Bomb Girl – Chapter 1

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Chapter One of ‘Bomb Girl’ is up. All feedback and comments welcome.

25 thoughts on “Bomb Girl – Chapter 1

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  1. It certainly helps when you are the native speaker. The chapter has a great sense of dark tone written all over it. It sort of falls under the heavy time and weather that’s being usual in the UK. I presume it’s the UK because of the names, I haven’t really seen any other tell sign that’s in any other place.

    The story of Annie is really sad, but I hope it will brighten up within the next chapter. I also assume she is the main character in this story, so if she suffers a mortal event, the story won’t be very long, wouldn’t it?

    So far, I love the words and vocabulary. It paints a graphic scene and tells barely enough about the personality of the characters. I wish you a lot of luck and success with this project Commander Stephen. I am glad I am in the company of versatile people with creative imagination. Happy writing Commander. I salute your efforts.

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  2. I like how the story begins. I think the first chapter is good overall with a beginning that is action-packed and pulls you in. I wonder if perhaps, though, you rely a bit too much on some cliche’s to convey what you want to say and would check for that and maybe more concrete descriptors. For example, “pure as the driven snow” feels a bit like a cliche. Saying the father would have been “disappointed, hurt, even angry” is accurate, but not descriptive in a concrete way that makes me see his face, his body language. I mean, I get that you don’t want to go too deeply into the characters. I don’t know. These are just initial thoughts. Take them or leave them. I loved the line, “six pounds eleven ounces of mewling, bloody life.” That was vivid for me. Also those little phrases like “crumb of comfort.” That felt original. Sorry, this is a bit of a rambling review! Again, take it or leave it. I don’t know that I’m right.

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  3. Hi Stephen, I really liked this beginning and can’t wait to see what happens next. I liked a lot of the metaphors you used to get the scene across, especially the part about the shattered glass looking like dew on the hospital floor. The one thing I would look for is using the word “for” too often. I think you’re using it to drum up the drama of the scene but it comes across more pretentious than anything. Think about how each sentence sounds when you read it out loud, would it sound natural if you were verbally telling the story instead of in writing? Sometimes simplicity plays the drama more than the pretention. Looking forward to more!
    Your friend,
    Liz

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