A Shattered Faith

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Yesterday I posted a blog which touched upon a number of negative experiences I have had within the organised church. It was written on the hoof without much forethought or planning. Much of my writing is produced this way, I tend to make it up as I go along. Such writers are known as ‘pantsers.’ I shoot from the hip. Sometimes I hit the bullseye and others I miss my mark, that’s how it is.

I meant every word I wrote and don’t regret what I said. The post remains, I won’t be deleting or editing it. And, as ever, the response from those who commented was largely supportive and understanding. Many sympathised, others wrote of similar experiences. When I write, I always aim to engage and connect with my fellow bloggers. Otherwise what is the point.

All bar one. A woman, who from her comments I believe identifies herself as a Christian, responded to say she viewed my comments as arrogant and unkind. She said I lacked compassion and grace. She said she did not want to criticise me but the entire tone of her lengthy reply was critical. She also threw in a bit of Scripture for good measure. To say I was shocked and disappointed by her passive aggressive stance is an understatement.

Not only did I view her comments as an attack on me, I viewed them as an attack on my wife and kids, who have been treated horrendously at various times by organised church and those within it. I have referred to such experiences in previous posts but don’t wish to dredge them up again. Some hurts are best left buried, sometimes the pain is too much to revisit. The responses of this lady were, at best, ill informed and presumptive.

Having reflected on the matter, I have decided to no longer write about faith issues. This may sound a little contradictory given the name of the blog, but I believe it’s best for all, most importantly my family and my own mental health. I believe in God and the teachings of Jesus but the damage caused by supposed Christians can no longer allow me to engage with such establishments or organisations.

I am far, far from perfect and every day ruminate on my own failings and inadequacies. I am sorry if this disappoints some, you may no longer want to follow the blog after this change in direction. If so, I understand your stance and no hard feelings. I will continue to try and help others through my writing, to encourage and offer hope when there appears to be none. I’ll keep on being me.

I have prayed long and hard regarding a number of issues relating to my family this year. None of them have been answered and with regards one we were delivered a crushing and heart breaking blow which knocked the wind totally from our sails. Thanks to incredible family support we are recovering and picking up the pieces. The church, however, were nowhere to be seen.

Our fractured faith has been shattered in recent times. It is one thing to have prayers unanswered, it’s entirely another to see the complete opposite being delivered and innocent parties having their hopes and dreams blown out of the water. I’ve said my piece, however, and won’t comment any more on the matter. Thank you for taking the time to read the post.

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

110 thoughts on “A Shattered Faith”

  2. I’d have to say I agree with what you’ve written, I’ve experienced the same type of crushing year and a half! But as a pastor. My wife and I lost three children, she had a nervous breakdown and doesn’t know who she is or where she’s at from one day to the next… I’m a cancer patient to boot.
    I spend my days caring for my wife and keeping house in between going to treatment, help I ask myself exactly what that is today! I follow Christ. I’m a Christian, I’ve devoted myself to helping God’s people, but god’s people aren’t devoted to anything but themselves inside organizations of churches.. not one has called, nor offered to help,
    We lost our home September 16th and now reside in a leaking cold tin can of a tiny trailer.
    Faith I have in my lord and savior.
    To hell with the organization called a church to which I’ve spent more years pastoring then my grandchildren have been breathing on this earth.
    Pain, I know personally.
    Heartache, I know personally
    Suffering, I know personally
    Watching my wife suffering from the loss of our children, is unbearable.
    I’m glad you found what you need through family because that’s the way the Lord seen fit for you to find it. He dwells in temples not made with hands and hates religion. Just ask the Pharisees,
    I will keep you in my prayers and your family.
    You shall know the truth, and that truth shall set you free! But only when you apply it…
    Be well my friend the journey has just begun ✝️

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  3. The crazy thing is, I didn’t view that post as anti-organised religion at all! I live in a particularly secular nation, and I saw it as a critique of upper middle class perfection. We all know those keeping up withs…

    I learned long ago not to try, to pretty much ignore. Each to their own. Can’t be arsed working that hard to cultivate a fake image. So, I related, with no religious framework at all. Keep writing Stephen stylz. It works for you (and me, and plenty of others…)

