I don’t dream much, I leave all that to Fionnuala, who is a prolific nocturnal storyteller. But last night I dreamt I was a trainee pilot. I turned up at the airport for my first shift to be told I was flying a massive jet to Australia. No pressure, then, although I did have to run around the airport chemists in a crazy rush, purchasing toiletries for this unexpected jaunt to the other side of the world.
The captain and co-pilot were very friendly and welcoming but had been misinformed that I knew what I was doing when, in fact, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING!!! Passengers also were permitted to randomly wander in and out of the cockpit throughout the journey, which did little to abate my already frazzled nerves. It’s fair to say I was facing an uphill battle to make it down under.
Thankfully I took to this jumbo jet flying lark like a duck to water. Turns out I was a natural and, under the watchful eye of the captain, I traversed the globe without a hitch, landing in Perth or Sidney or wherever with the tiniest of bumps. I could even afford a snooze somewhere over the Philippines in a bunk bed outside the cockpit. I’m telling you, this plane had everything. A veritable piece of cake.
Before you could say ‘Stephen just flew to the other side of the world with zero experience or training,’ I was back in Belfast preparing for my next mission, and wracked with guilt and worry. I was a fraud, a fake, a complete and utter charlatan. My Antipodean antics had been a fluke, there was no way I was going to pull that off again without being found out for the shameless imposter I actually was.
Imposter. One who deceives and tricks, who is not who they say they are, and do not belong where they are. It even has a syndrome connected to it, these days. I’ve felt an imposter for most of my life, as if I didn’t belong, I was horribly out of my depth and any moment was going to be caught out and mercilessly mocked. Paraded through the streets in a cart until we reached the stocks where little kids would delight in throwing rotten vegetables at me.
I still feel that at times. As a husband, a father, a leader in the workplace. Scratch beneath the veneer of confidence and you will find nothing. I’m like that image of a swan, gliding serenely along the surface, while underneath I’m paddling furiously to stay afloat. The same applies to my writing, running, everything. It’s all a carefully constructed illusion and the wheels can come off in spectacular fashion at any moment.
Thankfully I have a very supportive family who encourage and support me every step of the way. They pick me up and dust me down whenever I hit a bump in the road. I just have to get up and keep trudging forward, always forward. Every step is a victory over the doubting voice in my head which revels in reminding me I’ll never amount to anything. Or the external voices who whisper and mutter as I pass them by.
I’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay, just as long as I’m palatable to those who matter. For every setback and negative comment there are countless others who are there when I need them. Those who are true to their word and who believe in who I am and my capabilities. These are the people I must, likewise, believe in as well as learning to believe in myself. I’m not an imposter. I’m just me.
Do you suffer from Imposter Syndrome?
Black Thoughts 
I really liked this one, but the look in the mirror was frighteningly real.
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Thank you. Sorry for that
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Fear and Doubt – living unlawfully in your head. Banish them, expel and evict them, the moment they raise their voices, They are the real imposters – not you ! And as you go and enjoy your achievements and successes, enjoy the ride.
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Thank you for the reassuring words 🙂
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If the piloting doesn’t work out, you could always try your hand at writing…
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It’s an option 😂
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Your post are really therapeutic for me. I couldn’t think of anyone who suffers from Impostor syndrome like I do.
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Thank you
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Perhaps there is the makings of another novel somewhere in that dream.
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Who knows lol! How are you getting on with Skelly’s Square?
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I’m enjoying to book, and I’ll give you my thoughts once I’ve finished, which will be shortly.
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Thank you very much Deborah. So pleased to hear you are enjoying it & looking forward to reading your review 😊
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Yes I’ve always had that. No matter how hard I work at my writing I always feel like I don’t deserve any praise.
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Join the club for we are many 🙂
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A few months ago was the first I heard of Imposter Syndrome, while it was being explained to me as something I have. I did not realize there was a community of Imposters! Thank you for sharing.
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Yes, there are many of us on here. Keep in touch 🙂
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Uh… who am I? 😉
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😂😂😂
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I imagine everyone feels like that at least sometimes. If not. They need to share their secret.
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CTT & SS are not the works of imposters 😊
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Darn tootin. 😊 I’ll bet a 6’5” Portuguese tin soldier on it😉
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He sounds vaguely familiar 🙂
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I don’t presume to be someone who “matters” but, in my humble opinion, you’re far more than “palatable”. Keep up the great work!
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Thank you very much kind sir. Your opinion matters to me 😊
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I have seen you are very open about who you are. Sometimes the challenge is to remember who we are in Christ Jesus. I’m thankful God is still working on me to bear that image of Jesus. One day (in glory), it will be fully done.
And am I an imposter? I’m pretty much what you see is what you get.
It’s good to be back in touch with you. What has happened with your book while I’ve been missing?
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Good to hear from you as well. It’s been published! Available to buy now on Amazon in e book & paperback format 🙂
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Praise God! So happy for you.
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Love this!!! Excellent writing for an imposter.
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Thank you 😊
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I really enjoyed this post, probably because I feel the same way sometimes. I think everyone does to some degree. All we can do is rely on our support team (usually family) and just keep going, one foot in front of the other.
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Thank you Jenni. Indeed, there is nothing else for it.
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Thank you for this post! I always have struggled with this. It sounds stupid when I word it out, but I know this is a real struggle
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You are not alone Haelim. I’m glad my words were of some comfort to you.
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Good one!
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Thank you.
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