Don’t Tell My Wife I’ve Written This

They are legion. Breeding. Multiplying. Every time I turn my back, more of them appear. Cloning. Driving me to the depths of despair and the heights of frustration. Are they a hallucination? A figment of my overworked imagination? Is there a medical term for such a psychosis? Do I require medication, counselling, a lie down in a darkened room? No, for they are real and I am, therefore, doomed.

Cushions….

It all started innocently enough. Almost as an afterthought, Fionnuala mentioned one day last month that she had her eye on a new set of cushions for the living room. I thought nothing of it, as I leave all such interior design matters to her refined eye. I struggle to match my socks in the morning so this was a whole new world to me. A world I had no intention of setting foot upon.

I had my side of the sofa, and Fionnuala had hers. We had a cushion each, with one in the middle to act as a security buffer or sterile corridor in the event of any unwanted infractions by either party. The United Nations were on speed dial in the unlikely event that this occurred. Unlikely, but you can never be too careful where such matters are concerned. All was well with the world.

Now we have three cushions. Each. With a Great Wall further separating us. Woe betide me, if I attempt to dislodge any of them even a fraction of an inch. I used to recline and relax on our leather settee. Now I teeter on the edge of it, scared to breathe. Nothing, but nothing can be found, in this forest of fabric. Phones, Kindles, remote controls, even Rebecca disappeared for several hours over the festive period.

I thought there was a glimmer of hope as one set featured some elegant swans within a wintry backdrop. Perhaps they will be gone by Easter. But what seasonal horrors will replace them? Chicks? Bunny rabbits? The mind boggles. Either way, I am fighting a losing battle for the one domain where I thought I was safe. If a man’s home is his castle, then surely the sofa is his throne.

And there’s more. Oh, so much more. The madness has spread. To the bedroom. Never one to rest on her laurels, Fionnuala has started spring cleaning a full two months early. The cushion invasion has spread to the bedroom. I returned home yesterday to be greeted by an impenetrable barrier of the abominable objects. A Grand National winner would have struggled to hurdle them.

I have estimated that if I want to go to bed at 10:30 p.m. I will actually need to commence operations at around 9:45 p.m. in order to complete a successful excavation and reach my mattress. Any less time, will result in abject failure. There are also a myriad of Health and Safety ramifications. Do I now need to wear a hard hat when on site? Perhaps a hi-vis vest, clipboard and whistle?

If you are talking to my wife, for she occasionally blogs herself, deny all knowledge of this post. It can be our little secret, okay? For I fear the consequences if my concerns are divulged to her. Suffocated under an avalanche of cushions or battered to an unrecognisable pulp by them. Neither modus operandi particularly appeals to me. Instead, I will grit my teeth, smile, and continue to teeter.

On the brink….

Are you a lover of multiple cushions?

Or do they strike dread into your heart?

What household habits within your home drive you insane?

145 thoughts on “Don’t Tell My Wife I’ve Written This

Add yours

  1. I am often reminded of the scene from “along came Polly” where the main character stabs the unnecessary cushions which had to be removed and replaced if you wanted to get in or make the bed at either end of the night. Can’t stand too many cushions myself

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Blame the cushions, they definitely multiply. We are a household of four and there are roughly 20 cushions and only two sofas. Admittedly the teens have three each in their rooms, and another eight are stowed away under the bed, but still…!

    Like

  3. I shouldn’t really complain because my wife makes cushions, to sell as well as for our home. However, I do draw the line at excessive cushions in a bedroom. I mean, what are they all for exactly and where do you put them all when you want to go to sleep? Seems a waste of life to me, taking them off and putting them all back on the bed again. (Sorry Fionnuala).

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We guys have to stand up for one another. Out with the cushions, Fionnuala. A man needs room to breath free, to stretch his frame, to assert his masculinity. None of these silly, pretty, cluttery things.(But those in the picture are quite attractive, very elegant bed accessories) Quit your fussing, Stephen.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. This is hilarious and I love the style of your writing as you draw the audience in! Even throwing in humor about unable to match your socks 😂 absolutely liven this posts! Cushions… I am a fan of less. I like to keep it simple. Blessings to you and your wife!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. There are women that are with you on this one, I promise! I do have cushions on our sofa (mainly to help my back and keep me upright) but they are forever being left on the floor or piled in a barrier between me and my husband. They get trapped underneath my legs and take up all my space! They annoy me so much.
        And cushions would NEVER make it into my bedroom. Never.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Honestly, I read this like a thriller of sorts. Or like Godzilla attacking NY, whereas it’s Cushions attacked You, 😆! Get the helicopters, Stephens going to attack, 😆
    Your writing reads like an adventure, but simplicity of ordinary life’s challenges. Great post! Have a good day!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I cannot believe you blogged about this one of those cushions just may come in handy this evening lol. I actually restrained myself when out shopping with the girls this morning Rebecca wanted me to buy some more just to annoy you but I said no I didn’t want to tip you over the edge I feel an urge to go out shopping again 😆

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Your writing style is excellent! Whether dark or light! You capture your reader’s attention to continue following your story regardless the tone. It’s clever, witty and touches upon little details we all think about in our daily lives.
        It’s wonderful.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I was going to send you photos of our cushions, but find I can’t attach them. They tend to say things like ‘Reserved for the Staffy’ and ‘Embrace the dog-hair, it’s everywhere’

    Like

  9. Those are not cushions – those are instruments of torture. I have to admit to being a pillow fiend – but I also prop up my naughty knee, support cranky bits etc… So far my beloved has done nothing worse than try to steal some of MY foofy supports.
    Best of luck to you – if asked, this conversation never happened.

