Dear Daddy

As I write this you are living the last days of your life and I am grieving for a father and a life that I never had and this makes me sad.

Growing up was hard. When I look back on my childhood I do not have any happy memories that involve you and this makes me sad.

You put everybody else before us, you loved the Smirnoff bottle more than you loved your wife and children and this makes me sad.

On Fakebook you are the nicest man that God put breath in. Your sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews declare their love to you and you return it to them. I can’t ever remember you telling me you loved me and this makes me sad.

Money was your god and the grass looked greener on the other side. Your money didn’t stop you from getting cancer. Your money didn’t stop it from spreading. Your money can’t buy you your health or any more time. So was the grass greener on the other side?

As I write this you are dying and I am grieving. Grieving a life that you never gave me, grieving for the love that a daughter should have unconditionally from her daddy. Grieving the family holidays that I never shared with you. Grieving the family events that didn’t end up with you fighting with mummy. And this all makes me sad.

I have often thought of when this time would come what good advice could I say I got from my daddy and this always made me sad. But not today. Today I thank you for showing me how to give my children the life that I’ve grieved. I thank you that today I can put my arms around my children and hug them and tell them I love them. They may squirm and shout at me and try to wriggle out of my embrace but they will grow up with that memory and know that they were loved.

I thank you that I have learned from your mistakes how history will never repeat itself in my home and my children will never grow up feeling how I feel.

You are my daddy, you are dying and I love you. As I write this I am sad not because you are dying but because somebody that I love is dying and I’ve got no tears to cry for you anymore.

If I could give you one piece of advice it would be this – you should have watered your own grass.

Yours sincerely

Lizzie

71 thoughts on “Dear Daddy

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        1. At the minute I’ve decided when he does pass I’m not going to his funeral as I think it will be a circus and do something with Stephen and our kids but that’s how I feel now when the time comes I may feel differently. What helps is that I know my kids will never feel this way when my time comes

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  1. Wow, we have similar backgrounds with growing up. My father passed 3 years ago May 31st from cancer as well, and no one told me of it until after the fact. We had a very estranged relationship. I just wish he hadn’t suffered so.
    What you have written is beautiful and so touching.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I so relate to this. My own father deserted my mother and me when I was 14. I often tried to reach out and have a relationship with him, longing to hear him say he loved me. But all my attempts usually ended up in even more hurt. When he died, I felt such mixed emotions. Sad, because I did love him in spite of his terrible treatment to me. But I was also very angry. Angry because as long as he lived, I hoped we would somehow develop a relationship, he would someday say he loved me. Angry because now that would never happen. So I had to go through the process of forgiving him once again. Thankful, with God’s help, I was able to do that. I pray for peace for you. But I am glad that his treatment led you, as my father’s treatment did me, to NOT be like him, but be a parent that often told my kids (both by my words and my actions) that I loved them.

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    1. It’s easy to forgive but forgetting is the hard part. I have prayed and asked for guidance about this situation so many times and every time I feel more and more at peace and settled within myself. I have handed everything over to God and with him anything can happen.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. That was beautiful, painful truth from the heart. Are you going to read it to him? Sorry if that’s too personal a question, praying that God will redeem what you have lost, if only a little. God bless you

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Each time I reach out to him I am rejected by him and hurt yet again. I cant open myself up to that anymore and I don’t want my children to see me hurt yet again. I have kept my heart right with God in all of this and I think that’s why I feel at peace. I wrote this because Stephen and I believe writing is good therapy for the soul and also the purpose of this blog is for us to reach out and help others. Thank you for your comments 😊

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  4. I have many friends who have gone thru the same thing. Our experiences in life shape and mold us into who we are. Each addition or reduction of “life’s clay” sets us on a different journey. We wouldn’t be who we are without it…the good and the bad. Prayers up for you.

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  5. I am so blessed by your words! Thank you for being so open as absent parents can be a difficult topic to discuss but you leave us with hope and a reminder of living a better life.

    Liked by 5 people

  6. I know the feeling, and I, too, decided to give what I craved. I pray my children will spread it to their children. You and I survived, but I hope some father or mother reading this blog post will learn and tell their children they love them. That is what I hope to accomplish with my blogs on my parents. It’s hard, but praise God for his love that sustains us. You are not alone.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I have a very similar relationship with my Dad. 😦 He almost died a couple years ago in a car accident and when they came to tell us about it at school the first question I asked was, ‘had he been drinking?’ It’s crazy how much I still love him but I’ve gotten to the point where I am not willing to let him hurt me anymore. He is one of those toxic relationships I’ve cut off in the last year. I feel terrible about it but it was either keep drowning in my anxiety and depression or I walk away from the painful reality that is my father. Sometimes I get really emotional and break down wanting to call him but when I do I regret it instantly. I child shouldn’t have to beg for their parent’s love 😦 thank you for this beautiful expression of your own story it relates so deeply with so many of us!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I would get bursts of emotion and want to get in touch with him also and would always regret it too. A few months ago I had a dream about him and it played on my mind all day and that night my phone rang and his name came up. My stomach done somersaults and I was afraid to answer it incase it was someone to tell me he had passed away. When I answered I instantly felt so guilty for not having been to see him. Not once did he ask how me, Stephen or our children were he wasn’t interested. I thanked him for phoning me and told him I’d see him soon and he said I actually rang you by mistake. That comment was like knife in my stomach. Yet again I let me hurt me and since then I’ve made the decision that that would be the last. Thank you for commenting Elizabeth xx

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      1. That is horrible and sadly I know exactly what that is like 😞 but you are right it has empowered us to stand on our own and fight for our own families when it is difficult. It’s the reason I won’t mess around with the casual dating scene that’s so big here. Quite honestly I’d rather be with no one than the wrong who makes my kids feel like that! I’ve always blamed myself for all the problems in our relationship and so has he it’s only been after walking away that I’ve really been able to start believing that the problem wasn’t totally me fault. Unfortunately it took a really long time and a lot of hurt to get here. There were times I’d lay in bed after a really big fight with him and just beg God to not let me wake up in the morning 😥 everyone worries about me because I’ve never really had a childhood and everyone is amazed how ‘grown up’ or ‘wise’ I am for my age they think I’m going to get to later in life and have some sort of major rebellious crisis. I don’t know it makes me physically sick to be around people acting like that now and I don’t want to be defined by all of that in my past but it has shaped me and nearly all of the decisions I make. I’m so glad you have Stephen and the kids now! Having people who truly love you and are willing to choose you over their vices and past mistakes is probably one of the most healing things that can happen for daughters like us ❤ maybe one day I will find that too! Thank you Fionnuela xx

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Don’t let people speak that over you and rebuke those words. It’s not until you break free of a toxic relationship that you actually see what it was really like that you couldn’t see before. We are fortunate in that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally and to certain extent has protected us from further hurt. What he has let happen to us was a lesson for us to mould us into who we are now. Everybody deals with situations differently and because you react differently than they would doesn’t mean you are running away or hiding from our past. You are a lovely young lady with the world at your feet and an amazing bright future ahead of you. God Bless xx

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  8. A very openly emotionally piece. I was reaching for the tissues by the end, for the child who never got to have that loving father and for the father who destroyed that chance. I love looking at your family photos as you can see just how comfortable you are with each other.
    I am one of those kids that had a parent like your father but mine was a mother…everyone thought she was a princess but behind closed doors it was a different story. I am 56 and still have not face it as I just can not see why she had to be so mean.
    Thank you for sharing something so important and emotional, I know you have helped me with not just your story but also the replies that have come from it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. My mum always said “my dad hung his fiddle up at the front door when he came home” he had a face for the world and another for us at home. I’m sorry to hear you also had a similar upbringing and will be praying for you that you can come to some sort of peace about it all. Thank you for your comments I thought long and hard about posting this as it is very raw and very personal but this an honest blog and Stephen and I when this blog started a year ago did say we want to help people through our experiences so I am really happy some people are getting comfort from this so thank you 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I am my parents’ eldest, and before I was born, my father was absolutely convinced that I was going to be a son. In my extended family, boys were valued more highly than girls, and it had been a great trial to my father’s elder brother that he had “only” daughters. Well, my father ended up in the same boat as his brother, and I’m sure that it colored his perception of fatherhood, which he practiced in a primarily punitive role. In July of this year, it will have been 40 years since he died suddenly in his sleep, at age 48. I did grieve for a short while thereafter, although I’d had little to no relationship with him (the only thing I’d ever done for which he expressed approval was when I enlisted in the Navy). The greater sadness has been that he has missed out on directly witnessing my other successes – and more to the point of his limited perspective, his missing out on being a grandfather to four boys (my three sons and my sister’s one), although none of them enjoy the sport of fishing, which was his favorite pastime. Under those circumstances, he may have even become reconciled to having one granddaughter: my beautiful and talented daughter, who enjoys martial arts and earned three degrees of black belt!

    In modern Western societies, there is little positive role-modeling for fatherhood. I myself must admit that I made a poor choice of man to be the father of my children, and that mistake surely had repercussions for my children’s development. Fortunately, I had also discovered the Gospel of Jesus Christ, so during the time of the man’s neglect and after his ultimate departure, my children had the benefit of some good role-models among the men of the ministry in our church.

    Parenthood is primarily an on-the-job-training occupation for both sexes, and all parents fall short to some degree. The good news is that God, who understands the challenges of parenting (although we know that he would never have made an error, even he lost one-third of his spirit children to Satan’s influence during the pre-mortal war in heaven), and to whom parenthood is the most desirable eternal calling, is willing to give us every opportunity to repent of all our mistakes – parenting included.

    Thank you for sharing your story, and providing us this opportunity for reflection.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. So sorry. God bless you. I celebrated when my “Daddy” died. He raped me repeatedly and forced me into two abortions. Thankfully, I was able to give my son the Godly love and faith that I never had. Congrats to you for giving your children the love they need and deserve.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Reblogged this on missnormality73 and commented:
    If you take the huge step of creating a child to come into this world, then you DO have some responsibility to that child – whether you find that easy or not. Sometimes life challenges us – and is uncomfortable or difficult. Does your child find it easy coping without your support? Ask yourself that. Maybe (s)he would have preferred an easier life too…

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I clicked “Like” but an “I empathize” button would be more appropriate. Then though, 50+ “I empathize” clicks may seem shallow-meant, if that makes sense. Very well written, very big heart!

    Liked by 3 people

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