I’m easily distracted at the best of times but when the OCD hits it’s hard to maintain focus and concentration when it’s seductive, velvety, barbed wire tones insist you drop everything and succumb to the latest intrusive thought fluttering onto your mindscape. As innocent as an autumn leaf drifting in the breeze, as deadly as a hand grenade lobbed into a crowded room. It explodes and your world changes. Forever.
You don’t want to go there, yet you must. Like a persistent child tugging at their parent’s wrist you capitulate to the thought for, otherwise, it will occupy your every waking thought. It will niggle you at first, but then grow in stature and volume until it consumes you whole. You stand on the brink, staring into the darkness below. You know what lies ahead but you jump in, feet first anyway. Rational thought deserts you when you most need it.
The rabbit hole is deep and dark and deadly. It does not recognise human concepts such as time nor distance. There are no rules or boundaries, it does not pander to such petty restrictions. It is an unchained beast, rampaging unchallenged through the subconscious, feasting where it wishes. Many have tried to tame it and fallen, crushed beneath this behemoth of chaos. It does not care, you are it’s plaything, to toy with as it sees fit.
I’m a survivor. I’ve crawled from the rabbit hole many times now, battered and bruised, but somehow intact. I am an ageing Alice and I bear the scars to illustrate my tale. They map out what was and what is. I know it’s tortuous tunnels, full of dead ends and wrong turns. I’ve spent many years, lost within its slick black depths. I’ve bettered it, bartered with it, been battered by it. I stand alone, victorious. Until the next time that is…for there’s always a next time.