Suicide – What Do We Do?

Over the last 10 days, 15 young people have taken their own lives in Belfast. There is not a week goes past when I’m on call, that I don’t receive a phone call to inform me there has been another suicide. It has become an epidemic in all our cities and communities, cutting a swathe through our society. And, I for one, feel helpless and don’t know what to do. So when I don’t know what to do, I write.

I wrote a post not long ago where I referred to the suicide of the American poet and author, Sylvia Plath. Suicide affects all echelons of life, money and fame are not the key to a happy, fulfilled existence. Robin Williams anyone? Depression does not discriminate and a 7 figure bank account protects you no more from its clutches than a paper shield on a battlefield. It cares not who it cuts down.

Some say only cowards take their own lives but I don’t buy that. I wouldn’t have the guts to step off that chair, to swallow those pills, to pull the trigger. People in such positions have been driven to the end of their tether, they are at their wits end. To choose to end your life must take a degree of personal courage. To take that final, irrevocable step into whatever you believe in, known or unknown. The decision to end your life is the biggest decision of anyone’s life.

Suicide is painless? I doubt that, for most it is a clean, quick death. They do it to escape from a pain I can’t imagine, a pain which has driven them to this most extreme of solutions. It is the pain they leave behind I struggle to comprehend. The broken lives of those left to pick up the pieces, to try and answer the endless questions that assail them but which all boil down to one simple word – why?

I believe those who take their own lives are not, by and large, selfish people. They are not insensitive, rather so sensitive they were never able to develop the necessary social and emotional armour to cope with the car crash we call life. They have entered a state of mind where they honestly see no other option for them which involves life. They are not thinking rationally, it is a place where fear and pain overrides everything else.

But, let me get one thing straight. Suicide is neither glamorous or romantic. It’s not candlelit baths and rose petals. I’ve been to the scenes. It’s dirty, disturbing and debilitating. It’s finality hits you over the back of the head so hard your teeth rattle and everything changes forever. There is no comeback, no second chance. It’s over. How many would say they regretted their decision if we could only speak to them now?

It’s so many unanswered questions, so many unfulfilled dreams. It’s the fear of a parent when their stroppy teenager throws a temper tantrum and storms off to their room. It’s that homeless person who you saw every day on the daily commute and now, we’ll they’re not about anymore. It’s the out of character comment that you don’t pick up on at the time but then ruminate over after the event. Was that a cry for help?

I don’t have all the answers, actually I don’t have any answers. I read poems and prose from fellow bloggers that hint at unspeakable pain, unmentionable depths of despair and depression which finds them teetering on the brink. I watch as bloggers disappear from WordPress and I wonder what if? I feel useless, helpless, hopeless. For without hope, there is nothing but the abyss, so deep and welcoming.

I don’t know what to do. So I write.

What do we do?

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 15 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

121 thoughts on “Suicide – What Do We Do?

  1. This is one with no good, or at least easy answers. One thing that does immediately come to mind is that the public has to put it’s foot down with people and groups who try to spin everything into the worst interpretation possible. We’re constantly bombarded with messages of gloom and doom by people trying to manipulate us into supporting their causes. Even when the cause is righteous, this tactic is not and it’s taking a very real toll on the psyche of the public.

    I can”t speak for Europe,or Belfast specifically, but here in the U.S. we have a huge political correctness problem in dealing with mental health also. It’s gone from something that was mocked, etc… to calls of don’t judge, it’s prison to make people who are a danger to themselves get help. Here, we’re in desperate need of a compassionate common sense middle ground.

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    1. Being one of those left behind, this post and the comments here touch my heart. When suicide became my family’s reality I felt like we had somehow contracted some highly contagious disease. Nobody wanted to be near us. People we thought were friends would quickly change directions if we saw them in the local shopping centre. Nobody wanted to acknowledge it. Nobody would speak of it. It was as if, if they came too close, it may happen to them.

      A friend was telling me a few days ago that five of his 24 year old son’s friends have committed suicide. Absolutely devastating.

      Yes, there is a lot more open discussion about suicide now, but it’s clearly not enough.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. There is one suicide that haunts me to this day. A patient that I saw and spoke to daily in my job. I still wonder maybe if I had noticed or made an effort to delve beyond pleasantries that perhaps things could have been different.

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  3. My neighbor two houses down took his own life around this time last year. He was a kind and gentle man who always brought a basket of fresh picked strawberries to my kids for their birthdays when they were younger. I saw him a few weeks prior at the local grocery and we briefly spoke. He offered no clue that he was depressed or anything of the sort. When the authorities showed, up after his next door neighbor contacted them out of concern after not answering calls or his door for a few days, despite his car being parked in his driveway, it was a long sorrowful evening with no answers. He left a note, but had written nothing in it pertaining to why he decided to end his life. Our neighborhood was obviously shocked and saddened. Had anyone of us known he was struggling, perhaps he’d still be around today.

    Two years ago, my daughter’s best friend’s father took his life at the age of 52. Matt was a wonderful guy and absolutely cherished his four children. My daughter grew up having sleepovers at her friend’s house for years, and would join them on weekend trips to the beach in the summer months. She was interning for a corporation in Denver when she learned the news, as she was the first person her friend called immediately after finding out. My daughter called me and she was crying hysterically, I’ll never forget that day.

    When I hear of things like this happening to others within my circle of influence, it reminds me to show everyone who I love and care about how important they are in my life, and that I will always be there for them to listen, encourage and love.

    We can make a difference that way.

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  4. Go back to your Fractured Faith, get on your knees and ask God for guidance. The present generation is growing up hopeless and tetherless because the generation that birthed them never got (the fear of God) from their parents. I’ve been writing about this more as I recognize values spinning out of control.

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  5. Thank you Stephen. Careful and compassionate words and thoughts.

    I have lost people over the years, and do agree that it is not cowardly, it is a means to try to end unfathomable pain.

    But, until my beloved, most adored partner of 30 years left me for a woman he met on the dating apps, some years after he had a long term affair with a friend of mine – I really hadn’t fully, personally felt the full impact, the utter despair that the likes of Plath, Williams, etc felt. You really genuinely do feel life will never improve.

    Eighteen months out, the ideation has lessened, and I have clung to every part of life I could grasp, to stay here despite the unbearable pain, for my children.

    Thanks again for a thoughtful, empathetic post.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I began my blog last year in response to the suicide of a dearly beloved friend. Thank you for your words. You say you don’t have answers but your words resonate with truth and compassion.

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  7. When it gets dark, we light a candle. And then we pass it around, so that others might light their own. Our hope is in the feeble flame, and sometimes the cold wind is too strong.
    If we can, we strike a match, or lean towards someone who’s candle is still burning and we try again.
    That is all we can do.
    It is the best we can do, and maybe it’s the whole point.

    My thoughts go out to you; I admire your courage.
    Be well.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. So thoughtfully and compassionately written. I have no answers either but I have lost a friend this way and I know the pain must be horrific to make someone believe this is their only option. I also agree that it’s not cowardly – I wouldn’t have that courage either. I only hope that when life gets too much these poor people get a chance to give their pain to the One who took it on himself on the other side.

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  9. Growing up I was always told that people who commit suicide are selfish, or cowards, etc. It never sat right with me. I’ve only been suicidal once and it was due to the effects of a bad combination of psychiatric medication, but I understand why someone would want to do it.
    I hold off on passing judgment on people. Even though I’m not particularly religious, I do believe that’s one part of the bible we could all benefit from.

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  10. I have always been intrigued by the warriors who committed Hari-Kari. Could I do that? Many years ago a neighboring farmer committed suicide in his barn with a shotgun. He had been diagnosed with a virulent cancer, did not have any health insurance and faced losing his farm due to medical bills. He preserved for his wife and son their source of income. Was that suicide selfish cowardice or unselfish courage?

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    1. So tough. I would definitely say unselfish courage, but you know something? Having lost my dad (not to suicide) I would have given up everything I owned (and he owned) for even a few more months with him. Still….if I were this guy, what would I choose? Probably the same thing. But then there’s that other side of me that says “Maybe if he had told people, they could have helped him find another solution.”

      Liked by 1 person

  11. At most times people don’t want to die..they just want their present circumstances to end..depression is the initial stage which if recognized and treated many suicides can be avoided.
    If each one of us look around and recognize any such sign in the people we know ,who knows we may end up saving a life.
    I had a friend whose mind of committing suicide I had changed by just making her comfortable opening about her issues coz once that’s done solutions can be directed.Easier said than done though.
    It’s sad how many lives are lost and how many relations are left grieving their deaths forever..

