Swallow Your Pride. Swallow The Pill.

I have felt my mood spiralling steadily downwards throughout the week. This has trickled into my writing which has been largely negative and downbeat. I don’t apologise for this as I have always said I would write honestly on this blog. Those who choose to read it see the good, the bad and the frequently ugly. Warts and all. I spent too long living a lie on social media so this latest incarnation is, if nothing else, a truthful one.

The reason for this? Quite simple really. I never bothered to order my repeat prescription for Escitaloprem which I take on a daily basis to combat OCD, Anxiety and Depression. It’s one little, white pill a day but they make all the difference to my mood and outlook on life. Without them I start to feel irritable, edgy and miserable within a few days. Negative thinking takes over and the familiar voice in my head starts to whisper those familiar words.

You’re useless. You’re a failure. You’re a laughing stock. You’re hopeless. You’re a terrible husband, father and son. You are an utter nobody. You are a sad, little man going through yet another mid life crisis. You can’t write and you will never make a second career from it. You have no friends and there is a very good reason for that. They all saw through you, saw you for the fool you were. Nobody wants anything to do with you. You are nothing.

I could go on but I’m sure you get my drift. When I’m at home with Fionnuala and the kids I feel safe and loved. But the moment I step out of the front door it sets in. This overwhelming fear. I compare myself to others and every time fall painfully short. Former friends snub me. Others would cross the road if they saw me. Messages are not returned and phone calls are not picked up. Outside of my family I am lonely and unwanted. This came to a head last Saturday when I ran a half marathon along with 3500 other people and didn’t speak to another person the entire time I was there.

I avoided people I used to run with. I hid in my car before the race and left the moment I crossed the finishing line instead of hanging around to mingle and chat like everybody else. It is a dark cloud, a black dog and it envelops everything in its path. This continued into my working week. I have been largely disinterested and demotivated, plodding through the motions. I have to get up and go to work for my family. Today I forced myself to pick up the phone and re-order the prescription. I will get it tomorrow and know I will be back on an even keel by the weekend.

It annoys me that despite my wonderful wife and children I still need that pill. Despite holding down an important and respected job I still need that pill. Despite my running and writing which are incredible stress busters I still need that pill. Despite all the many positives I have going for me I have still found it difficult to look in the mirror this week. I still feel an outsider, a loser, a nobody. All because I chose not to swallow a little, white pill. The crutch that I fear I will have to lean upon for the rest of my days.

I’m a husband and I struggle with my mental health. Im a father and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a son and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a blogger and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a marathon runner and I struggle with my mental health. I’m an aspiring author and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a Christian and I struggle with my mental health. I’m a well paid manager and I struggle with my mental health. I struggle when I don’t take the pill.

I need to swallow my pride and swallow the pill. It restores me to who I want to be. The pill and nothing else. Not work, not church, not anything. The pill. We need to accept sometimes that we are powerless to depression and need to accept all the help we can get. If you’re in a similar situation tonight I would implore you to swallow your pride and swallow the pill. If it’s what you need to function and face the world. Don’t be an idiot like me. Order you prescription. Collect your prescription. Take your prescription. Please.

Please feel free to share your own experiences of prescription medication below. This blog was written to support and encourage within our community.

95 thoughts on “Swallow Your Pride. Swallow The Pill.

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  1. Comming to terms with requiring medication to function has been something I’ve always dealt with. After a really bad bout of major depression including hospital stays and leaves of absence from work, my medicine trials are SO important to me. I do hope one day I’ll be able to do it all on my own, but if I can’t, that’s okay too. We are not broken or weaker than others. Be thankful we have these little white pills to make us the best we can be 🤙🏼

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Reblogged this on LTWrites and commented:
    I thought this was worth reblogging because it speaks on the issues honestly. Swallow your pride and swallow that damned pill. Or pills in my case, until they get the concoction right. Thank you Fractured Faith for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m currently taking my meds every other day in order to stretch it out. My Medicaid expired, and I can’t afford health insurance at the moment. I’m afraid not to have my meds because they do keep me level. I won’t be able to attain the insurance until after July. This scares me just a little.

