I have OCD and I’m not in control. There, I’ve said it, that wasn’t so hard was it? Even a few years ago, I would have veered clear of ‘outing’ myself and identifying with the mental illness. It was embarrassing, shameful and humiliating. But the longer I’ve walked this path, I’ve realised I have a responsibility to talk about OCD and share my experiences of this horrific, yet so misunderstood, disorder. It’s a curse but one I can help battle through the gift of writing.
Many people still associate OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) with being a ‘clean freak,’ someone who is fixated with cleanliness and germs. Yes, this is an aspect of the illness which affects some but it’s like saying you can only get cancer in your lungs. It’s a shallow, lazy interpretation of a multi-headed beast which can be as easy to label as herding cats. How can you be expected to explain to others what you can barely explain yourself?
Take my OCD. It doesn’t involve washing hands or scrubbing floors. Fionnuala would probably be delighted if the latter was the case. There is no outward manifestation to it. Instead it lurks within, polluting my mind. Imagine dropping a thimble full of black ink into a swimming pool. Watching it spread throughout the water, colouring and distorting it. That’s an obsessive thought entering the mind. It spreads, occupies and contaminates until it possesses your every waking thought.
That thought can be anything. The more disgusting and outrageous the better. It’s entire purpose is to nibble and niggle at your conscience, tricking you into believing that you are a truly horrible human being. It will grow and breed until you can think about nothing else, you are sidetracked and derailed. On the surface all might appear calm, but beneath the waters you are kicking and screaming, drowning in the obsession. The only escape is to indulge the compulsive act.
With me this usually involved a complicated mental routine that I would perform in my head a pre-determined number of times. If I did not perform it perfectly then I would have to start all over again. I would have to drop everything else and focus all my attention on this draining and distressing act, often hiding from the outside world until I was satisfied I had perfected the routine and therefore rid my mind of the obsessive thought. Until it re-emerged again moments later, bigger and badder than ever.
Now, tell me, where is the control in that? Imagine having your day all planned out when such a thought enters your mind, convincing you that you’re a disgusting, disturbed deviant. The only way to alleviate the anguish is to shut yourself off from the outside world and wage an internal war against the slippiest of foes. A brutal, toe-to-toe conflict against an enemy with limitless time and resources. While your outside existence slips down the drain.
You don’t control the OCD, the OCD controls you. It has you in a chokehold from which there is no escape. The compulsive act offers only temporary release and in fact feeds and facilitates the next wave of obsessive thoughts. It is a false ally, a smiling assassin, promising relief while actually dragging you deeper into its pit of despair. You are tossed about like a paper boat on a storm lashed ocean. There is no control, the life of an OCD sufferer is at the whim and fancy of its demonic master.
So the next time you laugh at an ‘OCD meme’ or make that ‘Oh, I’m so OCD’ comment while playfully rolling your eyes, think on. It is a silent killer, the third most prevalent mental disorder in the world according to the World Health Organisation. It debilitates and destroys lives. Would you say ‘Oh I’ve a bit of cancer?’ No, I thought not. You’re either OCD or you’re not. For your sake, I pray it’s the latter.
Black Thoughts 
Love the analogy with “thimble full of black ink.” That is so “on point!”
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Thank you 😊
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Nicely written, as always, Stephen. I guess the key question then is how does one, or did you, manage to gain some control over it?
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Yes, I did. Through medication, being more open about it and other changes to my life.
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Thank you for sharing your honest experience with OCD. You’re right in saying OCD is not only about being a clean freak. I thought I was a horrible human being for being consumed with thoughts that were uncontrollable. In talking with a psychiatrist, I realized that it’s an illness and not a personal flaw. Mental illness is so stigmatized and saying you have it is a big shameful thing.
I really enjoyed reading your post!
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It must be a living nightmare for those suffering from this horrendous condition.
It’s good that you’re helping people to try to understand the full implications of it.
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Thank you for understanding 🙂
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Your honesty coupled with your imagery make for a eye-opening explanation of the beast within. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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You’re welcome. Thank you for reading.
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One of my pet peeves are when people say: “I’m so OCD” as they straighten a picture frame and go on with their incredibly normal life. I have recommended your book “Skully’s Square” to quite a few of people who’ve done that. It sure opened my eyes to the horrors one must battle with everyday.
I’m glad that your writing has been so healing for you, and that you’re using it to be a voice for those who face this monster daily.
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Thank you. I’m honoured that you would do that. You’re very kind 🙂
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Here in America, we can stream old episodes of the Belgian TV crime show, “Professor T.” on public television. Until I began following your blog a couple of years ago, I knew next to nothing about OCD. Not to blur the lines between the pain of your actual life and a television show with an OCD character, however, I believe I was able to understand that show on a whole other level because I had learned so much about OCD from you and your blog. I was thinking about you the whole time I was streaming it.
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Thank you very much. That’s very kind of you to do so. Have you read ‘Skelly’s Square’ yet?
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Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know little about OCD so thank you, this will help me be more informed of how it can affect people, to better help me know things that may help. For the better part of fifteen years I’ve struggled with depression. I liken my experience to being in a hole with no way to climb out. No ladders, no ramp up. Through consistent support of family, friends, and God I’ve been working on it and still am.
Kia kaha to you. (Stay strong.) 🙂
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Thank you Hamish. I refer to an abyss. Have you read my book, ‘Skelly’s Square’ yet. It expands on all the themes I write about within a fictional setting.
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Thank you. My dad was diagnosed with this. His manifests in not being very flexible. Everything must be done at said time. He will be 90 and seems to be a little more flexible.
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Yes. It can manifest itself in so many different ways.
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Shared on FB
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Thank you 😊
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You’re smiling in front of everyone and nobody knows there’s gunfire going off in your head. You’re a brilliant writer. Thank you for writing.
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Thank you very much. Feel free to check out my book. The main character has OCD and is loosely based on me.
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Such a powerful and eye-opening post, Stephen. I learn some new things from this because I didn’t realize just how deep OCD runs. I also didn’t realize that negative self-talk was a characteristic of it. Thank you so much!
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Thank you Cherie. Feel free to check out my book, ‘Skelly’s Square’ where I explore OCD on a much larger scale within a fictional setting 😊
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I sure will, Stephen! Thank you so much! ❤
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Thank you 😊
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Unfortunately for me, I was Dx’d w/OCD at 19. Probably had it way earlier than that. Mine extends far beyond just fears of contamination. I have intrusive thoughts, fears of acting out reprehensible behaviors I’d never do, it’s crazy. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone….
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Nor me. One day please read ‘Skelly’s Square.’ It’s the nearest I’ve ever come to describing mine.
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I will, I promise you that. ❤️
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Thank you 😊
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Thank you for this very candid post. I know people who struggle and when it is an ‘invisible’ disability, people tend to think there is nothing going on, and the people who are suffering don’t know others are fighting the same battle. Mental health is so fragile.
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You’re very welcome. Thank you. Feel free to check out my book, ‘Skelly’s Square,’ where I write more extensively about OCD, but within a fictional setting 🙂
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I think I’m moderately OCD. I hate it when it hits too.
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Hi Kat, sorry I can’t stop myself from replying. If this is the case then you must re-read and get used to the point… you cannot ‘be’ OCD, a little bit, moderately, or massively. You may have a mild case of our mental illness which is called OCD.
Once you get your head around it, you’ll be correcting people too! I promise you 🙏
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Thank you Kat. I hope it never becomes more serious.
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Stephen, this is a great informative article. Not only well written but beautifully conveyed. The darkness even churned ‘my’ stomach, and I’ve been in the battle for many years. Loving the imagery. Blessings to you 🙏
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Thank you very much. Very kind of you to say 🙂
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I love this!! So accurate! A trainer I once worked with explained OCD this way to make us understand. If you like to vacuum your carpet a certain way and have no lines, you are persnickety. If you can’t leave your house because the lines aren’t all facing the same way and you are convinced that if you don’t fix it, your cat is going to die, that is OCD.
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Great post.
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Thank you Amanda 🙂
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