a Joy to know Him. even in our weakness. Christianity is all about our weakness.
    we all fail.
    Check out J.I Packer as well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seBsfKi-v2w

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  40. I’m so grateful to you for speaking out about this. I have been on and off a “little pill” myself. Mental health is not something to be taken lightly. I know first hand how important it is to seek out the help we need! Thanks for your bravery. I hope it encourages others to seek the help they need as well! P.S. I just noticed I somehow wasn’t “following” you anymore??? Thank goodness you are one of the blogs I always “type in” to see what’s new and discovered that. I don’t know how it got “unfollowed.” But, I didn’t know if you saw that and thought it was purposeful, b/c it wasn’t 😉 I’m back! hehe

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      1. It always gets busy when he gets back for sure! They have about a month where he is getting off at a decent hour rather than after supper like it will be soon. We are soaking up our time with him while we can! I definitely haven’t been on here as much as I would like!

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  41. Pingback: 10. Shared Perspectives – Out of My Thoughts

  42. Great piece! When it comes to depression, we would all like to think that we still have control, but the truth is, is that it controls us. We all have to accept that if we really have tumbled so far down the rabbit hole, we need help to get us out again!

    But you’re doing the right thing by talking about it, it is not something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of, it is a fact of life… Take care of yourself. Sx 🙂

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  43. I didn’t know they needed medication in Ireland too. Beer is not enough? I hope you understand my humor by now. I practiced as a pharmacist long before Prozac hit the market. The advances in those type drugs have been a miracle to those suffering. Probably 1 out of 3 take some type of mood elevator, and over the years I counseled many. Everything from not being ashamed to how to get off. Prices on generics should be Very Low. Being one who has seen the positive change in people, hey, keep taking them. Thursday 2 weeks ago me lung collapsed a little during a needle biopsy. they lied about a needle, it was a milk shake straw! The nurse told me wife, I had a Nemothrorax (clownfish syndrome) and not a pneumothorax. What a hoot? Back to the drawing board……Thursday is beer night.

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  45. I feel you’re pain (literally) on this one. Around a year ago I was offered a physiological assessment for my mental health by a specialist team. I was on a waiting list for ages to be seen, and although At the time of referral, I was a complete mess, a few months down the line I felt a lot better and demanded that I didn’t need the assessment. For me it wasn’t a case of ‘swallow your pride,swallow the pill’, it was ‘swallow your pride and get assessed’.. unfortunately I ended up cancelling the session, delaying my treatment, and ended up a mess again. Thankfully, after a long period of trial and error with meds, I’m starting to do better, but like you, rely on that pill every day, and probably will do for the foreseeable future. Also, side note..going by the date of this post, I think I ran the same half marathon as you.. it would be in my home town!! It’s a small world!

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  46. NO! Nay! Nay! Nay! Twelve years I preached, I lived the same mantra–take the pill! On the 12th year? That pill almost cost me my life. I dropped at the point of death. Four months later? Behold! The Almighty intervened by way of a testimony. I dumped nearly $1000.00 of pills in the toilet and flushed them! Within a month? My health was notable to many. Ten years now? O well, it’s been a marvelous ten year of gloom and glee to set me free from my own programmed mind by the wiles of this insanity ridden world that we inhabit.. It’s all recorded in the blog you honor with your visit today.It’s recorded for the benefit of all my visitors. Hope to connect for the Father/Creator’s honor. His love in my heart for you and for all. thiaBasilia. 🙂

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    1. Woe to you, scribes and pharisees (and the misguided) God uses all manner of means to solve problems and there are more things in Heaven and on earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, “Horatio”. As diabetics take insulin and as asthmatics take inhalers, so do those with mental issues take psychotropics. Might His Majesty (no, not you), seem fit to remove the need? Certainly, and praise Him should He so choose, but it is not certain that be His will, and certainly not for you nor I to say. Take note before you comment and so shall I. And may God cleanse you of your penchant for misery.

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  47. Oh, dear Lord. This one struck a nerve. I haven’t taken any prescription drugs for depression and anxiety for… maybe sixteen years. I’ve been ‘okay’, but not consistently okay. Perhaps I will swallow my pride, too.

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  48. I’ve just come across this post and thank God that I did. I have two mental health conditions. I struggle with taking my medication. I have currently not taken my medication for five days and I can feel the effects of not taking it. I will always have a love-hate relationship with my medication. I needed to read this and so now I am off to swallow my pride and swallow my pill. Thank you!

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  50. Pingback: Swallow Your Pride. Swallow The Pill. — Fractured Faith Blog – Notes by La'Rue

  51. I take meds too and it is no shame. In fact, when I don’t take them, my failures are my shame. Stigma be confounded. God gives us what we need. If that is through people or things matters not though people sometimes rock! That God provides is what matters.

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