Fionnuala and the girls commissioned the television this afternoon to watch the first Harry Potter movie. This is an experience I have managed to avoid in all my years on the planet to date. I’ve also never read the books. I blogged about this once and the response was phenomenal. It remains my most popular post of all time, sparking fierce debate between PotterHeads and the rest of us. HP, it seems, is a bit like Marmite. You either love or loathe him.
As ever, the female members of the Black clan were several steps ahead of me. Having booked the television to watch the Manchester United – Spurs match later in the day, I could hardly demand they turn off the Hogwarts Express as it trundled away from Platform 9 3/4. Not that they would have paid me the slightest bit of notice anyway. So I reluctantly resigned myself to almost three hours of annoying child actors with squeaky voices and overactive wands.
Here’s what I’ve learnt so far. Robbie Coltrane is in it. I loved him in Cracker. And Gandalf! Except he’s called Dumbledore. Is he an undercover wizard? And if so, what’s his game? Warwick Davis is also in it. I loved him in that documentary with Karl Pilkington. You know, the bloke from ‘An Idiot Abroad.’ Was Warwick in Star Wars? Something tells me he played an Ewok. Or was he a robot? Turns out, there’s another multi billion movie franchise I know nothing about.
I now understand what quidditch is. Harry seemed to spend the first ten minutes of the match doing very little, bar acting poorly. The captain of the other team was nasty and had bad teeth, whereas the captain of Harry’s team was a good guy and had better teeth. Alan Rickman turned up, although I preferred him in Die Hard, where he had much better hair. Imagine Bruce Willis playing quidditch. He’d soon sort out those bludgers.
As for Harry himself? He’s like a teensy weensy Daniel Radcliffe. Oh hang on, that’s because he is. What’s with his monobrow? He looks like a pre pubescent Liam Gallagher. Ron Weasley was as annoying as I expected and as for Hermione Grainger? Well, I’ve never quite bought into the ‘Emma Watson is the greatest young actress of our time’ and this movie reinforces my stance. Saoirse Ronan anyone?
I got a bit bored after the quidditch match and the fight with the troll in the toilets. There seemed to be a lot of running around darkened corridors, interspersed by cryptic conversations with heavily made up legendary British thespians. Rebecca wandered off at around the two hour mark, saying it was too long, but Hannah stuck it out to the bitter end, stating she enjoyed it. And Shaun Mendes was nowhere to be seen.
I bit my lip and said nothing. The match kicks off in under an hour and I don’t want it to be banished from the living room for anti-Potter sniping. There’s currently a battle raging on a giant chessboard. It’s very dusty, yet Harry hasn’t stopped to clean his glasses once. Now that is magic and a spell I’d pay good money to learn. I also saw a centaur at one point. Or was it a faun. No wait, that’s Narnia.
I think I’ll stick to Middle Earth, hobbits and orcs. I know where I stand with them. Hogwarts is a strange and unsettling place, where I feel hopelessly out of my depth. Oh look! It was the bloke with the turban all along. Well, I never saw that coming. Voldemort looks a bit like Darth Vader without his helmet on. Oh dear. There I go with the Star Wars comparisons again. I wish this match would hurry up and start.
When did you last sit through a movie you weren’t fussed about in order to keep the peace?
What’s your favourite big budget movie franchise and why?
Is the movie ever better than the book?