    Like

    1. It’s a crime and a sin how healthcare financing is mismanaged in the USA. I’m one of the lucky few who qualified for SSDI the first time I applied (although the process was needlessly long and drawn out, I did not have to hire an attorney), but they don’t authorize Medicare for two whole years afterwards, so that was a difficult time for me. It’s as if the government bean counters are hoping the disabled will die, first.

      Have you looked into prescription assistance programs, like https://www.goodrx.com/ ? Some of the drugs I take are not covered by Medicare, and I get discount coupons that save a lot of money.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I was approved for SSDI, but according to them I earn too much, therefore they took my Medicaid away from me. I’m too young to collect from Medicare, and the cheapest insurance is close to $250 a month. I still have my rent, and regular bills to pay for, so they don’t take all of that into consideration.
        I did look into goodrx and it did help a little, but not enough. My medication out of pocket was over $120 this month. Our system is far beyond broken.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. PS.. I fight through bipolar without medication as I never found one that really worked for me. Some days it’s a battle, other days I’m a mess but ok, some days I’m fine.. To read your words, I feel this amazing feeling of ‘I’m not alone’, and I appreciate that.

    Like

  5. I have my prescription for OCD / anxiety sitting in my drawer because I dont want to depend on medication to make me feel better, But i feel like I’m failing. Plus I get anxious just thinking about taking medicine… Ugh such a struggle. Thank you for sharing your story

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Please take our blogger’s advice! It is not a sign of weakness to control OCD/anxiety with medication. On the contrary, it’s a sign of strength. It’s “normal” people who don’t understand how brain chemistry works who make the afflicted ones feel “dependent” is a bad word. If the brain soup isn’t seasoned properly, life doesn’t taste good. Like a great chef, season your soup!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate. I don’t know if you’re at the point that I get to where I’m coming out of the fog and reflecting on it, but seems like you are close. When I am in that stage I marvel at how when you’re IN IT, you believe those lies your brain tell you, but then when you’re OUT of it, you know they are lies. Our brains are fascinating and scary.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m on prescription medications for bipolar, adhd, depression and anxiety. A couple of years ago I just decided to stop taking them. I was sick and tired of taking them every day. It was awful. The side effects from stopping them cold turkey were awful. I realized it just wasn’t worth it.
    It’s a chemical imbalance that we have and we have to remember that. There is nothing wrong with taking medication. God created man with the ability to make these medications, did he not? 🙂
    I will be praying for you! Remember this: You are NOT nothing! You are loved by God and your family. You are someone special! God created you and made no mistake!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I was so disappointed when my doctor finally said it’s time to try a prescription… but now that that I’ve found the one that works best for me, I couldn’t be more thankful for that day. I am finally able to be me. I have my bad days still sure, but on the good days, they’re really good.

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  9. I’m on the same medication. I’m male, brother, son ,father, lover. Last Monday I ran out. By Wednesday I wanted to kill at least two people and one was me.
    But I’m okay now.
    Thank you for your loving article.
    One day at a time, we write.
    love alwaz
    mike

    Like

  10. I too sometimes just forget or for some reason dont take my medication even though I know it is vital for my mental health. Why do we still feel ashamed that we even need to take it…if we had a physical illness and needed meds, we wouldn’t think twice! It is difficult to get past this ashamed mind set, that we are some how inferior to others because of our mental health issues. I feel you focus on the negatives (again like me) You detail that you were unhappy that you didn’t speak to another on your run, you should have been basking In glory that you did the run at all! sending hugs and positive thoughts.

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  11. Good Morning Sir, As per usual you have penned a wonderful piece. You connected with me on this site when I first started to write here and it has made such a huge difference to me. You have made comments on my pieces when I have needed it. I read your work every time you blog and find something in each of them….you make me ask questions, make me feel wonderful about what I have achieved, me feel good that I continue to try. I am a 50+-year-old woman from the other side of the world, and I am very grateful that you have your blog and you are so amazingly honest for it allows me to feel better about myself when I have those bad days as I know that there are others somewhere on this huge, big planet that is also as isolated as I am. So thank you for your raw honesty, for the fact that you are sharing your inner you that most keep locked away. I am going to remind you too of the fact that you had me talk myself into going to my local hospital and asking for help inside of ending my life…I, for one, think that is a HUGE victory for you as a wonderfully caring man.

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  12. What people often don’t realize is that mental health is not just in the mind. When there is infection in your body, there is something there that isn’t supposed to be. You take medicine to get rid of it. Though it is more complicated and there are external triggers and other things people need to keep in mind, sometimes the issues with mental health are the results of our bodies not having something they need or producing too much of something (hormones or other chemicals). Whatever the reason for this, the answer is to fix those levels. That means taking medicine, just like you would if you were getting rid of an infection. Yes, we need to do the other things that help support our mental health like eating right, keeping good sleeping habits, getting rid of triggers, exercising, seeing a counselor, or whatever else we may need. But that one little pill can do wonders for our ability to do those things.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I love how honest you are.
    Thankfully I am reminded to take my pill if I don’t. The nightmares don’t stop unless I swallow that darn thing. I too struggle with knowing this may be my forever. I have to remind myself it’s not me, it’s my chemistry, or my hardwiring. I try to be sympathetic with myself as I would for another person. I’ve been told one too many times that with my past and now the PTSD, panic, depression, and agoraphobia “they” ( doctors and therapists) are surprised I’m not dead or addicted in order to self medicate. As horrible as that makes me feel there is the silver lining. We recognize the issue, we spoke up, we asked for help. I know that takes more courage than just living the way we do. People like us are the strongest people I know.

    And for the record I would totally read your book. I don’t like fiction, but even it was fiction I’d read it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My young son struggles. I’m here to learn how to help him. Our family is relying on people like you to help us get through it. Everyday. Doctors and programs aren’t working. Learning management skills from others, is.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Very honest of you, everyone has something they rely on. It is not a flaw, a weakness, and those that matter are not ashamed of you because you take it. You have many strengths and admitting you need it is just one of them 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I tried the old will power over pill power approach several times, have the scars and wreckage to prove it. Once you finally find that right med that gives you a fighting chance to approach “normal” take it faithfully and go from there!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. I was terrified before I started taking medication for depression. Would it make me worse? How bad will the side effects be? How many will I have to try? Luckily for me, the first prescription worked and the side effects gradually wore off. My dosage was raised slightly and now I work every day to improve what the medication doesn’t.

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  17. I really liked this. A loved one of mine struggles on a daily basis with depression and anxiety. I think the world of them, and wish they could see themselves in the same light I do, but that is rarely the case. I’m rooting for you, and I’m sure you’ve heard it enough, but the pills aren’t a crutch, they’re a treatment. You don’t have to swallow your pride, but be proud that you are actively taking steps to fight your condition and be the person you want to be for your family. I’m sure they think the world of you regardless, but I’m also sure they appreciate your fight.

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  18. I know people have different ways of handling their mental issues, and sadly, denial is a well beaten path. I hope there is a way to touch them and melt their defenses and just accept that it’s okay to gey help. It’s okay not to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist anyway. I hope together, we help the others.

    Like

  19. Reblogged this on and commented:
    I wanted to share this because I want something like it on my blog. I want this rant that says, I am a normal person and I still struggle with mental illness. Medication can be very hard to cope with sometimes, and I know that for me personally, I find it making me feel like less of a person at times because I have to depend on (not one, but 11, unfortunately) little pills everyday to be a “normal”, functioning human being. BUT, as Fractured Faith Blog so beautifully has written it here, sometimes we have to swallow our pride along with the pill. Sometimes… no, actually, all of the time, our health is more important than our pride. We are no less of a person because of the medicine we have to take. You are taking care of your mind just like (I hope) you take care of your bodies.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I swear we are related by DNA. Ha I have been on Zoloft since 2001 (prior to that prozac from 96-01). They didn’t want me taking Prozac while pregnant with my last child. I made it cold turkey for five months and then I walked into the OB office and said “i want this baby to die, so my life can return to normal!” I wish I could say I was exaggerating but I wasn’t. I filled Zoloft that day.
    These days I’m terrible about remembering to take it. After about five days I hate everyone, everyone is a moron and everything gets on my nerves. I will think when did I last take my medication. You’d think I would learn but I don’t.
    No amount of running, awesome family and friends, etc can control these feelings and thoughts. I’ll be on this until the day I die unless I want to live all by myself and never speak to anyone.
    Take the pill! No one ever tell us we didn’t need insulin!
    Hope this helps!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Many people who suffers from mental health issues face this exact question. Why when I have (insert your own good “thing” here) do I still have depression, or anxiety or bipolar or OCD.

    I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we may never understand our own “why”, but if we want to get better we have to do what works for us- whether it’s therapy, medications, writing, drawing or a combination of any of those or something else entirely. I’ve accepted I will never be “cured” but I hope I can be better.

    Like

  22. Great article. It’s just brain chemistry. It’s not your fault and no big deal. The pill is no different than eating fruit, vegetables and drinking water. The only reason you struggle with it is because of the stygma in the media. Take the pill and run. It’s no big deal. You got this.

    Like

  23. You are most Definately not alone, I often am lapsy daisy in ordering my repeat prescription and then I run out and then the world is against me and the negative thoughts come back being lapsy daisy just isnt worth it, thoughts are with you x

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  24. It took me a while to realise it was my brain and body’s chemical producing ability that was failing and not providing me with enough of the right chemicals in my brain just to be able to feel able, let alone normal….whatever that is!☺ It’s really just like someone with diabetes who injects insulin or any other imbalance like this. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bright side. I take a lot of heavy medication but without it I surely would be dead. But I’m here because of those little white pills too. Thank you so much for sharing this☺

    Like

  25. I read this the other day and was still thinking about it because I connected to so much you said. Believe me, you are not an idiot at all. I think many of us mental illness patients go through this. It is pride because we feel that we have lost because we need something to help us win this battle. Plus, many of us our perfectionist. We can’t accept that we can’t just willpower us out of this. For me, it has been a long road to accepting that my mental illness is not just about working hard and it will just go away. It is not like getting that final A. It is a continual battle which doesn’t have end point maybe. For me, that has made that pill easier to swallow somehow. Anyway, lovely piece of writing. 🙂

    Like

  26. Well Thank you for writing so Honestly. It is a cool drink of water to many thirsty souls to have a person express inner truth to an outer world.
    Well I know your struggle with mental health issues and especially you statement … “I’m a Christian and I struggle with my mental health…

    It is here, within this statement that most of the angst comes from for me in such times. Yet you are not alone and from here, That you are a Christian, also comes all your hope in this life, and for the eternal reality of heaven. Christ “our hope” is a reality.
    Let me speak as a “commonwealth brother” in Chris”. First of all from the “Commonwealth of Chris”t Himself and also from the commonwealth as a “Canadian in the commonwealth with you U.K blokes. Lol.

    Let me recommend a book to you, if it will help to some degree.
    Martyn Lloyd Jones– “Spiritual depression”.

    Not to say that the “white pill ” could be done away with but I have found tremendous help from Christian writers from Here (North America) and abroad U.K. and a real help in the Puritans.
    John Owen and Richard Baxter.

    For us, as Christians it is all about “union with Christ”,

    what a Joy to know Him. even in our weakness. Christianity is all about our weakness.
    we all fail.
    Check out J.I Packer as well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seBsfKi-v2w

    Like

  27. I’m so grateful to you for speaking out about this. I have been on and off a “little pill” myself. Mental health is not something to be taken lightly. I know first hand how important it is to seek out the help we need! Thanks for your bravery. I hope it encourages others to seek the help they need as well! P.S. I just noticed I somehow wasn’t “following” you anymore??? Thank goodness you are one of the blogs I always “type in” to see what’s new and discovered that. I don’t know how it got “unfollowed.” But, I didn’t know if you saw that and thought it was purposeful, b/c it wasn’t 😉 I’m back! hehe

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      1. It always gets busy when he gets back for sure! They have about a month where he is getting off at a decent hour rather than after supper like it will be soon. We are soaking up our time with him while we can! I definitely haven’t been on here as much as I would like!

        Like

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