I Have Another Shameful Secret

Regular readers will know that I am a massive fantasy fan. As a teenager I was a proud, card carrying member of my school’s Dungeons & Dragons society. This meant I didn’t speak to a girl until I was around nineteen but, boy, did my fellow dorks and I have some rock n roll times in the library on Wednesday afternoons after Double Geography with Mrs. O’Neill. Which, seamlessly, brings me onto the subject of dragons….

And orcs. And dwarves. And even boring old Ents. For at the heart of my love of all things fantasy was J.R.R. Tolkien. I was obsessed with Middle Earth. I devoured The Lord of the Rings trilogy as a young boy. Okay, I skipped all the poetry and silly songs but, apart from that, I devoured it. I thought I was Stryder the Ranger before he became the (in my humble opinion) considerably less cool Aragorn the King. Yes, I was that socially awkward, heavy metaller you probably all avoided in the corridors.

Which brings me to my shameful secret. You see, there is a dark side to my LOTR memoirs. And it involves the ‘H’ word. For, as in Part One, the other week I wrote about my Harry Potter phobia, today I must cough up another dark globule of shame which begins with the letter after ‘G’. Many of you may unfollow the blog when you read these words. Others may contact Social Services. That is your prerogative. For I must confess….

I don’t like hobbits.

There, I’ve said it. Has the world stopped spinning? No? Okay then, good, I’ll continue. What is it with the world’s love affair with hobbits? When there are infinitely cooler races out there to fanboy over. Like elves and dwarves and….and…..well…..orcs! I admit it. I like orcs. I wanted The Pale Orc to squish the incredibly annoying Martin Freeman into the dust all the way throughout The Hobbit movies. And as for Samwise Gamgee? Don’t get me started.

Yes Mr. Frodo. No Mr, Frodo. Three bags full, Mr. Frodo. No wonder Gollum’s eyes looked as if they were permanently about to pop out of their sockets. I mean, how difficult is it to carry a teensy, weensy ring up a mountain. Especially when you’ve got all powerful wizards and armies of humans, dwarves and elves doing all the dirty work for you while you whine about how hungry you are and how much you miss The Shire. Grow up! Oh hang on, they can’t grow up. They’re hobbits.

Hobbits are lazy, greedy, chain smoking borderline alcoholics. They have bad hair and appalling foot hygiene. They are not to be trusted, especially when it comes to items of jewellery. They attract trouble left, right and centre and then complain about just wanting to settle down and lead a quiet life. Hang around a hobbit for any length of time and odds are you will end up dead. Although you may also get to meet Evangeline Lily. Every cloud I suppose.

So I say nay, nay and thrice nay to the cuddliness and the cuteness; to the ridiculous names and the endless smoke rings. Sir Ian McKellen should be stripped off his knighthood for deciding that this most odious of races were the ones who would save the universe from whatever Sauron had up his sleeve. And as for Peter Jackson? Well, he looks like a giant hobbit anyway so I guess I shouldn’t have expected any better from him.

Well, here endeth today’s rant. I feel so much better now I’ve got that off my chest. But fear not. My closet is far from empty. There are still a few more shameful secrets rattling around inside, desperate to see the light of day. So you have all been warned. I’m off now to calm down. I might roll my twenty sided dice for a bit. Or possibly admire the vital statistics of my Level 15 sorceress. She looks a bit like Angelina Jolie, y’know.

What are your views on hobbits?

Were you/Are you an awkward teenager?

What shameful secrets would you care to share?

57 thoughts on “I Have Another Shameful Secret

Add yours

  1. I would tend to have to agree with your article, except for one redeeming feature. If it wasn’t for hobbits I might have made it through my entire life without Second Breakfast and that would not have been a life worth living.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I preferred Dennis McKiernan’s world of Mithgar to Middle Earth and his Wearlinga were better than Hobbits. 🙂 I am re-reading the books now and am enjoying them much more than I did re-reading Tolkien. I know that isn’t the way it is supposed to be, but…well the Jackson take on the movies were better than the books and I don’t say that about movies very often.

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  3. Don’t like Hobbitses? Ok, that’s it. I’m going to have to stop reading your blog.

    Not really. But I love Hobbits–their innocence, their peaceful lives, their playfulness, their gardens, their unexpected bravery, and their love of second breakfasts. They have such a simple life with simple joys. I have a welcome sign on my property that welcomes Hobbits, Elves, and Dwarves, among other nice people.

    I discovered the LOTR books as a kid and have loved Middle Earth ever since. I almost sat down once to teach myself the Elvish language.

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  4. I was a band nerd, so, yes, awkward teenager. I also plowed through LOTR in high school, along with the Gormenghast Trilogy and other fantasy and science fiction lit. You have a good point, though. Hobbits are rather annoying. I’m much more fond of the elves and even the humans in the story. As cliche as it sounds, I figure my favorite character is Gandalf. Either White or Grey, doesn’t matter.

    My shameful secret involves music. I don’t like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Never have, never will. It baffles some of my friends. I also CAN NOT STAND Jack White!!! I have no clue why the world falls at his feet. He is a horrible singer and a not much better guitar player.

    There you go.

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  5. I was never an awkward teen, I’ve read the Hobbit and TLOR many times, and although hobbits aren’t my favorite race in the books, I do admire their simplicity and lack of worldly ambition. Elves are my favorite race in those books, and I often wished I was one or could live amongst their communities. I read the Wish Song series by Terry Brooks, too. Lots of elves and magic.

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  6. I discovered Tolkien when I first left home for university. The Hobbit was a fun time-waster, back then. After I had children, the LOTR cycle provided clean enough fantasy escapism for me to feel that it was appropriate bedtime reading material. Many years later, when my son and I reversed the bedtime-story-reader role (during my latest serious illness), he read aloud the entire epic. Among other analyses we conducted along the way, we decided that Tolkien did his best work on The Hobbit. The LOTR series is a sprawling morality tale that could have used some tightening up, to the tune of at least one quarter of the verbiage (exclusive of the versification). The hobbits themselves? Well, as fictional protagonists with multiple foibles, I can take ’em or leave ’em. They’re more tolerable to me than stereotypical, one-dimensional elves (arrogant) and dwarves (avaricious).

    My shameful secret is that I’ve never been able to stomach enough of The Chronicles of Narnia (another massive morality tale) to finish the series. Lewis’s best work in that set is The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The only other Lewis works I’ve read are The Screwtape Letters and its sequel, Screwtape Proposes a Toast. I re-read them occasionally.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I hear you, my friend: I don’t understand the massive appeal of The Hobbit (be it the book or the race). I gave it a fair try and couldn’t connect with it: I tried reading the original book, and I was just bored. When I found out it was going to be made into three films (whose abridged running total is nearly eight hours), I just thought to myself, “I’ll pass.”

    As far as secrets go…

    Part one (which I’ve never shared with anyone until now): I don’t understand how the Lord of the Rings has so much appeal. I tried reading the books and found myself bored. I’ve gone through the films twice, and both times I felt almost as bored as when I read the books. I feel as if LotR is an acquired taste—but I still don’t know why millions have acquired it and not I.

    Part two: Narnia and I are on worse terms. I have huge issues with the theology (and I’ll let my blog speak for itself on that one). For a time, my criticism of Narnia was a secret because I wasn’t sure how Christians would respond to my criticism of it; thus, I kept my opinions a secret until November 2017, when I was ready to share and defend them.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I should have worded my comment more carefully. When I made that note about Narnia, I was trying to abbreviate my thoughts on it—but I just didn’t do it very well. If I may, I recommend that you read Narnia first; I think it’s an incredible read, and I don’t want my opinions to get in the way of your enjoying a masterpiece.

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  8. I don’t think I ever played a halfling in my D&D days, but I think I played everything else. Maybe I subconsciously share your prejudice. My shameful secret, though, is I would absolutely take up D&D again right now as a thirtysomething adult if offered the chance.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You don’t like hobbits!?
    I just watched the original LOTR last night, btw.
    My favorite race are the dwarves, because they are awesome. If I lived in Middle Earth, I would totally be a dwarf. My name would be Kendra Oakenshield and I would be Thorin’s daughter. I have given this a great deal of thought, so I guess that qualifies me as a dork. Oh well.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh,sweet Mother of all that’s Holy!!!

    Thank you!! Hubby and I were *just* having a discussion about Hobbits, and while I admire their ability to eat 8 times a day – that’s as far as it goes. Their feet (and floors and sheets) must be vile, and I don’t get the whole LOTR passion, 29 billion hours of never ending “Is this the end of this dang movie?.” I don’t loathe Tolkien, but man…. pickings gotta be slim for me to go that way.

    My “secret”? I also have Zero, none, zippo, nada interest or tolerance in the whole Outlander series. None. I think they’re poorly written, poorly researched, and the women I know who just *adore* this never ending, misery of fiction and encourage me to try it “Just one more time” can go lick Hobbit feet. Just, NO.

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  11. Ah! This explains so much about you, and differences of opinion keep things interesting. But please don’t hate me because I am surely part hobbit, what with their affinity for second breakfasts, full larders, fireworks, and staying at home. But as we have previously discussed, I am equal parts ent and elf as well. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  12. It is something to be a hobbit I suppose. Frodo’s drove me bonkers. I actually liked Sam in some parts, though I don’t know why the movies never showed just how dark he became when he had the ring briefly. I’ve never read the book series, though I greatly admire the writer. I made it about halfway through the hobbit and it was a lot for me. But who knows maybe I’ll be able to go through it having a new perspective of world creating and all. 🙂

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  13. I am an Alaskan Writer of fiction. Unsigned and unpublished. My blog amyjogocinco.wordpress .com
    One chapter at a time I am writing a novel. Tom Clancy style. I can’t pay the bills with my writing. I am 27. My last job for 5 years has been Bartender at a college bar in Texas called Bikinis. Yes I wore a thong g-string with a painted bra(topless) to work all those years.
    I used the name “Cheyenne”
    My shameful secret is this… I am was and always will be a nerd 🤓. I have a double degree in computer software engineering AND internet marketing.
    You would think I would take a job that I turned down in my field paying $120,000 per year on contract.
    None of my family knows I could of had a job in Austin and still live at home. Ugh 😑 instead I took $50,000 I saved on “bikinis work” sold my Porsche sold my “work clothes “ haha what clothes. And I said I was offered a big publishing book deal and fronted the $50,000 to write a secret agent novel in a year with a definite movie deal in 3 years. It is all a lie. I made the money as an escort.
    I couldn’t face hurting my grandmother mom or dad with the truth. Only my grandpa knows. He is a pilot and fisherman in Alaska. Hope Alaska. He told me I could live in his cabin forever for free. And write cuz honestly that is the only thing that makes sense in my mixed up life. So I need to finish my novel get it published and a movie in the works in three years. Otherwise my family will find out the truth amyjo.club is not a bar. And I don’t where a bikini to work. I don’t dance. I am a GFE or girlfriend experience for two older men.
    I left Texas and changed my identity to live in Alaska and get away from those men. My grandpa and now uncle are helping me by providing support and a place in Alaska. It has been 10 months and I love love love it and the writing is progressing. Learn as I go style. Anyways no big deal I’m living the life I want and am suppose to live now. I know I will have to say something next year but not today.
    Well that’s it my secret.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Amy. Thanks for sharing your story. That’s quite a tale and has the makings of a book in itself. As a fellow nerd I’m looking forward to following your journey. It was brave of you to turn your back on your life in Texas to pursue your dream in Alaska, a state I dream of visiting one day. I’m working on my first novel and a cabin in the middle of nowhere sounds like the perfect writing environment 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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