Still turning the knife

Last weekend saw the passing of my father and just as I had wrote a nice blog about him trying not to focus on the bad memories he managed to turn the knife yet again. Just when I thought he couldn’t hurt me anymore he did. My mum, my brothers and their families, myself, Stephen and our children have all been treated disgustingly by this man who from now on I refuse to even call my father.

During his life he robbed us of happy memories. We were all well down his pecking order everybody and everything came before us and even in his death we are still being treated that way. In his death he has robbed us of our grieving and robbed us of mourning him at his funeral. Now he has left us with nothing but anger and hate.

Hate for a man that we should be able to look up to and respect and anger that he couldn’t see the gold that he had under his nose instead of casting us aside for money. Money was his god and where has it got him? It may have bought him a fancy coffin and bought him a family of strangers and their fake love that didn’t really care about him just what he had in his wallet but where is his soul now, did he get anywhere near those pearly gates?

I haven’t wrote this for sympathy or for people to tell me they are sorry for my loss because I’m not sorry that he has gone and neither are my brothers.

It’s Father’s Day this weekend and I will not be spending it crying. I will be celebrating with my children and my husband and celebrating the wonderful dad that he is a man who has made mistakes in the past but was able to change and turn his life around. I will be celebrating my brothers and the amazing fathers they are and will be. I will be celebrating my father in law the man that was taken far too soon the man who also saw his flaws and changed for his family. I will be celebrating my Grandfather a man that would have gone to the ends of the earth for his family who without a doubt is in heaven today.

To the man who banned his wife and children from his funeral I hope you are proud of yourself now.

34 thoughts on “Still turning the knife

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  1. I know how you feel. I did end up going to see my mother getting buried just so I could sure she was dead. She was horribly abusive and manipulative when I was a child, and from age 12 on I had little to do with her. I had mixed feelings when I heard she had suddenly died from a brain aneurysm. I ended up crying a lot because I felt I had been cheated. Her death had robbed me of any chance to finally confront her about the things she had done to me and I felt she had got away with it in the end. So I hope you are ok. Don’t be surprised if you feel a range of emotions in the coming weeks. It’s a shame some of us get crap parents.

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  2. I am so sorry that you must endure this pain. I was not prepared for the reason for the blog, and when I read it, I thought, Oh no, not that. No words of wisdom to impart, just praying for your strength and comfort.

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  3. May God comfort you as only He can. Hugs and prayers…
    “What a wonderful God we have—he is the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

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  4. Praying for you and your family. It is hard to be hurt yet again. My son-in-laws mother died of an overdose and he had a hard time mourning her. God bless the life you have with your husband and children. Suzanne

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  5. Oh! Fi! It is a loss, nonetheless and I feel a bit of anger in you that I would t expect, but which is completely and utterly warranted. I will spend this Father’s Day, without my dad for the 14th year this weekend; he was a (insert crude names) to my mother(unbeknownst to me), but at the same time he was my hero. His good and bad qualities/actions, I will never fully understand, but I let go of the animosity for my own sake. Sending love and good vibes, Fi. 😘

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  6. I’m so sorry that you’ve had such pain and I hope that the future will find a way of bringing some peace. You’re right, focus on your lovely family now and you just write as much as you can, it really does help and all these lovely WordPress people are here behind you all the way. Big hugs, Katie x

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  7. Thank you for sharing your fractures. I have so many I am afraid I may shatter if one more crack appears. I have started my own journey of self healing and self care. I took far too long to begin and that is my only regret so far. We are all fractured if we’re honest.

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  8. When wounds are open and raw there is no words that can comfort and aide. The senselessness of suffering, the callousness and meanness of humanity, and other tragedies can rip at our faith and sense of self. I feel your rage. Turning it over to be visible, naming the injury, giving it away, and figuring out how to carry this cross and others is what we share in faith-filled communities. Prayers and comfort from afar.

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  9. *hugs* I’m glad you’re focusing on the Fathers in your life that are worth your time, and appreciation. It’s tough to shift your perspective that way, but SO much healthier than focusing on the bitterness.

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