When the demons talk it’s important that you also talk. Not to them, for that feeds their fury, but to those around who are willing to listen and support you through these awful times. For years I tried to fight back, waging a lone battle against the incessant, draining voice in my head that sought to control and ultimately destroy my life. I only grew more tired and desperate, while it grew stronger and more vociferous. There was no end in sight to the torment.
OCD seeks to isolate. It makes you feel that you are beyond help and marooned on an island of despair with no hope of rescue. It cuts off all escape routes and throws you into a pit of desolation. It builds a wall around you, an impenetrable barrier from which there is no hope of rescue. I was alone and without hope and when you lose hope you are truly at the bottom of the pit. OCD dominates, it deceives and it destroys all you ever held dear to you.
I never thought for a second of discussing it with anyone or imagining that there were others, many others, going through the same hellish existence. For nobody else could be so strange, so depraved. I was unique, an abomination and to make myself known to others was surely a one way, express ticket to a padded cell and straitjacket. Instead I turned inward to alcohol and other negative coping mechanisms. I was eating myself from the inside out.
The penny finally dropped or was thrust upon me. It has been a hard, frustrating road at times for both myself and those around me. But progress has been made. The beast within is not slain, it will never truly be subdued, but it now lies largely dormant. It feeds off scraps now whereas before it gorged itself until it lay bloated and sated, mocking the drained, arid husk I had become. Exposing it to others was akin to exposing a vampire to sunlight. I had discovered its Achilles heel.
We all have demons stalking the corridors of our minds, taunting and probing at our various defences. They will not cease, they cannot stop for we are their everything. Without us they cannot exist which drives them on to new heights, or rather depths. Be brave, break out and speak the truth. Speak to others and seek the help you need to turn the tables and gather the weapons you need to fight back and find the freedom you deserve. I did and so can you. You must.