Demons And The Dull

It’s rained all week. Dank, dull and dreary. The rain has descended in icy sheets across the Northern Irish landscape and I battle through it on the daily commute to and from work. My head is down, shoulders clenched, I think of nothing but making it to the dry, warm confines of the office. This is August but it feels like November. For once, the pandemic is not the primary source of conversation. Us Irish love to complain about the weather.

It’s dull. Both literally and metaphorically. My senses are stymied. I have a recurring tension headache over my eyebrows and I couldn’t get heated up last night. Christmas seems an eternity away and I’m grateful for the coming Bank Holiday Monday and a three day weekend. I need time to recharge my batteries and replenish my strength. There are blogs and books to write. I need to be sharp, fresh, creative. Dullness is not an option.

Yet, sometimes I need to be dull. When the beast inside raises its ugly head and sniffs an opportunity to rise and wreak havoc within my carefully constructed life. I’ve rebuilt from ruins and it would like nothing better than to reduce my hopes and dreams to rubble again. I need to turn the volume down, to dull the thoughts. Drive them underground, for otherwise they will overpower and consume me. I need to take my medicine like a good boy and dull the pain.

Light and darkness. I exist in both, craving the former but occasionally retreating into the latter for the purposes of self-preservation. I refuse to hide, to cower away from my old enemy, yet now and then a tactical retreat is required. I’ve learnt from bitter experience that going toe-to-toe with my demons will result in defeat. I need to fight clever and catch them in the long grass. For this is a war of attrition, with no ceasefire in sight. Today I need to be dull.

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

26 thoughts on “Demons And The Dull

  1. Preserve, replenish, retreat if necessary. But never give up. Never give in. Know that this temporary respite is necessary and will result in a stronger, more focused you! Your self-awareness and ability to communicate it to others is remarkable.

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  2. I’m feeling slightly guilty now that I’ve been able to get out walking (to nearly 3,000m or 10,000ft) in just a tee shirt! But we are due a few days of rain. It’s much needed here too, as a pond which is normally quite full was as good as dry the other day – you could walk across it. The poor tadpoles were having to squeeze together in what little water remained between the stones. They, or their parents, somehow survive being under 3ft of snow in the winter and then they get baked in the sun! It’s a tough life for sure.

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  3. Sometimes I welcome these types of days; in bad weather my overgrown garden knows not to call my name, I have something in the crockpot smelling good, a book (my constant companion), my blanket and a chocolatey treat or two to pass the time. Of course, I just recently retired so this is now an option LOL.

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  4. Beautiful atmosphere, thank you for sharing it, can practically feel a cold drip going down the back of my neck. (I’m in Northern California, and very jealous of your rain!)

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  5. Sometimes rain clouds seem to follow us everywhere while those demons are chasing us. The best defence is an umbrella the same colour as everyone else so we can move through the grey and find shelter.

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