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  12. Oh gosh. Suicide is awful and even more so for the one who takes their own life. We need better Healthcare for mental illness. Are you in the Healthcare business that you get called? ((Hugs))

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    1. Jesus

      You are needed! This family has suddenly lost a piece of their heart today. I know we should celebrate that our loved ones that leave us are now with you. Our hearts just don’t have what it takes to let go of something so precious. Pour out your peace, love, wisdom, and grace so much that joy will begin to grow in their hearts. Help them remember the memories they have to hold on to which are now a great treasure. Send Angels out every so often to remind them of this treasure so that the memories of today will not steal their joy.

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  13. My husband’s ex wife, my uncle, and my neighbor have committed suicide. There are no answers. She was educated and successful, my uncle was a raging alcoholic and in physical pain, and my neighbor was a young married man with a baby due in a week. If the legal authorities would treat suicide as a homicide and investigate the medicines they took, the mental medical history, then maybe we could find a common thread.

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  14. Hi. Thanks for following me. Liked your post Suicide – What do we do. I’ve been there, taken an overdose and then immediately regretted it, followed in short by a stomach pump at A&E. What fractured people need, at least in my life is love, understanding and acceptance. Send blessings to those that have past over. Kind Regards Sandy

    Sent from Mail for Windows 10

    ________________________________

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  15. I don’t remember suicide being so prevalent when I was younger. I never knew anyone personally and now I know of many that were personal friends of mine. Everyone deserves compassion and in today’s world, at least where I live, it’s not even shown by the government. This was an incredible piece taking on an incredibly difficult subject.

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  16. This one really caught my attention. Partially because I’ve struggled with suicidalness my whole life. I even seriously considered it this morning. In my case it’s the people that I live with that make me be this way. It doesn’t help the fact that my parents wouldn’t mind if I died. My dear mother would be the happiest.
    Suicide is actually a very brave thing to do. Maybe not the smartest, but brave it is.

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  17. There’s nothing we can do. You can only be there for someone for so long. You can hold their hand for o long and talk to them. I believe these are personal demons that no one can help us out of except ourselves.
    I read posts and magazines and seen pages I follow stop publishing content and I wonder?! We are all fighting personal battles that holding someone’s hand throughout theirs is a task itself.
    I have no answers to this except a peculiar interest on the subject. I believe that suicide victims are the strongest people in the world. To be able to check yourself out of a life you didn’t have choice over existence takes a lot of courage.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I have been thinking about this too. I hear of someone committing suicide every week. I think that people find it hard to get the treatment that they need, it is costly and requires coming into contact with the right mental health professional. Society also views mental illnesses to be created by the person themselves, not an illness that requires treatment just like heart disease or diabetes. To those finding it hard to go on, reach out for help and don’t give up.

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  19. Most young people do not see any future. The Amazon is burning & the ice caps are melting & nobody cares. I hear this from my son all the time. He does not want to marry & have children, he says there is no point. He wants to move to Florida & have a good time while there is still time to have a good time. I don’t blame him, honestly. Although my heart breaks at the thought of no little grandkids to spoil.

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  20. I mentioned a few posts back that I lost my sister fifteen years ago. I do plan to discuss this and let people get to know her through my blog. She was my best friend and I lost her to suicide. It’s a hard road to deal with even fifteen years later. You are correct that suicide effects everyone, all walks of life. Lately I’ve reading some about Anthony Bourdain. Both him and Robin Williams were such bright minds. I have thought about it so much over the years since I lost her. Sometimes I think I understand tidbits of the pain, I just wish I could’ve done more. The what-ifs will bury you alive so I try to allow only so much time to think of them. Thank you for writing on such important subject matter. Sorry to write so much!

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      1. Thank you on all accounts. I don’t think of myself as brave to write of her, but rather it’s simply what I have. I have wonderful memories, but there’s also the hard parts. Life is what it is, if you get to wake up each morning, you just keep on going, keeping your eye on the good things as much as possible.

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  21. Extraordinary and timely post. I pray it makes the difference we need right now. We have an international crisis that needs attention and I just don’t have the answers.

    Many years ago I suffered from clinical depression. Because it was such a foreign experience, I naturally (for me) reached out for help and got an immediate, urgent response, receiving the correct treatment. But, I know I’m an anomaly. I just wish I could reach more with my story and the one change I made was to speak openly and often about my own circumstance.

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  22. The suicide rate in my country is shockingly high. It’s only by luck I didn’t end up in those figures myself.

    For me I was just living constantly with so much pain that I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Living with pain day by day just grinds you down in the end. I just wanted the pain to end. I was sick of living with it, so I decided to end it all to make it all go away.

    I think starting a blog and getting back in touch with my creative side has saved my life by making the pain more bearable.

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  23. PTSD is also a big contributor to suicide. I am a first responder and myself, along with many of my coworkers have experienced some horrendous things. Is it oversensitivity? Not sure, because we see alot more than the average person. I have lost no less than 6 coworkers to suicide. Breaks my heart.

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  24. It does seem to be epidemic. In the past few years my family has experienced two suicides, my 17-year old great nephew and my cousin, and I have also lost several friends and acquaintances. The world will never be the same and is less without them.

    I believe most suicide is due to untreated or under-treated anxiety and depression. We need to have more treatment available and take away some of the stigma for receiving that treatment. Drugs were involved in my great-nephew’s suicide, but I suspect he resorted to them because he was trying to self-medicate for an anxiety disorder. His last day was good. He spent it with my niece, his mother – whom he adored, and pictures from that day show him happy with a gleam in his eye, And yet later that night he ended his life. I’ll miss him every day. Here’s a blog I wrote after his death. I share because I still want people to know him. I suspect you would have liked him.

    https://kimberleymckinney.com/2016/04/30/our-loss/

    A couple of things from reading the comments. Suicide is not brave. Those of you who have gotten mental health treatment and choose to live, you are the brave ones. Please keep telling your stories.

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  25. I volunteer on a well known UK helpline and in my experience there are two main groups of suicidal people; those that genuinely want to end their lives and are in a constant struggle of thinking, planning and attempting suicide but also with help can hangonto life and then there are those where suicidal thoughts emerge from a crisis. Whichever type it is many people decide not to do it once they have spoken to someone, and many users of out service regularly call just to get them through those dark moments. Terms such as brave, selfish etc are meaningless in the context of suicide. When things are at the point of taking your own life the pain is so overwhelming it can block everything else out. Connecting to someone however can let some light in and change the landscape.

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  26. Suicide has touched my life, the life of my family, and the life of my friends. These have been periods in time that we live through and then we must move forward. Often, people want to place blame, to make sense of something that we can’t comprehend, the pain that you spoke about so well.

    It sounds like you deal with suicide on a regular basis through the work you do. That must be very difficult.

    P.S. I read your About page, curious to learn if there was a meaning behind the name of your blog. It sounds self-evident, but also like there is a story behind it.

    Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an easy way to go to your earlier posts. I seem to end up endlessly scrolling. It might just be the way my phone formats your blog. Sigh.

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  27. Thank you. The fact that you even bother on asking the question means a lot. The fact that you try to understand without condemning and judging means a lot, I’m sure your words have resonated with other as they have with me.

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  28. I can’t imagine the burdens of your job and then trying to leave it at the door of your home. That’s a lot.

    Between elementary to college I knew three people who either attempted or thought about it. The youngest was about 11. I’m grateful to say they all are alive today.

    They all spoke to me. Two told me personally that I helped them or stopped them in one way or the other. One had the pills in her hand and knew how sad I would be if she was gone because I talked to her everyday at school. Another was my elementary best friend, we always hung out.

    I know it was only the grace of God He opened up these opportunities to connect to these girls. For me to be so ignorant at the time, I didn’t realize what my friend meant when she said she had the pills in her hand. The same friend who, the first day of high school had cuts over her legs. When I asked about it, she was honest and I just cried for her, which shocked her. She never had anyone cry for her. No one should hurt that badly. But reaching out does so much.

    I’m an oddball. I like deep conversations about weakness especially. And I’m pretty much like that from the get go. Some people, I’m sure, they get turned off, and I always find it funny when it is believers, all the more I want to encourage them more. But others, well, it seems people appreciate someone breaking down that barrier. It allows them to open up.

    This world is all about the surface. Christ teaches me and shows me how I must deep dig. We either share all of our problems in the world or it seems we keep it to ourselves. No balance.

    We are examples. People are always watching and listening. Often I think I’m too busy to show someone I care. Even if it is an email or a quick message on Facebook with a funny picture or card.

    But it means something to someone. So, I try and I want to get better at this. Tbanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you for the great comments. I’m glad your friends are still with us. Often Christians build the highest barriers. They refuse to reveal their true self to us as they want to portray a perfect life. I’ll never understand these people.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, it’s everyone Christian or not. But Christians should understand that weakness is our strength in Christ and that’s why I encourage people to understand weakness. I think when people choose Christ, or maybe they think they have but haven’t, it’s scary when it comes to barriers because that means we have to let go of our control on things. It is very difficult to do. There are perfectionists, believer or not, and this concept of letting go is difficult. Everyone needs encouragement, those with barriers and those without. No one is perfect. People can pretend but they know the truth. And we know we aren’t perfect either. 🙂 I think it is helpful to love the best we can.

        And agreed so glad those girls are still here.

        Liked by 1 person

  29. Thank you for the post, and to the majority of people who left thoughtful responses, thank you as well. I wasn’t going to read it. I’m touchy about suicide. I have three attempts and struggle with ideation a lot of the time. Attempting changes something inside you. Suicide, surviving it changes things too. People look at you, ask you questions that have unfathomable answers, want a promise you can’t give. The selfish accusation that follows suicide and suicide attempts is difficult to deal with, difficult to address. You’ve done it beautifully.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Em, my great nephew wasn’t selfish. I know you aren’t either. Put those accusations aside. They are not helpful, but the words of people who I suspect love you but are frustrated because they don’t know what to say to help you. Leave those words with them to deal with. But you…keep fighting. You are important. Our world needs you. Throw off all of the unhelpful opinions and live a great and wonderful life that you create for yourself. My heart goes out to you and I am cheering for you to not only live, but live magnificently. Hugs.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you. I appreciate hearing those words today; some are more challenging than others. I really like that sentiment, “not only live, but live magnificently”. I will remember it.

        Liked by 2 people

  30. “They are not insensitive, rather so sensitive they were never able to develop the necessary social and emotional armour to cope with the car crash we call life.” This line resonated with me. I’ve had depression for more than half my life, and I deal with suicidal thoughts on an almost daily basis. It’s cool to see that someone who doesn’t struggle with this is capable of understanding. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.

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  31. I literally just talked to a friend and former pastor who was on the scene 2 minutes after a 17-year-old neighbor kid took his life – a kid he’d been sharing the Gospel and his hope in Christ with. He asked himself many of these questions, too. Should I have…? Could I have…?

    As a previously suicidal person, I think that praying for the Lord to invade their lives with the sheer joy of knowing Him is a start. That changed my life. Pray for open eyes. Listen well. Try to help them see that the way out isn’t really a way out – just a way into eternity.

    It’s a hard and difficult question for sure. I’ve known a friend’s brother recently did this to himself, and it ripped a huge, aching hole in their family. I don’t really have answers, but my heart goes out to the suicidal and their families. Have you heard Twenty-One Pilots’ song, “Neon Gravestones?” It’s a good one…

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  32. This post is so moving. The amount suicide deaths are staggering and it is becoming increasingly difficult for people to connect and find meaning in life. There are so many factors whether it be struggling with trauma or struggling with depression, its isolating and debilitating. What’s more, is they suffer in silence. Thank you for posting this, as we need to speak up and speak out more about this!

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  33. It is heartbreaking to hear and even know someone who’s experienced suicide. Mental Health is rising and it can’t be ignored. It’s hard to know the signs. And there is all so much we can do to help. I like what you said, “They never developed the necessary social and emotional armor to deal with the car crash we call life.” This is the key. Which leads me to say, “healthy boundaries” haven’t been developed. There’s so many layers we put on from childhood to adulthood. It becomes hidden from the world, but we know it’s comforts in the dark.
    Eh. I can talk a lot about this topic, but I just hope to help someone see their own value and worth.

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  34. We as a society need to listen to each other. We are talking but not listening to what is being said.
    I tried to commit suicide, sleeping pills. I felt alone, that no one understood what I was going through. That was the start of a long battle of depression, in and out of treatment.
    I have now made myself available for anyone who needs an ear to bend, listen and less talk as the sympathetic ear.

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  35. There are no easy answers, nor quick fixes to this systemic problem. It hurts to my core that those who chose suicide thought it was their only or last option to save themselves, families, friends and cherished loved ones from the pain. Suicide has affected me personally, and my hope is that they are at peace while their families, friends and cherished loved ones try and pick up the pieces.

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  36. Suicide is serious. I’m so glad that I’m here to tell my story. You’re right. Suicide is an act of extreme desperation. At one time, I couldn’t see a way out. I wanted to die. I was sick. But God showed mercy on me. I’m here!!! Thanks for this post.

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  37. The majority of my career has been in healthcare, as a crisis clinician in at least 5 Emergency Departments here in the US (I’m on the east coast). My blog post – http://saleys.photo/2017/11/16/charlie (as it’s very long – hence the link) is about suicide which is also my “why” for deciding to return to school to study Psychology (the phone number at the bottom of the page is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that we have here in the US). I have trained thousands of healthcare professionals about mental health – especially the patients and families we have seen in our Emergency Departments who are in crisis. Some of the members of our healthcare team did not understand why or what leads people to suicide. Our team (the trainers who I worked with) decided that we wanted to let them know this was not so much of an “us / them” mentality – that often, it was a very fine line. In discussing it further we decided to tell our teams what we knew for sure – we told them: “they are us in crisis; we are them without a support system or a job”. It’s always been a bucket list goal to train or speak about mental health issues internationally as I think that as different as cultures sometimes are, when you get to the foundation of who we are – especially as it relates to depression, anxiety and addiction – the issues, feelings and emotions are extremely similar. – Thank you for your great blog post.

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  38. Thank you for posting 💙. This right here is what we do or at least a start. We talk about it. #itsoktotalkaboutit
    I myself am starting to publicly speak in schools on my personal journey with Suicide

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  39. i try to love unconditionally, pray that peace is found and if at all possible tell or show that i love you and that you matter to me that you are worthy at times these very tokens hurt the most but i put it out into the universe its very hard and tremendous fortitude needs to be had be well everyone ❤

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  40. I’m the mother of a suicide survivor. He lives with me and the way back has been a long, hard struggle. I don’t judge and I try not to worry (easier said than done). I don’t think there’s really anything we can do. It’s their decision whether made in haste or pre-planned. He seems to be doing better, but mental illness is a roller coaster and there are no guarantees. Good post.

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  41. Suicide is a slippery slope that so many of us walk to the brink and something always pulls us back, be family, friends or faith. I know that I have been a fighter all of my life and have had many brushes with the Grim Reaper – premature birth was the start with the doctors telling my parents that I wouldn’t live to be a year old – yeah, fooled them, I’m 70 years old and I’m still here (my parents have passed away long ago). Had cancer and all of the treatments that go along with it at 22 years old and survived that, had a stroke at 38 and overcame the debilitating of my memory and some physical things. The crowning blow was an aortal-femoral bypass surgery at 52 – a two year recovery window on that one. Had that surgery in November of 2001 and a heart attack in April of 2002 – lived through that and I think I have more stints in my body than the rules could follow.

    My biggest battle has been on-going depression and being diagnosed with clinical depression. There are days when I don’t want to open my eyes or get out of bed but I keep going and asking myself the question “why?” more often as time goes by. Most of my friends have passed away, my kids are grown and gone and I just celebrated my 40th Wedding Anniversary this past week. My husband is physically impaired and I am the care-giver.

    The only thing that I can say that has kept me going is my faith, I know that I will never be given burdens that I will be unable to carry and soldier on, however, there are times when I am so tired physically and mentally that I just want to lay down and not move again. I’m also losing my sight slowly, which has been the hardest of them all – I was an artist and I can’t do that now – all that I have left is being able to upgrade my screens and keep playing WoW and trying to immerse myself in Azeroth – plus try to write my silly blogs here on WordPress.

