There Is A Voice Inside Me

There is a voice inside me that tells me I’m no good. It tells me I’ve never been and I never will be. It’s always there. Sometimes as a barely perceptible whisper, other times a deafening, all-consuming roar. But it’s there. It always has been, no mater what I say or do. It’s part of me, embedded so deeply within, that I doubt I’ll ever be able to rip it out and be free of its insistent, poisonous presence.

There is a voice inside me that tells me I’m a fraud. A fake, a failure, a fool. No matter what I achieve, that will always be the case. I can scale the highest personal peaks but it won’t amount to a hill of beans. For it’s all a show, an act, a hopeless attempt to paint a picture to the world that is both false and futile. Anyone with an iota of common sense will see through the facade eventually, see me for who I truly am.

There is a voice inside that tells me I’m disliked. For when people see through the facade, they encounter the real me. The me I’ve been trying to conceal for all these years. Scratch just beneath the surface and it’s there for them to see. They gasp, shake their heads, and walk away. The door is slammed in my face and the key turned in the lock. The bridge is burnt, the game is up, as I’m left battered and bruised outside in the biting cold.

There is a voice inside me that tells me I’m a joke. Always on the outside, looking in. They screw their noses up at my futile efforts to be noticed, acknowledged, respected. I had my chance and blew it, I’m a pathetic inconvenience now. I’m that annoying bluebottle that nobody wants to share a room with. I know this and they know this, yet still I make a nuisance of myself. An embarrassment, really. They wish I’d go away.

There is a voice inside me that tells me it was over before it even began. It was never meant to be because I don’t deserve it, no matter how hard I strive. This is the price I must pay. But still I persevere, I refuse to give up for, if I do, then it truly is over. It will all have been in vain and I will be left with nothing but the voice. To keep me company, just the two of us, for the rest of my days.

Published by Fractured Faith Blog

We are Stephen and Fionnuala and this is our story. We live in Northern Ireland, have been married for 17 years and have three kids - Adam, Hannah and Rebecca. We hope that our story will inspire and encourage others. We have walked a rocky road yet here we are today, together and stronger than ever. We are far from perfect and our faith has been battered and bruised. But an untested faith is a pointless faith. Just as a fractured faith is better than none at all. We hope you enjoy the blog.

22 thoughts on “There Is A Voice Inside Me

  1. Very relatable – I think we definitely all have that voice but find different ways of taming it or striving for success despite it. It’s persistent though, which is why for me holding on to the truths of God is ever so important – his voice matters more!

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  2. But there is a voice that tells me I am loved and fearfully and wonderfully made too! And choosing that voice over all the others makes all the difference. As Anon says we must “Take time for the quiet moments because God whispers and the world is loud.”

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  3. I know this voice and it has been busy speaking in my ear lately, but I refuse to listen. Well, admittedly, it can get to me every once in a while, if I don’t remind myself that “for God so loved Regina (me) that he gave his only Son.” That’s my antidote. I just have to keep remembering it, which can be hard when you have lost belief in your value and worth.

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  4. I read this in song form. It would make a great song. Especially after 16 months of covid hell! We all have that voice, it’s only the brave that admit it’s there. When I started a totally different job 18 months ago mine was deafening. A nurse with burn unit experience trying to learn endoscopy was like learning Latin but I pushed through. Love it now!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so relatable! And I just want to tell that voice to shut up and get lost. What works for.me is to counter is with a positive voice. This is hard but doable. Thank you so much for posting.

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  6. I definitely relate to this. It’s so hard to hear yourself think at times…It’s hard to push the voice out of your head. I’ve been struggling with this voice myself lately. I feel like a fraud sometimes when I push “publish” on my post. God is working on me though. And He will work on you too. I’ll be praying for you!

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  7. You know, I recently found an approach for this very phenomenon. I stop what I’m doing and have a little chat with myself. “What do you mean? Give me some details.” In most cases it’s part of me that just feels ignored or sidelined. Listen, take note, say “thank you,” and move on! 🙂

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  8. I am reading this immediately after a ceremony I had for my Voice. I sat with it and thanked it many times for its presence, lessons, and protection, as well as whatever other purposes it felt it had for being here. I explained that I am creating a new chapter in my life, and its presence is no longer necessary, but I will certainly call again if I find I need it. I then told the Voice it is time for it to release its hold, so that I can vulnerably move forward and experience life in light and love.
    Not the first time I’ve had a similar session with the Voice, certainly not the last, but your post spoke to me as a message that the Voice heard me.
    Thank you, and hold fast. Even broken, faith means hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Comparing myself to others—the normal conditioning of the mind—does this to me. Look at the world and how it feeds the disease! We are all unique and we shouldn’t believe the false narratives we create within.

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  10. This is crazy that I came across your post and you chose to write on this topic of how you feel of yourself on the inside. I say that because my son just opened up to his father and I about this exact feeling of how he feels about himself. Wow!! Amazingly wrote and 100% appreciated.

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  11. I had no idea you had written this when I commented earlier today on Twitter about Skelly’s Square. That voice you’re hearing is so very wrong about you. You are an extremely gifted writer. And your sense of humor is always engaging.
    So tell the voice to leave town and don’t come back.
    Stephen Black is the real deal.

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  12. I can relate. Everyday I need to fight the voice inside of me that says I’m not good enough. I fight it like you. I love your line: “But still I persevere, I refuse to give up for, if I do, then it truly is over.” If I give up, if I give in, then I let the negative voice win. I can’t let that happen. Thanks for sharing.

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  13. Wow! That voice is mean and hateful. We all fight that voice in some way. Start by listing for yourself the good things about you…loving and caring father, promoted job holder and family provider, champion for those with OCD, successful author, loving husband and I am sure much more. Drown that voice out. We forget that changing attitudes is a daily task…not a one time thing and then we get down on ourselves for not changing.

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  14. It takes WORK to quiet that voice (it never really goes away) but you can. No one can be more cruel to us than the stuff we say to ourselves. I’ve learned to hear it actively rather than passively, which means I can stop and challenge the “facts.” Thankfully, I’ve people in my life that have given me replacement statements when my voice chooses to run amok. I’ve adopted them as affirmations for these moments and they work.

    I KNOW you’re surrounded by similar people. Take what they say to heart and run them endlessly as a matter of routine. Let those speak over yours when it matters. Because, you matter and are a man of worth💜

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  15. I don’t know if everyone hears those kinds of things, but I know that I do and I know many who also do. Just know that those thoughts/voices/whatever are liars. You are a beautiful child of God. That’s quite an amazing fact. A former American vice president once used the following phrase to describe negative people: nattering nabobs of negativism. I like to use that phrase to put down those kinds of thoughts. God always encourages and speaks kindly to his children. Even when they misbehave, he reminds them in nice ways that they can do better.

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