Some Days There Is Nothing

Posted byFractured Faith BlogPosted inA Fractured FaithTags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Some days there is nothing. Yet, here I am. Maintaining the blog, pursuing my desire to scribble down the jumble of thoughts and prompts which traverse my mind on a never ending spin cycle. Some days I am clear as to what I want to say and how I wish to say it, others I just feel the urge to write and see what words appear upon my screen. Some days I surprise myself, others I am utterly unimpressed.

Some days they flow, a torrent of imagination and creativity. I run alongside, struggling to keep apace. I am amazed at what I’m capable of, hungry to create and connect. Others it is akin to chipping away at a mountain side with a tea spoon. The well is dry and I am a spent force, screaming into the silence. There is nobody there, my message in a bottle drifts aimlessly never to be read by another living soul.

Eyes are closed, backs are turned, yet still I write, I hope, I try and try and try again. The battle with the self is incessant, the voice whispers honey glazed lies with an intensity I struggle to offset. Nobody is listening, nobody cares? You are a laughing stock, they talk and mock as you pass them by. The class clown, court fool and office geek rolled into one concise ball of vanity and self.

The camera never lies, look at what you have become, the voice urges. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee, realise the game is up and you’ve been found out. Walk away while you still can with a shred of dignity intact. You’re a fool, a fraud, a fake. They humour you but now the show must end. They tire of you, the tired routine, the one trick pony who flattered to deceive but has now fizzled out, the dampest of squibs.

The above words are how I feel some days. They only scratch the surface of the thoughts and emotions within me. We all have them, the inadequacy and doubt which often paralyses and chokes the hopes and dreams inside. When you write, you swing and hit, praying for that sweet, sweet connection that sends the ball sailing on it’s lazy, beautiful trajectory out of the park. It’s so simple, so easy, so worthwhile.

Other times it’s swing and miss, three and out, 4th and long, The ball bounces off the rim as the buzzer sounds and the crowd groan in disappointment. They shake their heads, mutter under their breaths and shuffle off, leaving you alone with rejection and failure. That’s how it feels when your writing sucks, when you give it your best shot and nobody’s home. Screaming into the abyss, all you receive in return is a garbled echo.

Do I give up? No, I do not. I keep going, I persevere, I reflect upon the little victories, the small gains that keep me motivated and hopeful. For without hope, there is nothing. I’ll be back here tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I owe it to myself, to those who have stood by me when so many others have turned their backs and walked away. I want to prove them wrong, I want to prove myself right.

Some days there is nothing, but that’s not quite true. For there is always something worth fighting for, a crumb at the table. It’s not much but it’s a start. Or a middle, but never an ending. I write these words this morning knowing that it’s out there, all I need to do is hit publish, throw back the covers and see what happens. This is the path I have chosen, I walk it with hope in my heart. One step at a time. Always forward, never back.

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

83 thoughts on “Some Days There Is Nothing”

  2. Oh shit! Do I know this feeling! I devoured every word of this, and want to say that I connect. No one can know iyr pain except ourselves. No one can know hard we try. Iwish I could say more, but it would take upall the space on your blog. Yes, I conbcet,and I do not turn my back and walk away. I do not reject. I connect

    Like

    Reply

  5. Everything you write will resonate with someone, somewhere, at some time. Absolutely everything. I’m not sure if that helps to quieten the noises in your head, and if it doesn’t, I hope it will eventually. You are a wonderful, natural writer. That’s a gift if you ask me (to you, and to us readers.) Also, I don’t suppose the two people in the world who think you’re a fraud really matter when you look at the many lives your words have touched for the better, hey? Carry on with the words, bloggy friend and fellow human! 🙂 And thanks for sharing your honesty and heart. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  14. Inspirational post. It’s good to know that writers like yourself who have achieved more than I can dream of sometimes have doubts too. Makes me fell like maybe I could just write something/anything again.

    Like

    Reply

  15. Your post is once again, inspirational, pain ridden, and open. Your vulnerability is your strength. You do so much more than slap words on a screen, you transmit hope around the world. Sometimes with a laugh, sometime it hits right in the feels. Don’t stop writing – ever. And tell those doubts to hiss off and find some deep hole to hide in.

    Like

    Reply

  18. I agree with everything that has been said already Stephen. Your words are inspirational and in your vulnerabilty you have done wonders. Please keep going

    Like

    Reply

  20. You write the words my own heart has struggled with. Thank you for putting words to feelings and in the midst of that, offering hope to keep going despite our level of inspiration or what our minds deceptively tell us. 🙂

    Like

    Reply

  22. I face multiple challenges everyday since I got clean but there has not been 1 day that I have given up. When I read what you wrote I could relate in so many ways. Thank you!!

    Like

    Reply

      1. I have a long way to go and so much more to tell, it has been eatong me up inside for so long my first post felt so amazing. Thank you!!

        Like

        Reply

          1. I enjoyed my group sessions at DATS and I was able to get other to talk when nobody else could so If I can help even just 1 person from the torture that would make me feel amazing

            Like

            Reply

  23. Man, I do know these feelings well. I can only dream that my blog numbers one day become a fraction of what yours are, yet to hear that you feel this way as well brings some encouragement to my heart. I really do hope to see you on a bestseller list one day… you have what it takes. For now, keep blogging and writing your stories. People are definitely relating to what you have to say.

    Like

    Reply

  24. That inner judge is alive and well eh? Don’t you wish you could just kick him/her to the curb? I look for your posts because they resonate with me for you often put into words thoughts and feelings I like to avoid. You help me face them. And you give me hope. Again and again you give me hope. And I thank you.

    Like

    Reply

  26. I often feel like this when it comes to my life. That if people saw what was REALLY going on inside they would hate me and I would be found to be so lacking as to be pathetic. I praise you for continuing to blog, even on the worst days. You bring hope, laughter, and joy to so many. You, my friend, are NOT a fraud.

    Like

    Reply

  28. I think you’ve spoken out the heart of many of the bloggers. That’s exactly all of us writers feel…alone at times…craving for comments and interactions and filled with encouraging words at other times but we all move on! Lovely post!

    Like

    Reply

  31. Love the honesty of this post. When I have nothing, I usually withdraw which probably isn’t the best thing to do. Thanks for the encouragement to keep putting it out there!

    Like

    Reply

  34. You are a passionate bringing out an excellent narrative. Introspecting the depth of consciousness is a prolific marvel for you. Anand Bose from Kerala

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  35. write even when there’s nothing to write but your emotions. I just got into doing that moments ago. I started not knowing what to write and ended it not knowing what i’ve written. Atleast, it is still a good release!

    Like

    Reply

  38. 79 coments? I would say this was one that you hit in the sweet spot right out of the park. Great baseball analogy. I can totally relate to this post, Thanks!

    Like

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: