I Am Sic

I am sic

Nervous tic

Binge and purge

This endless urge.

Odd

Erroneous

Out of place

Unworthy of the human race.

Worthy of comment

Worthless, I vomit

Bird in a cage

From the rope I will plummet.

Dead to his Word

Alive to their world

Baptised in blood

Yet drowned in the flood.

No peace here, just pieces

Faceless diseases

Endless attacks

This war never ceases

For I am sick

And I am sic

Liar, fool,

And lunatic.

I don’t write much poetry but I woke with the phrase ‘I am sic’ in my head this morning. Sic, as in the adverb placed after a quoted word to highlight that it is grammatically incorrect but is quoted in its original format. The poem hopes to describe how I felt in my lowest OCD days. It does not represent how I feel today, but I hope it may speak out to others and offer assurance that recovery is possible.

I regard this as one of the most important posts I have published in some time. It felt as if the words were placed within, as opposed to created by, me. They are from me, and not of me. So, I don’t ask this often but if the poem resonates with you could you reblog and share this message within your own community. That would mean a lot to me. For we are all a little bit sic and in need of correction.

‘I Am Sic’ was partially inspired by the song ‘I’m So Sick’ by Flyleaf. Its vocalist and writer, Lacey Sturm, is featured in today’s accompanying image.

32 thoughts on “I Am Sic

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  1. Reblogged this on famine to feast and commented:
    is it odd to say you love something when the subject matter is dark? no matter, i do, mostly because it speaks to me. it reminds me of the mental rage that occurs when my bulimia is at its most active. it reminds me of the racing thoughts and the rage that swirls about inside. mental illnesses are hard but sharing the struggles is a beautiful thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know too well what that feels like. I was, to borrow the movie title, “Twelve Years a Slave” – a slave to bulimia. I didn’t think I could ever be free from it. But when I stopped being “dead to his Word” and started applying that truth to myself, not just to the kids I was ministering to, I began to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I started purposefully believing what GOD said about me, not what my feelings were telling me. Over a period of some months of acting in SPITE of my emotions, the feelings of worthlessness gradually lost their stranglehold on my mind. I’ve had a few setbacks since then, but if I stand on what the Bible says about grace, instead of my self-condemnation, God helps me back to my feet, and together we go on.
      PS The Word of God – the “belt of truth” – is like a mountain climber’s belt, connecting me to the One at the top. I may slip, but I don’t slide all the way to the bottom. I may stumble, but I don’t go crashing to my death. I’m not perfect, but I AM free.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. “worthless i vomit”. perfect line. everything goes dark when the eating disorder is in the ascendancy. bulimia shares many features with ocd behaviours. thanks for writing it down and sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your words resonate with me strongly, as I am sure they do to others as well. Glad to hear this isn’t representative of your current place but I know how it is to be there. Please know you are not alone in the darkness.

    Like

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