Anxiety Is A Killer

Anxiety is a killer. It kills your present and lays waste to your future, cutting a bloody swathe through your plans and hopes. It is a creeping, niggling death of a thousand cuts, nibbling away at the fringes of your confidence and self belief. It is slow, excruciating but it is there from the moment your eyes open until your head hits the pillow at night. It is the vulture on your shoulder, it’s the albatross round your neck. It is here and it is now.

Anxiety is a killer. Like a petulant child it grabs the shiniest treasures in your life and holds them high above its head, gleefully looking you in the eye, before hurling them to the ground, shattering into a thousand pieces at your feet. It is mindless malice, a reckless wrecking ball tearing asunder all you value and cherish. It gives no reason, for it does not have to justify its actions to anyone, least of all you.

It goes where it wishes, unrestrained by convention and protocol. You cannot shackle what you cannot see, you cannot corral a shifting, vacuous mass of nothing that sweeps and swirls throughout your ravaged psyche. It reigns supreme, it rains fire upon what might have been. Engulfing you in its fiery grip, it caresses your skin, blistering and blackening the purity of your essence.

You run, you hide, it matters not for it knows where you go. You are it’s plaything, a pathetic puppet on a series of strings which it cuts one by one to leave you dangling by a solitary strand, a mangled marionette staring into the abyss. It devours you whole, sucking the very marrow from your bones. It becomes your everything, for everywhere you turn it’s there, laughing, pointing, mocking.

There are days it’s barely there, but still you sense it watching from the outer edges of your consciousness. You lick your wounds and gird your loins, hurriedly repairing breached defences with whatever tools are to hand. Desperation focuses the mind like no other emotion. You are driven, bursting momentarily above the surface to suck much needed life into your lungs. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Anxiety is a killer, and sometimes killers like to watch, savouring the moment before swooping for the coup de grace. They like to watch you struggle and squirm, begging for mercy, a reprieve, another chance at life. They nod and smile, like benevolent parents, before you are told to hush. For that is not the way it works. You both know that, but still you try, to find a way to evade its clutches. You try, you fail.

Sleep brings little release for it stalks your dreams, reminding you of how little you mean to anyone, how wretched and worthless your life has become. You awake more tired than when you fell asleep, exhausted and utterly unprepared for the day ahead. You lie there, suffocated by the silence. Within the silence, no one hears your screams. Even those who care to listen, hear nothing but the void.

Anxiety is a killer. It comes knocking when you least expect, a wandering ghoul who travels wherever it so desires. It snuffs out the candle of your soul, enveloping you in its deathly embrace. You breathe deep and are numbed by it’s cathartic, soothing voice. Your heavy eyelids drool and you become still, another notch on its bedpost. You are but one, but we are many. This army of the dead.

Do you suffer from anxiety?

How does it affect your life?

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 15 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

37 thoughts on “Anxiety Is A Killer

  1. Wow! This was really well-written, but super dark. Anxiety IS a killer, but there must be a way out of its deathly grip. My strategy these days is trying to face it and tell it, “I don’t care. Do what you will. I will sit back and let you play your games, then release you from my mind and get on with my day.” Anxiety thrives on the belief we have that we actually have a semblance of control over anything in our lives. We don’t. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we’ll stop trying to “keep it all together”, and instead, give in to letting our internal GPS system be our guide. If we truly submit ourselves to the universe, anxiety doesn’t stand a chance. (Easier said than done, I know.)

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  2. I suffer greatly from anxiety. It definitely affects me on daily basis, some days are worse than others. Sometimes I don’t eat because of it…my stomach is in a constant state of knots! I worry about my future. I worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I worry about retirement and will I be able to take care of myself. I don’t like my job and dread going every day (I look everyday for something else). I try meditation and Yoga — it helps temporarily. I don’t know what else to do.

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      1. Thank you, and you’re welcome ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m trying hypnotherapy this weekend and quite excited about it, actually! I’ll send an update at some point…

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          1. Hi! Hope you and your family had a nice weekend! As promised, here is an update on my first hypnotherapy session. It went VERT well, so well, that I am going back next Saturday. The first 2 hours was spent just getting to know me and trying to get to the root of my anxiety (many causes) and how I can make changes, as well as my way of thinking. She creates a “script” that are from my very own words, and will eventually become something I will practice and refer back to for as long as I need. There wasn’t any hypnosis the first session, that will happen next week. I cried a lot, and by the end, I felt both exhausted and a sense of relief. She also gave me some “homework”, which I will go into more detail about when I write my blog on this later today ๐Ÿ™‚ As of right now, I can say that I am pleased with it so far and optimistic!

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  3. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a little girl. I’ve been on different medications throughout the years and while it helps, it doesn’t cure. I am a worrier. I worry about so many things in my life.