    Like

  10. Honestly, I think you can make just about anything funny. This is hilarious! And to answer your question – NO – not me – not ever. I mean what’s the point of the bloody things? They’re nothing but a nuisance – for all the reasons you’ve listed. My hubby loves kitchen gadgets – that’s what drives me insane in my house – guess we all have something – I’m sure there’s something I can’t live without that makes him a bit crazy too. I thoroughly enjoyed this post – thanks for the chuckles.

    Like

  11. My “laptop,” when on my lap is too low. I always put a cushion under it. That’s the only practical use for a cushion that I know of. But I do think they add a lot to the beauty of a room.
    You should just let your wife express her artistic creativity, or she may find another outlet you find even more distressing. At least cushions don’t splash or drip or give off toxic fumes. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  12. My husband would totally agree with you. We have had a ongoing disagreement about how many cushions are needed on a couch. We both have our “big” chairs so the couch is only used when we have company. So I say have lots of cushions and I always tell company they are free to put them on the floor if they don’t like them. But he just doesn’t want a lot of cushions. Right now we have settled on four small ones on the couch. I’m with your wife on this one.

    Like

  13. I went down the cushion rabbit hole once. It didn’t take me long to get annoyed at them. I’m a comfort first kind of person so they lasted about a month. I get the esthetic but that takes a back seat to time saved by not having to remove and store them nightly (when I’m ready for bed, I’m ready!) or throwing them on the floor to get comfortable on the couch.

    I’m with you on this one, Stephen.

    Like

  14. Entering the discussion rather late – I’m with you. Cushions on the bed: total waste of time. Too many cushions on the sofa: too uncomfortable. But useful for throwing at a misbehaving cat…

    Like

  15. Hilarious! I only have 4 pillows on my bed (2 on each side because they always fall flat). But too many on the sofa would drive me crazy (my mom has several on her couch and the few times I do sit on it, I’m wedging myself between them or moving a couple of them aside, LOL).

    Like

  16. Appropriate number of cushions is a source of marital disagreement in our house too. I think the sofa looks weird without them on, but my husband removes them. I agree about the bed though- only pillows needed, no cushions!

    Like

  17. Don’t come on our living room – we bought two big settees for this house – first time we had a room big enough. Nine cushions plus small ones to prop up visitors otherwise they sink into the furniture and can’t get up again.

    Like

  18. Too funny. Are you a comedian as well? Loved how you search for the bed. I only have two cushions on each couch although they end up lost each time my daughter comes home. She throws them around. Drives me nuts.

    Like

  19. I enjoyed your blog. Great sense of humor. My husband complains about the pillows on our couch also but he rarely sits there. There’s only four and they are allowed to put them in the floor. I pray God helps you find the right publisher. I think you have a genuine gift for writing.

    Like

  20. They can say a man’s home is his castle all they want, but this is why we have caves…
    I like the LOOK of cushions, but they are probably something to be used to impress guests (and left in place if the guests are of the unwelcome variety.) Thankfully, my significant one has come around to thinking that they are mostly a nuisance, and our seating has become more comfortable since.
    A fun read – thanx!

    Like

  21. I’m wondering. Will …..I …….won’t I ……..tell on you. If I am tempted to write to your wife or phone her or just meet her in the street, how do I bring up an incidental conversation about cushions? It would be too contrived. Easier to let the matter pass and swear some kind of allegiance to you. After all, I’m actually on your side. I have the same problem. My wife, Carol, likes buying cushions for every room in the house. I’m in our lounge at this time and I can count seven scotch plod cushions just lying around doing nothing. My major gripe is when visitors arrive and can’t sit down properly. Too embarrassed to throw them on the floor they attempt to balance out cushions,biscuits, coffee in a mug and low grade conversations. And bedtime is a brawl, fighting off or stacking five Indian style pink and red, fringed, beaded monsters before I can claim my side of the bed. No wonder I’ve taken to sleeping in the spare room……..

    Like

  22. I love cushions and the survival of my marriage relies on my husband never reading your blog. As a writer I loved the way your used humor and I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. Although we come from opposite ,in almost every way as a writer, I will enjoy following your journey. PS Thanks for the like. I am struggling writing wise right now and it was the nicest thing to wake up to.

    Like

  23. Hilarious! And with a title like that, who could resist the blog post?! Unusually, I believe, as the lady of the house, I do not like cushions whereas my other half does. They get in the way. When I used to sleep over at my mum’s house years ago, going to bed at night meant spending five minutes throwing all the excess cushions on the bed on the floor and I’m someone who likes to get in to bed quickly.

    Like

  24. So, I saw you stopped by my blog, and being neighborly decided to meander over. This. Post. Was. Hilarious!!! Omg! I was rolling! I almost found myself wondering if my husband was blogging now and using faux pics of a happily married couple to stay incognito. The good thing…you are not alone. There are droves, DROVES, of you crowded, confused, men out there; my husband included. What I see as decor, he sees as a dog hair magnet, among other things. He doesn’t dare touch them, either. To do so is the equivalent of invading my personal space and could bring about an argument such as “Do I mess with the tools in your garage?” Consider yourself lucky, though. I didn’t see a body pillow one on that bed. A single body pillow taking up additional space on a bed while you’re in it, can be the deciding factor on whether you stay married or not. Yes, it’s that serious. Lol!

    Like

Leave a Reply to Jay-lyn Doerksen Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: