What Do You Wear During A Heatwave?

Northern Ireland is on the verge of mass hysteria.

Now don’t be worrying. Aliens have not landed. Godzilla is not lumbering out of Belfast Lough, bearing down upon a helpless city. And, least likely of all, our local politicians have not set aside their innumerable differences and agreed on something. No, it’s much more serious than that.

Today is going to be the hottest day of the year.

So what’s the big fuss I hear you cry? Enjoy it, revel in it, make the most of it while it lasts. But you don’t understand. We live on an island of driving rain, frozen fingers and permanent cloud cover. We wear more layers than the Inuit Nation. We don’t do heatwaves. Our tiny brains simply cannot compute with blue skies and that mysterious yellow orb which is hovering above us. Is it some kind of luminous, heat emitting mothership? Where’s Tom Cruise when you need him?

Social order will break down today. The population will go one of two ways. Firstly there will be the ‘taps aff’ brigade. Gangs of pasty, under nourished youths who will roam the city centre with their ‘taps’ (t shirts) tied round their waists. Flesh will be unnecessarily exposed and some of the worst tattoos known to mankind exposed. Sales of cheap cider will rocket and most of them will wake up tomorrow sunburnt and hungover in a police cell with no idea as to how they got there.

The girls are no better. Navels *gasp* will be exposed and several inches of fake tan and make up applied in order that they might drape themselves on the lawn outside City Hall for the passing world to admire/snigger at. Stare too long and they will greet you with their trademark screeched greeting – ‘Do ye (you) wanna (want to) a picture it lasts longer?’ littered with a few choice expletives. Stay classy, Belfast.

The other extreme are those of us who have no summer wardrobe. We dress like Wildlings the entire year round. The sun may be splitting the rocks outside but we’re no fools. This is Northern Ireland, it could be snowing by lunchtime. So we don our multiple layers and waddle out into the unknown. An uneasy standoff exists between these ‘Day After Tomorrow’ types and the ‘Taps Aff’ Brigade. They eye each other warily. It could all kick off at any moment.

And as for yours truly. Well believe it or not for a man who spends half of his life in running shorts, there’s more chance of Donald Trump tightening gun legislation than there is of me exposing my knees to the great unwashed of Belfast. The most I will accede to is possibly discarding my jacket on the commute to work today. And even then I will feel utterly exposed, convinced that the heavens will open at any moment and I will be shown up for the poor, deluded fool that I am.

It doesn’t stop there. Upon arriving at chez office ‘Air Con’ Wars will be in full flow as rival factions fight tooth and nail for control of the little red switch that offers two settings – Sierra Sauna or Arctic Wasteland. Words will be exchanged and fingers wagged. There might even be a tersely worded e-mail or two. It could end up like ‘Lord of the Flies.’ Except with middle aged men in suits.

This could be my last blog post if social order crumbles as predicted. The survivalists amongst us are already retiring to their bunkers with smug ‘I told you so’ expressions on their faces. If it is then thank you for your support and I’ll see you on the other side. The sun will rise again tomorrow but it could be dawning on a very different world. A world of peeling shoulders and embarrassing white bits. Don’t say I didn’t warn you?

Are you a ‘Taps Aff’ or ‘Day After Tomorrow’ type?

What do you wear during a heatwave?

67 thoughts on “What Do You Wear During A Heatwave?

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  1. Brilliant, love the air con wars 😄 Ours is permanent siberria, the only time I wear a jukoet is to go in to work! I’m a shorts or dress kind of girl, but Scott always moans when I say it’s cold in the slightest wind 😂

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          1. Why thank you 😄 come to think of it, it was my 10 minute break so to have read and replied to your post I think I should be allowed a spelling mistake or two 😄 My spelling is usually flawless after all 😄

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  2. Hahaha! Very funny stuff! I can picture the scenes very well. And that photo of the half tanned man is great. It’s always hot and sunny here . I’d never survive in a cold , rainy place.

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  3. Hilarious!! Here in the States we’re a lot more “Taps off” kind of people. I’m not personally but you see it everywhere. What a great post. Good luck with the heat-pocalypse!!

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  4. I don’t expose my skin and I live in one of the warmest climates in the States. My preferred attire is jeans and a t-shirt. When only I’m truly brave do I go wild with jean shorts, but it’s others who suffer; needing sunglasses around my stark white legs. We stay indoors enjoying our air conditioners and iced tea. Worse comes to worse and you absolutely have to venture outdoors, it’s always best to just embrace the heat. Pretend you’re in a sauna – the sweat is cleansing. At least that’s what I tell myself. Above all, you will survive to live another day. Keep that funny chin up and live for the day you can say you survived the hottest day in the land. 🙂

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  5. I am in a place with the temperature at 91 and with the humidity, it feels like 101. This is the third day and it will get even hotter. I have never sweated so much, but at 60-something, I am dressed modestly. I do not want to scare anyone, but let us just say that gravity ain’t kind.

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              1. Well, I’m going to finished up my desk for the 4-H fair, enter the state fair dance competition, keep learning sign language, and pretty much my usual daily life. We have been so busy with vacation, camp, etc., it’ll be nice to settle down a bit ☺
                We have started a new family tradition recently. We all go outside (or inside if it’s too dark) and take turns playing songs we like. It sounds boring but we all have such different taste, it’s really interesting. Sometimes we pick funny ones, too 😃
                What about you and your family?

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  6. My preferred attire regardless of the temperature: jeans and a tshirt. I grew up in the country where shorts were frowned upon because we had cacti and snakes – jeans were a necessity because that barrier could be just enough to keep a person from dying a painful death from a snake bite, not to mention keeping the cactus spines from attaching to your skin. Australians don’t seem to have this same belief – they wear shorts all the time and don’t seem to care that their legs are so exposed to whatever creepy crawly thing in the bushes.

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      1. As a family, we used to watch that crocodile hunter show with Steve Irwin and we’d all sit there and collectively shake our heads at him because he was wearing shorts in snake infested land. No cowboy {or cowgirl} worth his {or her salt} would have been caught dead without a good pair of jeans in country like that. Apparently snake bites aren’t that common in Australia…but still. Ha ha ha!

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  7. Ahh, so similar to Glasgow then … even on the hottest days, coats are worn by the over 30’s and very little indeed for the under 30’s (which after 12 months of being covered up and eating stodgy food to compensate for the cold is a fairly fearsome sight). I therefore completely understand, hope that you survived and perhaps managed to loosen your tie a little on the journey home. Standards must prevail after all.

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  8. This is hysterical! I live in the deep south of the USA ..it’s always hot here! This morning at 5 am, I walked outside to go for a run only to be slapped in the face with 80 degrees and 98% humidity. Everyone is barely dressed and bronzed gods/goddesses! LOL

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  9. I’m a shy Irish lass from the Pacific northwest now living in San Diego. It’s taken a while and a lot of encouragement to get me to shed my turtlenecks and jeans for shorts and tee-shirts…bit by bit my poor white flesh is getting exposed to the world but by Southern California beach standards I’ll always be way overdressed! This post had me laughing in my tea this morning and when I came to the photo, I lost it completely. Blessings for your good and funny funny work and for the best excuse for staying clothed. Now when people ask me why I don’t expose more, I’ll just tell them I’m Irish!

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  10. With the heatwave here in Missouri the heat index was 37C although 100F sound more impressive. We had three days of spring and then straight into this heat. This is already our second go around with excessive heat warnings. Im so hot, I don’t even pay attention to what other people are wearing. Heck I had to take my mom to the doctor this afternoon and I wore jeans! I guess I’m use to this madness!

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  11. This was hysterical!! Our office at work is kind of like what you described with all the girls screeching “It’s cold” while me and most of the other boys in the office complain it’s too hot. I have helped myself in this regard by putting a fan on my desk that will blow me with cool air since the other girls always seem to win.

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  12. I live in Canada, And Canada is known for getting cold. However, It also gets quite hot. I always seem to insist on wearing a sweater and jeans, Despite the fact that I sweat a lot.

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