    Yes, I have thought about suicide a time or two and had to throw that option out so many times because I care about what might happen to my spouse and the rest of my family. I cling to my beliefs and cling to what is left of my shattered dreams because I know that is what I was meant to do.

    Yes, I have lost many people to suicide and to other things and it does make realize that there is always a small glimmer of hope that life will stop whizzing in my Cheerios. I also worked on a suicide hotline for a few years and I know the pain that the people go through – I know that I can live through my pain and keep going because that is what I am meant to do.

    Sorry, didn’t mean to write a short novel here, I just needed to have the outlet and I hope that it helps someone else that may feel that they have reached the end of their rope. Love you all and I will see you in Azeroth as long as I can.

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  42. As someone who fantasized since childhood about suicide as my emergency exit, finally trying it (unsuccessfully, happily) at age 30. And as someone who was in a relationship with a partner who had the same fantasy, the problem is that one’s life becomes synonymous with pain. What we really want is for the pain to end, but pain and life have become one in our life-view.
    And the issue of what about the ppl we leave behind doesn’t enter our mind once we’ve become engulfed by the pain, because there’s no room for it. Our mental/emotional capacity is so completely compromised.
    What to do? Be as kind as you can be in the midst of your circumstances whenever you have the opportunity. 💗

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  43. I do read your blogs, but after ‘The Abyss’ I thought I should at least comment on this subject to say it is a subject for a blog of my own which is ‘in the queue’ so to speak. In my life of working with the public one-to-one at a time I have met, sadly, a tragic few who ended their own lives, including one close to me. MF.

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  44. WOW! You really get it. Thank you. It has been 4 years since my last (of many) suicides because of that unimaginable excruciating pain in my life. I took 50 Tylenol. For 3 days we did not know if my liver would fail and if I was going to die. The social worker at the hospital got a court order and I was put into a psychiatric hospital. It was the second best thing that could have happened to me. I talked about missing my Mom and Dad, who are in heaven. I talked about the abandonment and total rejection of my daughters and missing them and my grandchildren. I was treated with kindness and gentleness by the staff and other people there talked about their issues and feelings. I had a lot in common with so many others. I had a medication adjustment and I was told the medication I was taking for my bipolar depression did not even go into my bloodstream unless I ate a 400 calorie meal with it. So, it has been four years. Do I get depressed enough to want to end my life? Yes I do. Do I threaten to walk in front of a moving train? Yes I do. But the thing is, I realize how much my husband, brothers and sisters, sons, nieces and nephews, friends and church family love me and need me in their life and I do not want to cause them the same excruciating pain I feel when I miss my Mom and Dad. When I almost died four years ago, I had only been married for two years. When I saw how much I hurt my husband four years ago I promised him I would never try to take my own life again. A very good therapist and loving friends and family have helped me to keep my promise.
    Terri D

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  45. Reblogged this on Terri's Inspirational Blog and commented:
    WOW! You really get it. Thank you. It has been 5 years since my last (of many) suicides because of that unimaginable excruciating pain in my life. I took 50 Tylenol. For 3 days we did not know if my liver would fail and if I was going to die. The social worker at the hospital got a court order and I was put into a psychiatric hospital. It was the second best thing that could have happened to me. ( The best thing that ever happened to me was asking Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior.) .I talked about missing my Mom and Dad, who are in heaven. I talked about the abandonment and total rejection of my daughters and missing them and my grandchildren terribly. I was treated with kindness and gentleness by the staff and other people there talked about their issues and feelings. I had a lot in common with so many others. I had a medication adjustment and I was told the medication I was taking for my bipolar depression did not even go into my bloodstream unless I ate a 400 calorie meal with it. At that time, I was barely eating.
    So, it has been five years. Do I get depressed enough to want to end my life? Yes I do. Do I threaten to walk in front of a moving train? Yes I do. But the thing is, I realize how much my husband, brothers and sisters, sons, nieces and nephews, friends and church family love me and need me in their life and I do not want to cause them the same excruciating pain I feel when I miss my Mom, my Dad my daughters and my grandchildren. When I almost died five years ago, I had only been married for two years. When I saw how much I hurt my husband five years ago I promised him I would never try to take my own life again. A very good therapist and loving friends and family have helped me to keep my promise. And I am grateful to be alive.

    Terri D

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