Talking To Demons

When the demons talk it’s important that you also talk. Not to them, for that feeds their fury, but to those around who are willing to listen and support you through these awful times. For years I tried to fight back, waging a lone battle against the incessant, draining voice in my head that sought to control and ultimately destroy my life. I only grew more tired and desperate, while it grew stronger and more vociferous. There was no end in sight to the torment.

OCD seeks to isolate. It makes you feel that you are beyond help and marooned on an island of despair with no hope of rescue. It cuts off all escape routes and throws you into a pit of desolation. It builds a wall around you, an impenetrable barrier from which there is no hope of rescue. I was alone and without hope and when you lose hope you are truly at the bottom of the pit. OCD dominates, it deceives and it destroys all you ever held dear to you.

I never thought for a second of discussing it with anyone or imagining that there were others, many others, going through the same hellish existence. For nobody else could be so strange, so depraved. I was unique, an abomination and to make myself known to others was surely a one way, express ticket to a padded cell and straitjacket. Instead I turned inward to alcohol and other negative coping mechanisms. I was eating myself from the inside out.

The penny finally dropped or was thrust upon me. It has been a hard, frustrating road at times for both myself and those around me. But progress has been made. The beast within is not slain, it will never truly be subdued, but it now lies largely dormant. It feeds off scraps now whereas before it gorged itself until it lay bloated and sated, mocking the drained, arid husk I had become. Exposing it to others was akin to exposing a vampire to sunlight. I had discovered its Achilles heel.

We all have demons stalking the corridors of our minds, taunting and probing at our various defences. They will not cease, they cannot stop for we are their everything. Without us they cannot exist which drives them on to new heights, or rather depths. Be brave, break out and speak the truth. Speak to others and seek the help you need to turn the tables and gather the weapons you need to fight back and find the freedom you deserve. I did and so can you. You must.

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

17 thoughts on “Talking To Demons

  1. St. Padre Pio said “Have courage and do not fear the assaults of the Devil. Remember this forever; it is a healthy sign if the devil shouts and roars around your conscience, since this shows that he is not inside your will.”
    The internal discourse we encounter can be exhausting! I take consolation in my faith and the love and support of family and friends. Much peace to you, Stephen. Keep fighting the good fight.

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  2. This is quite powerful and I love the picture you posted because that is what it feels like sometimes when I just want to go to sleep. I’m glad you shared and that you are here. You are most definitely NOT alone. I’m also glad your family has been such a support to you. That is always a blessing. Wishing you peace today in all you do. You are a good person Mr. Black and don’t you ever forget it!

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  3. You do such a good job of explaining what it feels like to have those voices! I have memories of an eating disorder decades ago, before anyone talked about those things, and being convinced I was the only one who struggled with those thoughts and the ensuing unhealthy actions. What saved me was (as you say) SPEAKING THE TRUTH, about who I am in Christ, no matter what the voices or my emotions tell me. Since guilt feelings perpetuated the cycle, I was freed when I started believing what GOD says about forgiveness, instead of waiting until I FELT forgiven to believe that I was.

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  4. You are right. Talking back to the conditions can be very empowering. I wrote a letter to my anxiety, Depression, PMDD, and BDD. I have been thinking about turning the letter into a blog post, but I haven’t decided yet.

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  5. No matter what we are not alone. Some days can feel like we are in a hole a thousand kilometres deep, and the space is only one person wide, but we’re not alone. Others will be in holes right alongside, either digging to find us, or trying to find their way out. Sometimes to find the light it’s not about going up or down, but sideways. And sometimes what we need to find is not the sun, but meaningful human contact.

    Thank you as always for your beautiful honesty. Peace, Hamish.

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