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  4. Yes!! Actually this post filled me with major anxiety. You grasped and wrote about it brilliantly. The unknown is full of anxiety. The what ifs are wild and plausible, but usually horrible fantasies. Like, itโ€™s 1035, and he said heโ€™d be home by 1030, โ€œhas he been in a car wreck? Is he doing something awful? He is not coming home!โ€ Itโ€™s awful. Now I can most of the time laugh at myself and shove the thoughts aside!

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  5. Every day I live with anxiety. It is a constant companion. It goes to work with me, sits in the car with me, and always makes me feel like I’m not good enough. Everyone is laughing at you and you’re a total fraud. You don’t belong helping people. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn’t afraid all the time. Thank you for capturing the struggle with your beautiful words.

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  6. Fortunately no, that is not one of my demons. Years ago, Karen, my next door neighbor, a deeply faithful woman, was outside weeding her flowers as a major hurricane was bearing down on us. “Karen, are you not preparing for the storm?” “What storm?” she replied. She did not read the news, did not have a TV. I believe she lived her life well.

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  7. I am far too familiar with ANXIETY!! I understand the darkness of the post because it stops me from living my life to the fullest. It prevents me working in a professional job and it stops me being the best wife/friend/relative that I can be. Thank goodness for medication!

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  8. No one really “suffers from anxiety” any more than anyone suffers from something so natural as breathing or speaking. Though, there is something else one may be suffering from, and it is something called “obsession”.

    Anxiety is the “fear of the unknown”, while depression is one linked closest to the “fear of death”. It’s as if depression will push a human past the past (because depression is a focus on the past), so that one reaches that “fear of the unknown/future” and through uncertainty, one will recede back to a focus on previous failures, which creates the onset to anxiety. Anxiety is the “fight or flight response” and is connected to the oldest fear known among humans, since we were once reptiles, and still are, in what anxiety represents. That “oldest fear” is the “fear of the unknown”. And no matter if you possess faith or trust in anyone else, or even yourself or not, one inevitably fears what may happen for their life, should they value it. To face the pain, in acceptance of it, or to deny it ever exists, and turn away. Those are your only two options, as Nature dictates it, when dealing with anxiety.

    I don’t believe in the medications of Xanax or Klonopin, or any other one of these so-called “anti-anxiety” pills, because they create the same effect upon your mind as alcohol. That’s right. Alcohol, being a depressant, gives you more of a focus on your past, so that you may have a better outlook upon it. It numbs the pain from fear, so that the alcoholic is able to “live a life of denial”, so to speak, because both their pain has been numbed, and their past is now before their very eyes. They keep reliving their past moment, because it is not depression that one is meant to face, but anxiety. Anxiety is the “fear of the future”, the “fear of the unknown” that remains as a blur.

    Alcohol and anti-anxiety pills will only stunt the gain of a “bright future” so that everything most certain (being the past) is the only sight. One will, through alcohol, and these pills, cling to everything they’re most certain of, and this only embeds the pain, the fear, into themselves. One can see the past, but never the future. One has memories, and it is impossible to make a 100% correct prediction.

    It turns out that the past is always brighter than the future, until one takes the past and tosses it forward into the future, though not blindly. One must separate the mistake from the achievement, and toss the best part forward.

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  9. Great and true post. My son suffers from anxiety and it is hard on the family as well. The pain comes from not being able to help. The helpless feeling of not being able to fix the one you love is so painful. Eventually the bad episodes do pass but the anxiety never leaves. Thanks for your perspective. Wishing you the best.

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  10. Iโ€™m coming to realise how anxiety never leaves you simply masquerades as something else. Great post. I choose to connect with others and live in the knowledge that God has given me an Amazing life and journey

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  11. As someone who suffers from horrible, suffocating anxiety on the regular, I enjoyed and related to your post. Describing anxiety as a monster, or personifying it, is something I’ve seen before (and done myself in bits and pieces)–but you took it in a very unique, detailed direction and I appreciate that. I also really enjoyed your sentence structures and the flow of your writing.

    My empty anxiety is debilitating sometimes, which makes me feel like I’m just not a very highly functioning person, which in itself causes a heck of a lot of anxiety. Anxiety may be so strong that it causes me to mistreat my body (not eating enough because I don’t want to upset my already churning stomach, or chain-smoking cigarettes that tighten my already breathless chest).

    One of my healthier ways of dealing with it is to sit down for a moment and list the reasons I may be anxious so I can work on my problems individually, addressing each one with my full attention. Anxiety will take a few little problems and mash them together into one big, monstrous problem. If I can’t break a problem down AND it seems wildly irrational (usually the reason I can’t break it down), I take it and I put it in a place in my head where it doesn’t touch my other, healthier ideas. This practice–putting it in the back of my head to work on other, more realistic or pertinent issues–took me about fifteen years to figure out (I’d say age five to twenty), and some days it just isn’t an option, but it helps a lot if you can manage to make it a skill. Sometimes I sit down for a chat with my anxiety, but if we’re not on speaking terms, I just sit with it and keep breathing.

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