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  4. I haven’t read testerday’s post yet Stephen, but I am about to. I feel exactly the same way you do about churches. Mine and others were the worst when I had cancer, and then went blind and wheelchair bound as a result. I will read your post. I am sad that you will not be making posts about faith any more, but understand why. I prayed to get better from cancer but received blindness and an inability to walk. I could say more but win’t, here. I feel your pain Stephen. I will go read your other post now if my stupid eyesight will let me find it. Much much love to you and your familt ❤️

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      1. You are extremely welcome Stephen. It is goid to be able to say these things even though there are those who will attack us for it. The truth needs to be spoken. Good on you Stephen for doing that

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  5. Sadly I think many of us have had similar experiences with church Stephen. I admit I don’t think mine have been nearly as bad as yours but I get where you’re coming from. I found horsesrcumin’s comment interesting too. Maybe it’s not just the church? Maybe society in general likes to pretend to be shiny happy people these days? I’m glad that at least you have family that you can be real with and get support from. Keep being real on here too. Love your posts. I for one need more real people in my life.

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  6. I am saddened to think you feel the necessity to stop what you do in order that you protect family. What a society we exist in. I can understand though. I have observed that, just as people who begin a comment with ‘Don’t take this the wrong way but …’ are setting out to slate you, those who point out they are Christian then proceed to behave in a most un-Christian way.
    I read shiny happy people and I thought your title was excellent. Right to the point. No messing. So aposite. How can society sit up and take notice if they never read anything that makes them think? Would that tarnish the shine?
    Sadly, too, it’s usually the one negative that has the power to wipe out the fifty positives. The selfish / blinkered / narcissistic are out there waiting to bring others down.
    Please take to heart those who support you, who wish you and your family well, who read your words in the same open-minded way that you commit them to ‘paper’.
    Have a peaceful Sunday. X

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    2. I can’t add anything worthwhile to this post and that of “horsesrcumin” previously posted. I am not religious, but read your blog (And stories) because of your sincerity and way with words. Leave no subject unexamined and continue to enlighten and entertain us.

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  7. It really hurts me to see someone hurting this way, and I feel bad that your local congregation offered no help, prayer or support. I do also beleive that everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what your relationship with Christ is or if it exists. Honestly I would pursue that first, not what the local church did or did not do.

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  8. Stephen, you are an amazingly talented and tireless writer. This space is yours to use in whatever manner you choose. Please don’t let someone’s opinion change your perspective or content. We are all broken and hurting, regardless how we look from the outside. Organized churches become less effective when they act more like a country club and less like a hospital for the hurting. Within the body of believers there are some great people doing wonderful things for the cause of Christ. One of the hardest mental ledgers to balance is when bad things happen to good people. It is hard to keep praying and believing when the answers aren’t what we prefer. I will keep lifting you and your family up in prayer.

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  9. I’ll miss your writing about faith based things, as I can identify with them so much and part of my trauma were exacerbated by church. I completely understand if you would rather stop writing about it, but if you are stopping solely because of this particular reader who messaged you, please don’t let her silence you. Many are experiencing faith based trauma and your voice is important. X

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  10. I agree with JH. It isn’t the same thing but I myself have been publicly dragged over the coals on the internet more times than I can count, and I recently wrote a blog strongly criticising the way in which the industry in which I have worked for 25 years has evolved… and my business has dropped off like a body thrown from a cliff! But I stand by what I say and will not allow the attackers to shut me down… even though it took me years to develop a thick enough skin to be able to take that stance. My childhood education was provided by a Catholic school which ruled by fear and threats, and as a professional intuitive consultant I have been challenged by Christians many times, even having booked and paid for venues cancelled. And yet I talk to God every day of my life, a God I didn’t recognise from my childhood teachings – hence my life-long questioning! I hope you don’t allow one blinkered individual, who doesn’t have the emotional intelligence or courage to think for herself, to shut you up. Yours is a debate that needs to be opened up! Organised religion and a healthy relationship with the God we personally recognise are often not the same thing and do not automatically go hand in hand. The Jesus presented to us in the New Testament took no s**t from anyone and had an answer for everything… and wasn’t his basic message that we can all do the things that he did? PS – I too use my blog to work through some of the things that have hurg or angered me; it is one of the perks of being a writer!

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  11. I have such mixed feelings about churches , so I think I understand a little of where you are coming from. Sometimes it’s just too much. I have attended church almost my entire life, but for the last two years have stepped back and taken a break. Not from my faith of course, but from attending.

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  12. I’m sorry you’ve had such experiences. There is such pain and sorrow when one hopes for, needs something, from others and they are let down. I’m glad to read you did have support though (the family support you mentioned). Continued best wishes for you and yours.

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  13. Shoot. I counted on all your faith based posts for my daily devos 😜

    All joking aside… you know where I stand. I have experienced hurt, but also healing from the church, but it took a lot of courage to walk back through those doors. I learnt to not group everyone in the same boat as those who hurt me and it aided in my healing. For real.

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  14. I can’t speak to much about organized religion either. What I can speak of with 100% assurance is I have a ton of love within and I’m sending it to you and your family and wrapping you all in warmth. Know this🤗

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  15. As a pastor’s wife and faith based writer this saddens me. Not because you’re choosing not to write about faith anymore. But because those churches you’ve had experience with have failed so miserably. The church is meant to live out God’s love, to support those who are hurting and confused, and to lovingly and gently point those in its care to the hard truths of scripture (because there are things that are hard for each of us to hear). Churches house God’s people for a time each week, but that is not all they house. Seekers and pretenders also fill several spots, and even God’s people who are trying fail at times to do the godly thing. I’m sorry this has been your experience and you and your family have been hurt. But your choice to stop writing about faith changes nothing. I will continue to follow your blog because you’re a caring person with something to say. And I pray someone comes alongside you and your family to restore your hope that God’s people can truly be conduits of His love.

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  16. This is very sad to me. I am a Christian and actually have identifies with a lot of issues people face with church and organized religion. As a writer, I go with the nudge, shooting from the hip as you say. Before you give up writing about faith (or anything for that matter) ask yourself, why am I writing this? Is it just for you? Then write. Is it to inspire? Then write. Is it to teach? Then write. To me a writer is successful if they can just reach one person. I guarantee you have. Jesus leaves the 99 to go find the one. Forget the 99 and write for the one. Share your faith, struggles and all.

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  17. I am so sorry that one person had to attack like that. I have had that happen to me. Since I don’t have children to consider I chose to continue to write the same way. Religion can be a touchy topic. Saying something that makes someone question their beliefs can be scary for them. The thing is we all need to have beliefs tested from time to time. I have come to the conclusion that there are some people who need pat answers and the questioning that doubt brings is frightening. We each have to find our own path. Unfortunately, church is make up of people and we are flawed. Participating in any group can cause issues. Do what works for you and your family. I love your posts and will continue to read!

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  18. I’m sorry too that one person can write something that can destroy another…I loved your faith based writing as it was real, and genuine, and from the heart. It spoke of the pain of this life and the way that God somehow is still there inthe brokenness. It spoke to me. But it’s your blog and you can write what pleases and satisfies and fulfills you. I’ll still be popping in. And bollox to whoever it was that didn’t have the empathy and understanding and love that Christ asks of us.

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  20. I think, the issue is less with the woman identifying herself as Christian, and more of her “Well, i’m a better follower, devotee, Christian, person than you are”. That’s some truly fractured faith there – that someone needs t tear someone else down to feel better about themselves.
    Write what you will, as you will, and know that it’s your words and ideas that are important – not someone having a hissy fit.

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      1. Hi Stephen & Fionnuala Black,

        I did read her comment, and I hope that she would stick around to learn from us here, and then she will have the chance to reconsider her position and change for the better. Take care.

        May you find this autumn very much to your liking and highly conducive to your writing, thinking and healing!

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        1. I read it. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. I think it might be the other way around – not everyone is out to “get” anyone else. The saddest thing to me is that you’re pushing on, and writing, and putting your head up over the trenches (as it were) and someone just had to take a shot…

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  21. I just read this post and scrolled to find some others where you describe your thoughts concerning faith & followers. You are so very normal. In fact, your expressions of shatterings and fractures describes you as the average believer. The only difference I can detect is most of us, holding the shield of faith, are often not as honest as you are. Scripture is full of fathers and mothers of the faith who swam in these waters. Most all biblical characters had to struggle in belief. You and I are no different. Unfortunately I know all too well the “Grace Killers” out there. (Chuck Swindoll’s title for them.). I will miss your jots on your journey of faith, but I also understand it. However, as one who has twisted his ankles on this road a few times, I predict you will once again express your beliefs in our broken world. Nevertheless, God’s grip. – Alan

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  22. I just finished your article from yesterday. I’m sorry that one bearing the moniker of Christian would thumb their nose at someone sharing about there struggles with organized religion. Then again, you’re in great company. The only times Jesus ever got pissed off involved his anger at religious folks. Believe me, you and your family are not alone when it comes negative religious experience, or more accurately, religious abuse.

    One of the things that brought me to your site was the name, Fractured Faith. I can identify with that all too well. I appreciate your authenticity and honesty – something I often fail to find in church. I understand why one would choose to be less vulnerable when it comes to spirituality. Church folks can be most cruel and condescending. However, I hope you continue sharing your faith journey. There are so many on the same path and your words help us each along.

    I found a relationship with God through a recovery program rather than church. I think I was so relieved to be in a place where I could hear God and mother***** in the same sentence (and there were no lightning strikes and nobody went to hell…). I needed to be shown that I didn’t have to drive an new SUV, live in the suburbs, and have 2.5 children to be a follower of Jesus. I have a loving, forgiving, and unbelievably gracious God in my life today. My faith is still fractured but I’m on the road to wholeness and healing. People like you, who share their struggles remind me I’m on the right path.

    Whatever you post, I’m sure I’ll enjoy. I appreciate you and your family. Know that our little community appreciates you. Keep up the good work.

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  23. I encourage you to keep sharing about issues of faith and your faith journey. We live in a fallen world and live in fallen ways and thus need all the mercy and grace each of us can give to one another. In such giving, we can see God and share God. It is in the broken places that God is most evident. I read your post yesterday and saw myself in both your shoes and in the shiny people’s. I was at once affirmed by your feelings and convicted. Such is our walk. God is not confined to our “holy places.” May you find strength and peace and joy in your journey today, Stephen.

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  24. I’m sorry you had to experience unkind and unsympathetic comments. I am continually surprised at how modern Christianity can speak so unkindly, so lacking in sympathy and understanding, and then be shocked at how the Church fades further and further into irrelevance in the modern world. I go to church, but my secular friends would never treat me in the way some of my “brothers and sisters in Christ” have treated me. I’m sorry that happened to you.

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  25. I hope you and your family can celebrate a swift recovery. sorry, but I have not been visiting WordPress very often of late so I am unaware of what challenges you all have faced. However, I will be praying for you and yours and look forward, as always, to reading your posts. God bless you and your family.

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  26. I get it. I do, but don’t compromise yourself for one reader. Stand by your convictions, lessons, and struggles. Shout them from the mountain top—or from a blog post. We’re reading. We’re in the trenches with you. I promise.

    You, as a person who knows God and yet struggles with organized religion (as do I) have an amazing ability to reach others who are not sitting in those pews and yet love Jesus. Your words matter, Stephen, even when they don’t line up with someone else’s ideas of where they think *you* should be.

    Be bold for your kids. Say what you want to say as an example for them to stand in the storm and weather it well.

    Regardless, of what you ultimately do, I will continue to read because I genuinely love your heart and mind that you pour out on to paper each day (I still don’t know how you have so much to contribute to the word in word each day!)

    Wishing I could wrap you and your family up in a great big hug!

    Karyn

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  27. What a powerful message you have just delivered. It is so important for Christians to be mindful of their words and actions, and really followers of Christ should be sharing love, you know, totally.

    I’m sorry for the bummer experience, but am sending a virtual hug and love. I love your writing, please stick with it! The Bomb Girl is the bomb, and I’m committed to your writings of faith, however fractured they may be. May the good Lord bless you and keep you always.

    (Thank you for being here. 💞)

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  28. Organized religion is a difficult subject; it’s always going to ruffle feathers. It should ruffle feathers. Anytime you have a religion that has become organized and formatted, you lose the relationships and the intimacy. And of course you can swing too far the other way and become so relational you lose the tenets of doctrine. It’s a hard balance, and as imperfect humans we often fail spectacularly.

    When we fail, we wound each other. Part of that failure involves the inability to realize that we’re supposed to be imperfect humans, and that the goal of life isn’t organized religion; it’s the hope of the Gospel that we can bring to one another. Religion that is man made blinds us to our own needs, and the needs of the least among us. There is a “true religion” that is listed in the book of James, but it’s about caring for the widows and orphans and love; it’s not about being a “shiny happy person” as you so eloquently put it.

    Shattered lives are traumatic in individual ways, and no one can tell you how to heal from that trauma. We’re all different. We all react and we all fall apart in unique ways. Two years ago I thought I was going to get an answered prayer. I didn’t. Instead, my entire existence, my life as I had known it for the past 33 years, ended. I lost every particle of hope within my soul.

    My journey back to my faith was particular to me. It’s not over yet, either. You have every right to not talk about your faith journey anymore; you owe no one anything. And for the situation that has so shattered your family, I am truly and deeply sorry. I wish I could help. Please know that even though it may seem like it, you are not alone. You have reached so many people with your words on this blog, and we are standing with you. Whether or not you choose to write religious articles has nothing to with it; we stand with you because that is what happens when you are someone’s friend. My email is always open to you and your family if I can ever do anything else.

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  30. I enjoy your blog and thought I was following you but I guess you were among those I lost. Your blog is YOUR blog and a way to express yourself. Any differences in opinion should be presented respectfully. My thoughts on organized religion are faith exists in the heart and not in a building. And those that prefer organized religion, that’s their choice, and so it goes…

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  31. Although I have nothing to do with organized religion, I could relate to that which you wrote about and I for one will miss your faith based blogs, but protecting your family is paramount. Regardless of which direction you chose to go and what you chose to write about, I will remain a huge fan.

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  32. “Fractured Faith” aptly sums up exactly how I have felt and I would like to encourage you to NOT allow anyone to stop you from writing and sharing what is in your heart. Your words have so resonated with me (and evidently others). Please continue writing about faith or anything else you darn well please! Too many times in my life I allowed others to discourage me and I ended up not living to the fullest the life that I had wanted to live. Now, now I am finally finding my voice to speak up. Speak your own truth and if others don’t like it then. . .others need to just extend the compassion and grace to you they babble on about! I look forward to reading your next blog whether it’s about faith or whatever. Write on, friend.

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      1. I would like to to read your book. Please let me know the title and your author’s name. Is it available on Kindle? I certainly would like to read it. We writers need to encourage and support each other in our creative endeavors. I might would like to buy it in paperback. I tend to enjoy books more in paperback rather than Kindle. I am rather old-fashioned in that regard. Either way, I would like to read it.

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        1. Hi Jenny. Yes, it’s available to buy in paperback on Amazon and also as a e book on Kindle. It’s titled ‘The Kirkwood Scott Chronicles: Skelly’s Square,’ and my name is Stephen Black. Thank you very much for showing an interest in my writing 😊

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          1. You’re welcome, Stephen. It will take a bit of time but I plan to read it and I will probably post my review of it on Amazon if that is okay with you. I reviewed Charles Heath’s book “One Last Look” on Amazon, Charles is a WordPress blogger as well. Perhaps you can review my poetry book, and post your review on Amazon Kindle. Thank you in advance. Goodreads is also an excellent place to promote our writing.

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  33. I only attend church for the human support. Every church will have a different vibe. But as for my personal thinking, no religious person can interfere. I can’t really call myself a Christian necessarily because I’m still an agnostic about God and the supernatural. Personally I don’t care for Twelve Step groups either due to bad experiences there. IMO every spiritual organization is equally bad and no substitute for a good education. So more power to you for avoiding the whole game. 🙂

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  34. My dear dear friend I am sad to hear about people mistreating you and your family from the Church. People are imperfect and will always let you down eventually. But as you’ve seen, God can come through in big ways and small. If the church is not for you now, no biggie. I’m sad you will no longer be writing about faith but completely understand why. I know I live super far away but please accept all my love, compassion, and hugs as you and the family are going through whatever you are going through. My hubs and I love you all 💜

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  36. I think there’s not much I can add to what’s already been said. I have to especially agree with Liz that a person who has to tear you down has problems of their own. Most likely insecure about her own faith and worth so she has to bolster herself by attacking you.

    All I’ll say is I can relate. Life has kicked me in the teeth repeatedly. Whatever you write about, I’ll still read your blog also. Genuinely good people seem depressingly rare anymore. Keep faith too, even if you walk away from organized religion. Better things are hopefully ahead, eventually.

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  39. I would like to let you know I shall continue to follow your blog as I feel that you are as genuine as they come.
    I prefer honesty and integrity over anything and you have that in abundance

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  41. Stephen- I am greatly saddened by your post and that you won’t talk about your faith anymore. Isn’t that one of the purposes of your blog? I love your updates, stories and hearing about your writing journey. Don’t let one negative comment derail you from your message. I had read a devotional the other day about Nehemiah and all the attacks he had from Sanballat and the others. It said basically to ignore those comments and move on. There are things we can learn from helpful feedback but criticism needs to be just tossed out.

    I am also deeply saddened about how the churches you and your family have attended and not received a warm welcome. I have worked in the church, earlier career, and been a long-time member and volunteer. Visitors say that our church is friendly. We don’t judge people based on their race, age, etc. We love on them and truly help them where they are at and help them grow in their relationship with God and Jesus. There are churches out there with loving Christians in them. With that said, I just reconnected with an old friend of mine who is a Pastor in Ireland today. I haven’t heard from this guy for 35 years when we worked at camp together! Unfortunately, his church is in Roscommon, which is over 3 hours from you. Anyway, he said that he could give some recommendations on churches near you but would need to know the area you are in since Belfast is so big. If you can send me a personal message, then I can reach out to him again. If this isn’t an interest to you right now, that is fine. Let me know if you change your mind.

    Praying for you, your family and your faith journey!
    Cindy

    PS Sorry I haven’t caught up with your blog in awhile. Trying to keep up with the FT job, blogging and writing a book is keeping me busy.

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  42. My personal opinion is that everyone should be allowed to follow their faith however they choose. I myself do not believe in God as such, but I respect everyone’s choice. I enjoy your blog even though I am not a Christian.
    I agree with one of the earlier comments on this post, about the person who attacked you having issues themselves. I believe that only insecure people attack others online because THEY are the ones with issues – whether it be religious or otherwise. So it comes down to, don’t let one insecure, nasty piece of work, ruin anything. Don’t change for one person. You have the rest of us behind you and supporting you, what ever you choose to do. The nasty few are not worth it! Keep up the good work! : )

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  43. It makes me sad that such a heartless person can overall affect someone as kind hearted as you. In Church we do have a lot of people who seems like they are just there to criticize but what I can say is that, people who often think they are good and “godly” are those that aren’t really. I believe that God chooses those who are “broken” and “shattered” for He will be the one who will complete us. Shame on that lady. Nobody should criticize anyone because heck, who are we anyway? Everybody has their own ups and downs (for me it’s most likely the latter) but that’s what makes us need Him more.

    I hope you continue with your prayers regarding your family I’m sure God moves without us knowing. I shall be praying for you and your family as well.

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  44. hi dear blogger, I understand the feelings when certain experiences are lived in environments that should offer welcome and understanding because I too have sadly passed away, and it was shocking. I studied theology and that’s where I met among the worst people, destroyers of Truth and Revelation, manipulators, I thought with my head and you can imagine that it wasn’t going well. Then I worked as a secretary in the theological faculty, with passion and dedication but they kill you inside, and once you get rid of false Christians they are persecution even afterwards. If you believe, you must not abandon yourself because they attack you, perhaps it is the consequence of our search for Truth and God. There are also better ways to communicate and save oneself from vipers as there are ways that make everything and everyone worse. Criticizing is wrong. Attacking or offending is wrong. But hiding the Truth is very wrong, with the right communication we can share the experience shown by Jesus Christ. Moreover never waited expectations in people just because they say they believe, they say they are communities etc. etc .. If you have to rely on someone, that’s God and yourself
    choose the people to deal with certain topics and those to avoid
    we can always talk about it again

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  45. I am so sorry you had this experience. There is no easy answer and I support your decision 100 percent. l send the best to you and your family and I will continue to read your blog.

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