I’m Broken. Are You?

I’m broken.

There I’ve said it. I’m in bits. And you know what. I’ve never felt so good. Why you may ask? Have you finally lost the plot, Stephen, and floated off to the land of fairies and pixie dust? Possibly but let me explain. Then if you still think I’ve lost my senses I’ll quite happily wait for the men in white coats to come and cart me off the nearest secure facility. Deal? Great. Then I’ll proceed.

For many years I thought I was the Big ‘I am’. I knew best and anyone who thought otherwise was a clueless fool who didn’t deserve my attention. I knew best when it came to my work/life balance. I knew best when it came to my mental health. I knew best when it came to my alcohol consumption. I knew best when it came to my addictive and inappropriate behaviour. I knew best.

Then one day I realised that I didn’t, that in fact I knew nothing. I knew nothing about the needs of my loved ones. I knew nothing of the hurt I had caused them. I knew nothing of the long term damage I was causing myself and others. I knew nothing of the depths I had sank to in my endless pursuit of the next high, the next thrill, the next rush. Anything to fill the ragged, gaping hole inside of me that, try as I might, I could not breach.

Realising that you are in fact clueless as to how you have been leading your life is a sobering thought. Some refer to it as the end of the road, others rock bottom. Either way, most regard it as a dark place from which there is no return. Where you lie shattered and twisted, beyond redemption. Brokenness is seen as the end, a failure that irrevocably defines you. It is the end. I disagree. I view brokenness as the beginning.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can’t go any lower. Impact is preferable to continued free fall. It is liberating as it instigates a change that you must accept. Brokenness makes us face the reality of who we are. We can no longer hide in a world of fantasy and lies. We have no option but to take a long, hard look at ourselves in the cold light of day. We might not like what we see but it is the truth. And the truth is the key that will set us free.

When you are broken you are forced to choose a path. You can lie there in a mangled heap at the bottom of your pit of pity or you can rebuild. Brokenness offers hope, a new start and a new way. Less than two years ago I lay broken. Mentally and spiritually. I chose to rebuild. I started to glue the pieces back together again. A slow, painful process for all concerned but a process all the same.

The glue can be whatever you need it to be. For me it was my family and fractured faith. They were my therapy. They led me to this blog where I chose to bare my soul on a regular basis. A risk I know but one I was prepared to take, one I needed to take. A safe place where I could lick my wounds and breathe again. A place where I discovered a community of equally broken souls. Trying to find their way back to the light.

There is beauty in our brokenness. The cracks expose our old, toxic selves and allow the bitter bile of our past lives to seep away, drop by drop. Brokenness purges and cleanses us. It allows the light to flood in and reveal who we really are. And if we choose not to flinch and look away we can see our real selves waiting to be reborn and rise from the mess that was. Ready to start again. Broken yet yearning to be whole again.

I was broken but I strive to be whole again. This blog is part of that journey. It will be a year old in a couple of weeks and is just one of the steps on the ladder I have climbed to emerge from the dark abyss where I once lay bruised and bleeding. If you are lying in that same abyss today facing a similar fate know this – it is an opportunity to rebuild. You can go no lower. Seize that first rung and start to haul yourself back to the life you were born to live.

Brokenness is a gift. Take it. Unwrap it. Use it. Today.

I’m broken. Are you?

56 thoughts on “I’m Broken. Are You?

Add yours

  1. What can I say, apart from Game, Set and Match. That was wonderful and yet again you’ve described it in a way that we all long to and yet simply cannot find the words to express ourselves. Was there a specific moment when you realised it or did it creep up on you? I remember being in the garden on my own .. I was longing for my dead parents and feeling guilt and a million other emotions and it suddenly and strangely calmly just hit me. I realised with complete simplicity and clarity that I would rather be with my parents, wherever they were, than here in this world. That was also the day I chose to get better. I loved your blog, as ever. K

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Hey, no fare you brought tears to my eyes. It’s all good though, I am an emotional wreck right now. I love this, it is always good to let others in the same situation know they are not alone. Thank you for sharing your sad/beautiful story!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sooo broken. Recently though I learned about Kintsugi (also called Kintsukuroi) . It is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with seams of gold-infused lacquer to make the repaired object even more beautiful and valuable than it was originally. We are all broken jars of clay. But it is in our brokenness that God is strong. As 2 Corinthians 4:7 tell us “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. ” Good post my friend. You make a difference.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. Without knowing we are broken there is no hope for repair. Yes, I was broken and little by little, my Maker is remaking me beginning with giving me a new spirit filled with His love and wholeness. Good encouraging post.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Great post. It’s so easy to ‘say’ you are following Jesus, trusting God, believing the words of the Bible, but I’ve learned the hard way that I am pretty good at lip service. Surrender is the only way to ‘win’ in the game of faith and salvation.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Well written! This is my prayer as I grow older that God would continue to break me of myself. It is extremely difficult times when he does, but they are also the times I have the strongest faith because he leaves me with nothing else but to trust him. I think of Jesus’ teaching in John. We are the branches beating fruit, but getting trimmed back! There is no beauty without the pain. Favorite song by Red is The Ever. https://play.google.com/music/m/Tqmwduzao53fvcvxqjpq23b3e7e?t=The_Ever_-_Red
    Great song on the same topic!
    Thanks for reminding me I’m not the only broken one in this world that is being told to always put on a happy face even when we aren’t!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a beautiful, honest post. We are all broken by the things of the world, and I’m so grateful for Jesus who died for us to be delivered, healed and made whole. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thanks for checking out my blog. With you in this journey of healing.

    Like

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